ON THE STREETS THIS WEEK IN CultMTL!

“edited” by Al South

M Ok so here we go again. I see on the news 233 people in Brazil are dead in a nightclub fire, caused by the band setting off fireworks. PYROTECHNICS. Duh, where have we heard this before. Yeah that’s right, in Rhode Island, the Station fire, about 10 years ago. One hundred dead because the band set off EXPLOSIONS and burnt the place down. Except that time the band was Great White, I don’t know who the band in Brazil was. But I hope for the sake of the people who died in Brazil that the band was better than Great White. The last thing you would want to hear when you are about to die would be Great fucking White. Seriously, I just hope the poor Brazilians who were burnt to a crisp were listening to something better than that. RIP. [BLEEP!]

F Hi there. I’m calling because my kitchen PIPES froze a couple of days ago and we don’t have any water in the kitchen. The plumber finally came this morning, and it turns out that our pipes flow into the café downstairs. So the plumber needed to go check out them out. However, the café owner went on vacation to Cuba and is nowhere to be found. Finally, after much digging throughout the day, using the many organizational skills which I am proud to possess, I got a hold of one of the café employees—who I will not name because I am too MORALLY AWESOME. I finally got him to agree to meet tomorrow morning at the same time as the plumber so we can finally get all our shit under control and do our dishes and move on with our lives and enjoy winter as much as we can, considering it is -370 degrees. The agreement was made the contract was struck, we were all meeting tomorrow at 8 am. But then he suddenly texts me back and says that he can no longer meet, that he checked the café and there is no problem there. And therefore he cannot authorize any plumber to go in and break anything or touch anything. And that I would have to call the café owner—who is in Cuba and not answering his cell phone! So he absolutely refuses to meet tomorrow and open the café for us. And he refuses to call me back. To me, this is the absolute antithesis of COMMUNITY SPIRIT. When it is –30 outside, I personally laugh a lot more looking at people’s faces outside. I personally feel more of a sense of humanity. The people who tend to do the opposite, who act like total fucking assholes, like this person who won’t be named, can suck my BIG THROBBING COCK. We have no water in the kitchen! And you have the key to the café where the pipe flows and you won’t let a plumber in to look for one second? Fuck you! Suck my cock until you choke on it! Ok thanks, bye. [BLEEP!]

M Yes, hello. Bonjournee! I have what I think is the best way for our beloved Office de la Langue Francais to protect our beautiful language and culture and drive away our enemies. Instead of putting the French much bigger on the signs, make it so the English says the PRECISE OPPOSITE of what the French is. So then Arret is GO and Poussez is PULL, and so it goes on. And then when the English realize that they cannot do anything right, they’ll either change to only French or fuck off to Ontario! Push a pull door long enough and you learn, my friend. Merci et bon chance! [BLEEP!]

F Hey Little Wiener Man on the 24 who had a LOUD CONVERSTATION on his cell with another guy named Christian. Just wondering what that was all about. You were all like, “Want to meet up at Tim Horton’s?” But then you were like, “If you don’t want to stay, we can just meet for a minute and then you can take off.” What’s up with that? Was this a DRUG THING or what? I don’t know. But I want to know—I have  to know! Call the Rant Line™, Little Wiener Man. You can’t just have a loud conversation on your phone on a PACKED BUS and then leave all the other people on the bus hanging. God. I hope it worked out okay. [BLEEP!]

F Hi, this is about the craigslist caller who wanted to find an anti-Semitic friend. Shame on you and your HATRED. It’s no wonder craigslist banned your listing. Racism isn’t a quality I’d want in a friend, or even the mere TOLERANCE of racism. Time to step into the 21^st century and accept people for who they are. And you should be happy that your friend got a new job with all the unemployment. ONE LOVE. [BLEEP!]

M Dude, fuck yes about craigslist! I’ve posted, like, five times, and every fucking time it gets pulled down. Once it was even just that I found a BACKPACK and wanted to return it to the owner, especially since there was a BAG OF WEED in the backpack, which I would have also returned in full. More or less. And the post got pulled. Craigslist used to be cool and full of girls looking for generous men like me. Now it’s just a lame police state. [BLEEP!]

M Well hello stick-up-your-ass high-and-mighty woman who thinks guys shouldn’t masturbate because somehow this is rape. I’d love to discuss this further with you, and maybe DISSEMINATE all over your tits. What do you say? [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL (514) 271-RANT (7268)

“edited” by Al South

M Hello. I’m a guy who has had himself a bit of good luck meeting LADIES in the bars. I’m no MALE MODEL or anything, but I do okay through my charms and I’ve learned a thing or two about the game. But you know something? There is absolutely no polite way to ask a lady if she’s a dude. And sometimes that’s a pretty fucking important question. [BLEEP!]

