“edited” by AL SOUTH
F Hello Rant Line™. I just wanted to say that I consider myself a fairly tolerant liberal type of person, left-wing leaning, I support all the right things—I mean right as in decent, good, not right-wing things—but even I was a bit SHOCKED to hear that some coop café at UQAM stopped a comedian from performing at a show because he had DREADLOCKS! First somebody told me about it, and said that it was at the SNOWFLAKE CAFÉ, and I said, no, no, that has got to be satire, that itself is French comedy! But then I went and read up on it and yes it was true! They said he could not join the show because he had dreadlocks! Because it was… cultural appropriation! Oppression! Ok, look, whoever decided this, your heart may be in the right place, but your head needs to give itself a shake! It is just hair. But then I also thought, oh boy, if this catches on, then well maybe it will also get rid of an awful lot of BAD BANDS. Especially some of those bands from the 90s that are still kicking around, if they still have hair. So I guess that would be the silver lining. [BLEEP!]
F Hi. I just wanted to call to give my comments on the best music of 2018 by Johnson Cummins. I think he needs to actually go to good shows and not the boring ass stuff he goes to. Best show: Pottery. I just want to say, fuck those guys! Don’t support that bullshit, seriously. What the hell, Johnson Cummins? [BLEEP!]
M Hello. So I see the Montreal cops have given THUMBS DOWN to them wearing BODY CAMS. How come I am not surprised? I will tell you why—I have seen our cops in action at protests HIDING THEIR BADGES. I have asked cops to show me their badge and they refuse. No doubt they don’t want body cams—they don’t want anyone to see them in action when they get going like the ROGUE FORCE they really are. Their excuse is that the cameras make citizens uncomfortable. I’ll tell you what makes me uncomfortable, you shoving me up against the cop car, you hitting me with your baton, you denying me my rights. The other excuse they are using—some of them tried the cams for a year—is that the cameras were too complicated to work properly. Well, sure, maybe if you are an idiot! Why don’t you go on the internet, go see all the body cam videos, go see all the people being arrested all over the U.S., captured live on body cams. You would think that if the redneck cops in the south can make the body cams work, you guys can figure them out? And I think it’s pretty obvious that if a cop is arresting someone and the whole thing is being filmed, the rule of law is more likely to be followed? It just makes common sense. [BLEEP!]
F Hello, just calling to say that I could really do without seeing MAXIME BERNIER’S hideous face plastered all over the Plateau. I though we got rid of him for a while, that he would crawl back under his ROCK, but nope, I got to look at him every day all over again. There should be some kind of MORATORIUM on this type of thing. [BLEEP!]
M Well, my rant is about MARJUANA LEGALIZATION. It’s turning out to be a real crock of shit, eh? There’s going to be two types of marijuana citizens in the province of Quebec. The first will be the poor who rent, and have fucking asshole landlords who say, “Well, you can’t smoke marijuana in your apartment.” I already got THE LETTER, it was dated November 22, telling me I could not possess marijuana, I could not grow it because it’s illegal in my apartment—not that I’m going to—that I can’t smoke it on the balcony, I can’t got into the back area, which by the way is just a paved parking lot, I can’t smoke it there, I can’t smoke it on any of the asphalt of their property, I have to go on the sidewalk. Great! Now our fucking great premier, Legault, wants to make a law saying you can’t SMOKE OUTSIDE. So again the fucking poor, like myself, who don’t own a fucking house, or have a landlord who is not neutral on marijuana, where the fuck am I supposed to smoke? Maybe I should go smoke outside, get goddam arrested and go to court and make a BIG MOCKERY of this whole thing. Anyway, that’s my rant, and it really sucks because obviously if you are rich, you’re going to be able to smoke all the dope you want in your house and no one’s going to bother you. I guess my other problem is that if I wasn’t a TOKER, I’d probably own my own property, but because I’m a toker I’ve never had the money to put aside for it. Oh and by the way, the pot store, that’s a fucking joke in itself. I went there and whatever I bought was all overpriced garbage. Like, you know, I get seven grams for $40 from my own guy and the stuff that you get at the SDQ? It is all crap. [BLEEP!]
F Yeah so I was bored and I was watching Bloodline on Netflix and I noticed that KYLE CHANDLER is like REALLY, REALLY HOT and SWEATY in the movie and you can tell that the producers are trying to make it in a way that’s not sexy, like he’s sweating through those collared shirts but like it doesn’t work because… like… he’s FUCKING HOT anyways! Like I dunno, it’s really weird that they would put like that much effort into it. [BLEEP!]
CHILD Oh my god. So my friends are super sensitive and getting mad at me because I am making JOKES and they are not even OFFENSIVE. They know I’m joking and yet they still bite my head off! Out of nowhere I make the simplest joke and they just bit my head off and I even talked to them and they know to tell me if they get offended by this stuff, but they just chew me out! They didn’t even tell me they were offended by it, and it just pisses me off! [BLEEP!]
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