F Hey. About the FADED HOODY cash-money millionaire. I think I know who you mean, but can you be more specific? I didn’t think anyone else knew, but maybe we’re actually talking about different guys. Maybe there are TWO faded hoody cash-money millionaires off-the-rack mind-fucking us! More details, please and thanks. [BLEEP!]

M I just want to say that everyone has made some really GOOD POINTS about HOCKEY and the NHL and I’m reconsidering everything I had believed and all I had felt on those things. So maybe I will and maybe I won’t watch anymore hockey. Thanks for all the points. Okay. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, Prank Caller. Fellow prank caller here! Thanks for the tip! I didn’t even think a lot of people made prank calls anymore, so it’s nice to know you’re out there making the phones ring, pulling the pranks. We should set up some sort of PRANK SPACE, where we could all get together and make prank calls. I really don’t think there are a lot of us. [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™. Gotta do something! I just got a call from a number I didn’t know and it was a  text-to-landline thing with the bizarre foreign-sounding computery-but-real voice, you know what I mean? Where they have someone record words and then the machine adds them all together to say what’s written in the text? Well that’s fucking… Hello?… Helloooo?… Ah… That’s fucking creepy enough, but I… Hello?… I just got one of those creepy things right now, at THREE IN THE MORNING… and the weird voice sputters… and I’m a little fucked up and did not need some shit like that because I just smoked a BIG BOWL of HASH. Gotta do something. Hello?…. Gotta do something. Ah fuck, I think it didn’t answer… Hello?…. Fuck. [BLEEP!]

F Hello. I’m deep in the January doldrums and work sucks, so what I decided to do today is move the staff around to different desks, which seems to have caused some panic. Also, due to repeated complaints about HYGIENE, I had no choice but to move the most vile, disgusting, stinky individual away from everyone else, which means he’s now closest to my office. So I have to smell him all day, on top of having to see his PSYCOPATHIC GLARES every time I look up, and hear him on the phone talking about my wanting to “keep an eye on” him. No, buddy. I’d rather not see you at all, ever. It’s just everyone else refuses to be near you because the stink comes off you in waves and makes people tear up. Winter cannot end soon enough. And neither can my life. [BLEEP!]

M You know what can eat my shit? Craigslist. I posted EXACTLY ONCE in my life, and craigslist pulled down my post. I posted becasue one of my friends who I like to drink with got a really stupid fucking job and now has been, like, STAINED IN HIS SOUL by this work environment. So I need a new friend to drink with, which is, in a nutshell, what I posted to my Craigslist ad. And fucking Craigslist fucking removed it. I got some email about there being a community of users who view and moderate posts, and my post, which was me looking for a buddy to drink with—apparently was TOO OUT THERE for Craigslist. I mean, it was surrounded by posts from people looking for teenage girls to model underwear or pose nude, and ones for looking for guys with big dicks—I swear, that’s exactly what the ad said—“guys with big dicks wanted”—and whatever, cum on your face shit, and my fucking post—LOOKING FOR A FRIEND—gets pulled down. Unbelievable. Someone said it maybe was because I said my new friend should not mind the odd ANTI-SEMITIC QUIP, but, fuck me blind. Big dicks and teen girls being lured to their deaths and fucking sex crimes all over the place and then craigslist draws the line at a joke between buds? No fucking way, craigslist. Weak fucking sauce. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. With everything going on in the world that shows there’s a sick culture of rape and abuse of women, I find it a little disturbing that, A, there’s a guy who roams around Montreal who goes around looking at women to masturbate to, and B, that the Rant Line™ doesn’t see the problem in printing a message from this monster as though it’s a joke. You don’t have to look too hard to see a story about some GANG RAPE, whether it’s in India or in Small Town USA or right here in Canada. Or to find a web site with fucking sick creepers taking sneak pictures of usually UNDERAGE GIRLS to post to the Internet, or even to just see signs of the persecution of women. And the US just refused to sign a law protecting women from abuse. That’s how far we’ve really come, guys. Not very far at all. Women aren’t there for males to dominate and more people need to get that message out. Even you, Rant Line™. If you have an audience, you owe it to yourselves to disseminate the right message. Thanks. Hope you’ll do the right thing! [BLEEP]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL (514) 271-RANT (7268)

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Hi, I have something to say to all the people who think it’s funny to talk about how bad it is to have the HOCKEY come back. I own a bar in Montreal and I had to get rid of two wait staffs because of the NHL lockout. I’ve made about half my usual earnings for this time of year because of the no hockey. Multiply that by all the bars in the city and all the other places that rely on hockey to survive—like restaurants and vendors—and you can imagine how much that has cost everyone. So instead of thinking you’re a HOT SHOT for saying there’s no hockey, think a bit about people who struggle to make a living selling things to people who watch hockey and love hockey. Then maybe you won’t think it’s so funny. Come on guys. We’re all a family in Montreal, and the Habs give us our earnings! Welcome back guys and GO HABS. [BLEEP!]

M When I was 19 or so, I was walking across the parking lot on Crescent at, like, three in the morning, with my buddy and we saw some FAT PIG slap his girlfriend. My friend went over and started kicking the shit out of the guy and, to everyone’s surprise, the woman started screaming her head off telling my friend to stop! And then she started hugging the fat fuck asking him if he’s okay and shit. And you know what, hockey fans? YOU are that stupid bitch, getting slapped in the face by a fat fucking pig, and then throwing yourself at him like he’s the best thing that ever happened to you. Where is everyone’s outrage? The NHL owners and players don’t give a shit about you. They need your money and give you back a bitch-slap. No dedication to you, to their hired home team—only to money. If people had any self-respect, they’d tell the entire NHL to go fuck itself for their troubles. Share the NO revenue. But no—go buy your new Habs jersey for $150. Normally they’d all be on sale by now, because it’s the end of the season and a new one is coming out soon, but not this year, I guess, right? Fuck pro sports. Thanks. [BLEEP]

M The STM is seriously fucking up. I just took the 166 from Cote des Neiges and Queen Mary down to Queen Mary and then all of a sudden it turns around and goes all the way back to Cote Des Neiges. And fuckin’ I get off the bus and it just goes En Transit, instead of Hors Service, and just drives off. Like what the fuck?? I need to get home, it’s the end of the day. All the other night buses are done. This is beyond fucking stupid. [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™, I just went down the street to buy myself some LUNCH. The bill was $5.49 and I wanted to pay with my debit card because nobody carries cash. And the FAT LITTLE PIG working in there said, “I’m sorry, there a $6 minimum charge.” And I’m like, what the fuck? And then she wouldn’t give me my lunch! I just want to say that all businesses who have a minimum Interac charge to cover the five cents or two cents are a bunch of cheap greedy little fucks. [BLEEP!]

M Look, I just found out that the price of STAMPS has gone up from 61 cents to 63 cents. What the fuck? Before Christmas I bought two books of 30 stamps, and now they are no good, because they are only worth 61 cents! So now I have to and buy two more books of two cent stamps! This is insane. And what’s even more insane, if you go to the Canada Post Find a Rate site, and use their calculator to figure out the price of a letter or parcel, it adds on TAX to the cost. So it is telling me that a regular small letter is 63 cents plus nine cents tax for a total of 72 cents. That is not true! It is a lie! If you don’t believe me, go try it yourself. Seriously, somebody needs to do something about this. It is not FAIR. [BLEEP!]

M You know what you are? You know what you are in your faded crappy $10 off-the-rack piece of shit HOODY? You are a young-money cash-money billionaire. You got us all fooled. Fucking go find some old WU WEAR. [BLEEP!]

F All right, so I was completely shocked to find out that even if you do *67 before you PRANK CALL somebody, there is still a way for them to get your number. All you have to do is call your cell phone provider and ask them about your billing, your recent activity, and say you’ve been overcharged. And they’ll tell you what you’ve been charged for exactly. They’ll say, well you got a phone call last night at three in the morning. Any you’ll be like, oh yea, from who? And they’ll tell you the number. They’ll tell you the motherfucker’s number! So beware prank callers—our days are numbered. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL (514) 271-RANT (7268)

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M How fucking great is it that DAVID FUCKING BOWIE has a new disc coming out? I may even buy this one, instead of just download it. Awesome stuff! [BLEEP!]

M Ok, I wondered how far I could get into the new David Bowie video, so did a SCIENTIFIC TEST. I put it on YouTube and watched the timer. At exactly one minute, I wanted to turn it off, it was so slow and boring. But the chorus hadn’t started yet, so I gave it bit more of a chance. At 1:30 I’d heard the chorus, or enough of it, and that’s when I turned it off. So that’s it: one-and-a-half minutes. If anything interesting happened in the remaining three minutes and seven seconds, please let me know. [BLEEP!]

F I can’t stop laughing at that girl’s rant about hockey and the guy who took her to a game on a date—I had the exact same thing happen to me! It was a few years ago and my friend set me up with her boyfriend’s friend, and we met in a group a few times and he says “Hey, I’d love to hang out sometime, just the two of us.” And then he tells me he’s going to take me to dinner and to see a show, and the show was a FUCKING HOCKEY GAME. It was when the Habs were in some sort of play-offs like three or four years ago. My God, it was bad. And the dinner was at the shitty Cage aux Sports in the Bell Centre, on top of it all. I wanted to fake an illness and go home. Anyway, when he finally drove me home we made out a bit in his car because even though he had no clue, he was still kind of CUTE. But then when I gave his junk a quick once over he had the most meager little erection you could imagine. That was strike three, to use a sports term. Dumb hockey fans with their itty-bitty dicks! Too funny! [BLEEP]

M YEEEEEEE-HAAAAWWWWW! STANLEY FUCKING CUP HERE WE COME! IT’S BACK, BABY! [BLEEP!]

F I hate the Christmas is over and everyone is right back to being a bastard. My office is filled with annoying ass-kissing BACK-STABBERS, and we all somehow managed to have a great time together from our Christmas party at the beginning of December right through Christmas Eve. Then we were closed for a week, then we all got back after New Year’s, and by the end of the week, everyone was right back to hating everyone else and trying to screw everyone over. Say what you will about religion, but Christmas does bring out the best in people. Even fucking douche-bags like the ones I work with. Wish it could be Christmas all year. Ugh. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, hi. I have a question about New Year’s resolutions. One of mine was to finally find a BETTER GIG and get the fuck out of this soul-sucking job I’ve been working at for five years. But first I need to know how many other people are on a New Year’s resolution high, scrambling to get their CV out there to escape their own shitty jobs. I think this might actually be the very worst time to look for work, because of the flood of MISERABLE guys like me trying to escape. I don’t necessarily want to PROCRASTINATE, but maybe it makes good logical sense to do so for a while. Like until summer or something. Could I get a rough number on who else is trying to find a new job these days? Okay.  [BLEEP]

F Stephen Harper’s a real piece of shit and I just want to say that I wish the Mirror were still around to call him out on the stuff he tries to pull. The Gazette is useless, and the TV newscasts are one smiling HAIR-SPRAYED asshole shy of being ET Canada. We’re all so screwed and there is no alternative media outlet to get the word out. Sad, sad state of affairs. [BLEEP!]

M Hello. I’m a guy who enjoys PORNOGRAPHIC ENTERTAINMENT, and sometimes I’ll see someone in my day-to-day living who I think I might enjoy having some sex with, and then the next time I go to enjoy my pornographic entertainment, I try to find a film with an actress who sort of resembles that person. Well, I saw this CUTE ASIAN CHICK the other day at Berri metro station, and then when I tried to find a film with a cute Asian in it, I found that every Asian-specific film had the same Asian actress in it. This isn’t one of those “they all look the same” things. It was the same Asian actress in every pornographic film. Is there only one Asian actress in porn these days? Why is that? Anyone know? Thank you for your time. [BLEEP]

M Uh, Rant Line™, I fear I may have picked up a VENEREAL DISEASE over the holiday season as I am now constantly needing to scratch my dick. I guess it could be the dry winter air, but I’ve been around a lot of winter months, and don’t recall ever having such a chronically itchy dick. What is big itchy dick symptomatic of, please? [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL (514) 271-RANT (7268)

“edited” by Al South

F Hey Happy New year! Hope it’ll be an awesome one. But where the hell is everybody? I just walked through the Plateau and it’s only 30 minutes after midnight on New Year’s Eve, and the streets are dead quiet. Has everyone already given up, or is there some super-cool place I don’t know about yet that everyone went to? Anyway. 2013! Yeah! [BLEEP!]

M Why is there no sidewalk? Why is there no parking? Why are there SKI SLOPES blocking my way at every corner? You know, I heard on the news Friday that it was going to cost the city of Montreal something like $26-million to clean up all this snow, and then nobody came around to clean it up! I’m just wondering if the number was released so it could sink in a bit before the city issued a continuation to the announcement like “… and so we decided that we’re not going to do it.” This city sucks a lot of balls lately. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

F I just got back from the HOSPITAL, where I spent five hours in emergency getting X-RAYS because I fell and twisted my ankle while navigating the uncleared fucking sidewalks a full three days after the BLIZZARD. Nothing broken, thank you, but sprained really bad and I need to wear an AIR-CAST. So I want to offer a hearty Christmas go fuck yourselves to the people who are responsible for Montreal’s new inability to deal with a blizzard. We used to rock this shit, but now we’re like ATLANTA or something. Thanks. I feel a small bit better. [BLEEP!]

F I just heard there might be HOCKEY again, and everybody is all excited. Every idiot male, I mean. I just don’t get it. It is a boring, boring sport. Not only that, it is a totally CORPORATE sport. I mean, maybe a long time ago—years and years and decades ago—it was good. I believe old people when they tell me that. But my god, hockey sucks now. And I hate to tell you, but the Montreal Canadiens—the beloved HABS—suck just as bad—or maybe worse. I went to a game a few years ago—rest assured I no longer am with the JOCK GUY who took me—and I was bored to tears, it was so tacky. The lighting was terrible, the music was CHEESY, and everything was way, way overpriced. Honestly, it was like going to see Celine Dion or the Cirque de Soleil—it was on that terrible level of entertainment. It was just an awful experience. Yet I see people who should know better, people who have good taste in lots of other things, actually caring about hockey, caring about the stupid HABS. God, wake up and smell the coffee—hockey is awful, the Montreal Canadiens and the Bell Center are just abysmally awful, and society is better off if the league and the owners and the rich millionaire jocks stay on strike or in lockout or whatever it is FOREVER. God, it’s just all so CRETINOUS. [BLEEP!]

M Do you really think the PALSIED GUY in the wheelchair at McGill metro station really wants to be dressed up like an ELF? I don’t think he does. I think someone is using him to gather money, then taking his WOODEN BOX of change and spending it on crack and the whores that come with it, while the palsied guy cries alone in a dark room. Either that or the palsied guy is the greatest actor in the world, and he’s just taking advantage of people’s soft-spot for palsied guys, then laughing, hopping up and running home. Someone should look into this. Maybe even me. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this is for the people who have SMALL CHILDREN, like, toddler-aged, I guess they call them. The ones who are always sick with one thing or another from always being around other sick little kids in their daycare—which is the place mommy and daddy dump you because they can’t take any of your shit for a single minute longer. Listen, it is the duty of a decent parent to advise friends and family that the little prick they’re toting around at Christmas time is not CARRYING FUCKING DISEASE. So that those of us who are polite enough to pay attention to your child don’t wind spending New Year’s Eve shivering alone on the couch, hacking up slime and wondering if the whole neck down has finally gone full-blown cancer on us. Maybe you could rub these kids down with a disinfectant and keep their mouths covered and WARN US that the kid is sick. Don’t just laughingly tell it to cover its mouth rather than cough directly into everyone’s food or face. The only thing I hate more than kids is dumb  fucking adults. Happy fucking New Year. [BLEEP]

F Hi Peep Show Patron. I’m sorry you can’t find anywhere else to go pass a quiet moment of jerking off. But have you tried your bathroom or your shower or—and I’m just going out on a limb here and guessing there’s nobody else in it—have you tried your BED? These all seem to me to be good enough places for you to jerk off alone without sitting down in a puddle of somebody else’s dried up SPERM. Just thinking out loud here. Bye! [BLEEP!]

M Hey Candy and Bambi! You two sound like fun girls to chill with! I don’t have a cock up in my ABDOMEN, but I do have one that will reach up into yours! Is it cool if I stop by and see you, too, or is your offer only valid for SHRIVEL DICK? [BLEEP!}

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL (514) 271-RANT (7268)

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Hello. I’m calling about the article about the PEEP SHOWS being an ICKY place. Just want to let you know that this is one of the few places in town where I get peace and quiet all to myself. All right. Good on you. [BLEEP!]

M This is for the person who almost got hit by a car while holding a bottle of POWERADE. First off, that shit will kill you as it’s full of chemicals a human body doesn’t thrive on. Second, that’s an awful lot of thinking to do while almost being hit by a car. If you had time to do that much thinking, maybe you’d have been better off getting out of the way. Seems you had plenty of time to do so, which means to me that you weren’t in much danger in the first place. Anyway. Keep safe and stop drinking Powerade. [BLEEP!]

F When you come right down to it, what was wrong with my ex-boyfriend was that he did not understand—he did not get— rock ’n’ roll. And that’s why we couldn’t be together and that’s why I don’t regret breaking up with him at all. [BLEEP!]

M As Montreal gears up for the annual flu/cold, dress-you -warm, dress-you-hot, fuck-I’m-sick reality that we live in, there’s something we’re missing. We’re all PARANOID, what with the antiseptic pumps everywhere and signs telling you to wash your hands every five feet. But what about all the coffee places that leave lids, cream sugar, sticks, all that shit, out? A million fucking hands touch that shit every single day! It’s disgusting. I don’t stick my mouth on things on the Metro, but I sure as fuck do on the coffee cup lid. And I know I’ve evacuated a NOSEFUL at the Second Cup on a napkin two feet from the cream and sugar. Which is disgusting on my part, but hey, at least I can admit it. My trick is to take the lid from the bottom. [BLEEP!]

M Motherfucker. That’s all I can say about things right now. Jesus motherfucking Christ. (BLEEP)

F Yeah, to the hot guy whose dick had retracted into his abdomen from the cold, we’re a couple of hot college girls—I’m CANDY and my room-mate is BAMBI—and we were just sitting here talking about how much fun it would be to suck a guy’s dick out of his abdomen. If you’re interested, you could meet us most Saturday nights at PINK TACO. Just ask for us at the bar. Everyone knows who we are! Hope to see you there. [BLEEP!]

F Hi Rant Line™. I’m calling to say that I find your Rant Line™ is becoming a little DICK HEAVY these days. Lots of talk about dicks and guys wanting to do things with their dicks. I’m just wondering if you might be purposefully EXCLUDING THE PUSSY due to some sort of agenda. Maybe everyone who calls you is a dick? Or maybe you just love dicks? [BLEEP!]

F I’m sitting at Magma with SALT STAINS up to my knees and soaking wet shoes and feet from walking around and trying to do some shopping, and I just wanted to say this is most definitely not the most WONDERFUL time of the year. In fact, it seems to be the very WORST TIME if you have to leave the house at all and try to navigate Montreal’s collapsing streets. I might even go get a pair of HIP-WADERS to make my way home in. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah hi. To the 470 bus driver who just saw me standing at the bus stop, right directly in front of it, and drove right by—fuck you, you asshole. I hope your Christmas really sucks this year. [BLEEP!]

F The falling snow is so beautiful I want to cry! Merry Christmas! [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Hi. It’s Cigarette Warning Label Man. First off, yeah, lady. Cancer models. What about it? Also, what about this warning that says “Quitting smoking increases life expectancy and improves quality of life,” and then there’s a picture of two old fat people in the countryside, in, like, LEISURE SUITS, holding hands and walking somewhere. I assume to go and fuck. Old person fucking, no less. Really? That is your big sell? I can be an old fat guy fucking an old fat chick? No thank you. I’d rather fuck a hot chick in the bathroom of a dirty bar spectacle in LAVAL and then have a smoke in the  alley, if it’s all the same to you. Maybe we’ll even get some BLOW. How’s that for an improved quality of life? [BLEEP!]

F I just would like to say that I think it’s better to sing badly for your money than just stick a CUP in my face and ask for change, so yeah. You did the right thing, girl! [BLEEP!]

F As I was crossing the street in busy rush hour traffic, I nearly got run over by a car turning onto the intersection. I happened to have a POWERADE in my hand, and I thought to myself, well now, this is interesting. I could have whipped the lid off the Powerade, held it like a DICK and sprayed it all over the hood of their car in protest. And then I thought, this could be a really hilarious commercial, with the slogan, Powerade Truly empowers. Or something like that. Oh the power of the imagination! [BLEEP!]

M I’d like to go over some pretty BASIC ETIQUETTE. One thing that seven billion people on the planet have in common, that we learn when we are two or three years old, is that if somebody is in your way and you’re not paying attention and you collide with them, it’s your fault. It’s not the other person’s fault! It happens so often that I just have to conclude that people are self-centered and rude. Nothing new there. But it manifests itself in a very benign but telling way—we are not as good, as people, as we were when we were three years old! As I walk down the street, talk, hold a coffee and smoke a cigarette, I still manage not to bump into people. Isn’t that fucking incredible! I must be HIGHLY EVOLVED specimen of a human! So I change my tune. I am highly evolved and I am leaving all these clumsy fuckers behind in the dust of humanity on the trail of evolution. [BLEEP!]

M I’m calling to offer a public apology to the guy I called a “complete fucking moron” while walking down St. Laurent last night. It was pointed out to me later that you had not actually knocked the box out of that woman’s arms and just kept walking. The handle on the box just ripped off, coincidentally, as you passed by. Sorry. I’m sure you’re a great guy. [BLEEP!]

M Hello Rant Line™, I’m calling you from my office, where I work and as I speak, my dick has FULLY RETRACTED INTO MY ABDOMEN because it’s so goddamned cold in here. It’s cold, because nobody seems to think heat in the dead of winter is a reasonable expense to incur. Profits over people, and all that. By the time you read this, I’ll likely be all Jack Nicholson at the end of The Shining. So get the word out. God bless. [BLEEP!]

F Why is it there are so many DRUNK assholes on the streets this time of year? I’m guessing it has something to do with office Christmas parties, because all the office assholes go out and drink on the company tab and stagger off bloated with half-flaccid erections from sexually harassing the younger office workers. I swear, leave those dicks in the WEST ISLAND instead of letting them have their parties at our downtown bars. We don’t need more assholes around here. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this is for the Racist White Guy who was complaining that he got a BONER when looking at Nicki Minaj. Well listen, first of all, you should never complain about getting a boner—it’s never a bad thing. Second of all, Nicki Minaj’s ASS is the only thing worth talking about when it comes to Nicki Minaj. Merry Christmas! [BLEEP!]

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FIND THE RANT LINE™ ON THE STREETS IN CULTMTL!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Can we talk about MOVEMBER here for a second? It has just been pointed out to me that there are way more people who do an UNSPONSORED Movember, which is to say they just grow a moustache, and don’t get sponsored to raise any funds. Purely an awareness campaign. It strikes me that the POPPY barely gets 11 days, if that. I couldn’t even find one this year. And yet this Movember thing—yay, we’re growing a moustache!!—carries on all month. Every year for a month we have to talk about moustaches—way past its shelf life. What about fucking Remembrance Day? Next year, let’s talk about that for a month. [BLEEP!]

M I just saw this NICKI MINAJ video and I’m really pissed off because I’m fucking really racist and WHITE and I saw this fucking BLACK chick with a giant fucking ASS and it gave me an erection and I’m not happy it gave me an erection because she’s black and I’m fucking really racist and white! [BLEEP!]

F Hey, Rant Line™, I’m wondering something. There was a guy at the corner of Stanley and Ste Catherine with an ACOUSTIC GUITAR singing for his daily bread, some song about not wanting to live in a world ruled by corporate interests and stuff. And the thing is, his LYRICS were pretty cool—but the guy could not sing. So what do you do in a situation like that? I gave him about $5 in change and said, like, “Awesome song, dude.” But I don’t know. Should I have said, “But you really need a better lead singer to carry the message?” [BLEEP!]

M So I’m happy to report that the PQ’s budget will have absolutely no effect on me whatsoever because I make NO MONEY and only drink other’s people’s beer or smoke other people’s cigarettes. Good job, Pauline! [BLEEP!]

M Shit, Rant Line™. Cancer MODELS? Really… the fuck is wrong with you? [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I’m calling because right now while I leave this message, the INTERNET HAS BEEN CUT OFF IN SYRIA. Motherfucks cut the whole country off so they can carry out their evil shit and not have the OPRESSED PEOPLE suffering under a tyrannical regime get their message to the world. And you know what else? The only ones who seem to give a shit are ANONYMOUS. No mention of it on CNN or CBC Newsworld, but here are these hackers who everyone wants to label as criminals, and they’ve stepped up and managed to get dial-up lines open so the Syrians can use the Internet. They even released instructions on how to set up the Internet by opening up home WiFi networks and shit. And they did the same thing when fucking Israel started murdering Palestinians again in Gaza and threatened to disconnect their Internet. So maybe people should start fucking thanking GOD for Anonymous, because they seem to be the only people who want to help the common man. Never forgive. Never forget. Serious. Okay. [BLEEP!]

M Dude, I was just at the Bay and there’s a CRAZY SALE with everything in the men’s department 50 per cent off and even more if you use a Bay card. But that’s not why I’m calling. I’m calling because when I went to pay for my stuff, the HOT BLACK CHICK at the cash was wearing this LOOSE-FITTING SWEATER, and i could already see her tits pretty good, but then she had to fix the tape in the RECEIPT MACHINE and was yanking and pulling and her tits were bouncing all over the place! It was unbelievable. So my questions is, is it cool to ask someone out at a department store cash? I’m fucking going back tomorrow. [BLEEP!]

M This is for the woman who called to say she gets off on watching guys JACK OFF. Listen, I get off on having people watch me jack off! So why don’t you call back and leave your co-ordinates, and maybe we can get together for a little seminal PUPPET SHOW. My place or yours. I’m free New Year’s Eve, too. [BLEEP!]

F Okay, can the young ladies of Montreal please come to terms with the change of seasons and start covering up? I swear, I’ve seen at least a dozen people in the Ghetto walking around with just as much FLESH on display as there was when it was 35-degrees out, except instead of looking all sexy slutty, they look slutty fucking freezing. Nothing sexy about shivering and generally looking like you accidentally got locked out of the club. Summer will roll around again, and you can put your tits back on display then. Thanks! [BLEEP!]

M [singing] It’s beginning to look a LOT LIKE CHRISTMAS! Eeeeverywhere I go! Take a look at the Cinq-et-Dix, clamouring for a piece of whatever little’s left of your HARD-EARNED DOUGH! It’s beginning to lot like Christmas! ARMED GUARDS IN EVERY STORE! But the shittiest thing to me, which shoppers cannot see, is on the SWEATSHOP FLOORS. Yes, the shittiest thing to me, which shoppers cannot see, is on the sweatshop floors! THANK YOU MONTREAL. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M I always wondered why you guys are always so down on Montreal RADIO, and then I realized I don’t actually listen to Montreal radio—or any radio—and then on Monday I got stuck in a two hour—TWO FUCKING HOUR—traffic jam on the way back to town from the West Island and I figured I’d turn on the radio to find out what the fuck was going on. So I tuned into CJAD and listened to 10 minutes of AARON FUCKING RAND while I waited for the traffic report to see what the cause may be, and when the traffic finally came on, they didn’t mention the traffic jam at all, or even the 40 East!! Jesus. I’ll say this again: It was a TWO FUCKING HOUR TRAFFIC JAM, and CJAD didn’t seem to know anything about it. So then I tuned to the TEAM 990 and I wasn’t really listening until I noticed after about 5 minutes that it seemed to be stuck in a LOOP. Then I realized the loop was telling me to switch over to 690. Well, I didn’t. I tuned in to my own excellent programming, courtesy of my MP3 player, and that helped me through the enormous pain in the ass of a huge yet somehow completely unnoticed traffic jam. So, yeah. Looks like you were right again, Rant Line™. Keep up the good work! That is all. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, hi, it’s the Cigarette Warning Label Guy again. What about that one with the guy who looks like Stacy Keach with a HOLE in his THROAT saying, “I wish I’d never started smoking?” Dude. If it weren’t for smoking, you never would have had the opportunity to become a CANCER MODEL. That’s a thing, you know? For all these anti-smoking and anti-whatever campaigns, they need people who are sick as shit for the pictures, so they find cancer models. Just like they need people with nice hands to be, whatever, watch models, or nice feet for sandals, or whatever. Cancer models. People with particularly photogenic cancer. What do you figure something like pays? [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this is for the girl who thinks the Pizza Pizza Guy threw away his pizza because he was DRUNK and angry. Has it occurred to you that buddy just didn’t like the pizza? It’s not like Pizza Pizza is any sort of culinary delight. Why do people have to be all hippy gay with their, “don’t be angry, someone loves you” stuff. Oh! You think your pizza is shit? All you need is a hug. No, moron. I need better pizza. What’s wrong with everyone? Goddamn. Peace. [BLEEP!]

F Hi, Rant Line™ crew. First, let me say I adore you! I LOVE the Rant Line™. But, and this isn’t a CRITICISM, I sort of have to agree with that other girl who said people should call in with something really NICE to say about Montreal. You don’t have to look too far to find something wrong, but all the small things that put a smile on our faces and make us feel like life isn’t so bad, and work isn’t worth stressing about and stuff—those things never get noticed or shared. People prefer complaining! So don’t change what you’re doing, but maybe publish some nice things, too! Love you guys! [BLEEP!]

M Oh hi, Rant Line™! You’re so BEAUTIFUL. I was walking by this TREE and it was so beautiful. Everyone should go see it and have its beauty wash over them and make the whole world seem better! Really! Head over to it right now! It’s just over there, in the park, right next to the used condoms and garbage! Oh, what a beautiful tree! I think that I shall never see a poem so lovely as this tree! And that’s why people don’t call the Rant Line™ to talk about the nice things they’ve seen. Because it’s retarded. Everything’s shit. [BLEEP!]

M Maybe I’m crazy but I’ve noticed a propensity in divorced Québécois women to go for the Asian guy after the three kids and a husband thing doesn’t work out. A lot of them keeping company with Asian fellows. I’m really wondering if I’m imaging things or if there is a reason—if it’s a cultural trend or a cool new thing that I should know about. By the way, I’m not Asian nor a Québécois woman, but I’m curious. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, could I get an address on the guy who’s going to drop his TOWEL and JACK OFF in his front window? I sort of get off watching that sort of thing. Thanks! [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)