TEN YEARS AGO THIS MONTH!

FEATURING: BLOODSHOT BILL, PLASTIK PATRICK, TALAMASCA & ANGRY VAGINA GIRL!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M Talamasca, Talamasca. The lead singer, Chriss Lee, the guy who FAKED his own DEATH, is living in the dead lands now. He’s in Toronto, the poor fucker. But at least one of the members of that rotating troupe of musicians is still in town and he’s playing, believe it or not, glam rock. But if you wanna risk your soul and go to Toronto, you may just find Chriss Lee. [BLEEP!]

F Chriss Lee? Didn’t that big loser get smart and finally kill himself for real? [BLEEP!]

M Bloodshot Bill is the hardest working man in show business. Period. [BLEEP!]

M From someone who actually does know, Plastik Patrik just gets it on. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, for everybody who likes to mix up their techno and their church, there’s gonna be a TRANCE SERVICE at Christ Church Cathedral downtown on Sunday, Aug. 18 at 4 o’clock. So if you want a little bit of God and a little bit of amphetamine-driven techno music you should come down and check it out. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, is it just me or is everyone who works at that music store Mars on Ste-Catherine TOTALLY WEIRD. Because I went there today and there were five guys and they were all weirdos. If you don’t believe me, check it out. Mars music store, it’s in the basement on Ste-Catherine. Goodbye. [BLEEP!]

M This is for the people wondering where they can get SPEED in this city. I find that the 13 Highway is a pretty good place, and also the Ville-Marie Expressway. Mid-afternoon is a good time but you gotta watch for the cops, man. [BLEEP!]

F This is to Angry Vagina Girl. Your feminist propaganda is just as bad as patriarchal brainwashing, okay, so shut the fuck up. [BLEEP!]

M This is in response to that Nazi feminist who doesn’t tolerate imaginative interpretations of the female genitals. Men have to tolerate your absurd censorship at work and at home—basically everywhere. More and more men are fed up with this imposed political correctness. Don’t say this, don’t say that, don’t do this, don’t do that. Your pussy is like a huge abyss with WEIRD FISHES in it—you know, the kind that glow in the dark with big teeth? No one ever goes to the abyss because it’s too wide and deep and creepy and cold. If a penis ever gets lost in your abyss of a vagina, it will come back with freezer burn. [BLEEP!]

M My rant is for the lady who’s disgusted by the guy who referred to her vagina as a FLESH WOUND. I tell you what. I won’t refer to your vagina as a flesh wound if you don’t refer to men’s penises as “small invalid cocks.” First of all, my cock is almost a foot long, so I’m not taking this personally. But if you want someone to call your pussy a beautiful little beaver tail as opposed to a slit in the wall, then it would be nice if you could call guys’ dicks, I don’t know, a fucking banana with yummy edible cherries or something. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, hello, this is the person who left the original rant about the vagina being a flesh wound. I just wanted to say that I never bashed women. I love women. I was just asking why we love the vagina so much. That’s all. I didn’t mean anything by it. I respect women to the max! So don’t get your panties all up in a bundle there, I just wondered why we love the vagina and sometimes I just think it would be better if you guys were GAGGED while we fondled your vaginas. That’s all. No big whoop. Take a pill, relax. I love youse all. Keep it clean. Wash it, shave it, get it all pampered up because I’m coming to get them. I love the vagina and you never know where I’m gonna be. I might be in the local bar picking you up and I might be in your trousers by the end of the night. So get it all cleaned up. God love youse. [BLEEP!]

F I’m calling about the guy who’s wondering if there are any women out there who like SMALL PENISES. Well, me, personally, I like big dicks but I know some women—girls, actually—who like small penises. VIRGINS. Virgins like small penises because they’ve never seen penises before. Therefore any penis is the biggest penis they’ve ever seen. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this is to all those OLD PEOPLE who take hours to get on and off the bus and make everyone late for work. Why don’t they make a bus specifically for old people so everyone else can get to work on time? Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I’m just ranting back about some really ERRONEOUS INFORMATION. I’m just back from a camping trip of three days. Dragonflies were landing on my shirt, on rocks, everywhere. It’s simply not true that dragonflies can only land on a branch, as was stated in the Rant Line™ in the issue of July 18. This is misinformation that should not be spread! Dragonflies can land on something flat! [BLEEP!]

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We want to hear from you!
Call (514) 271-RANT (7268)

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Yes, hello Rant Line.™ I want to RAGE about 990 radio being made a French station instead of being left alone. Those people have worked hard and FOR NO MONEY for years and now they’re getting totally ass-ploughed by the Bell telephone company. First, why is a telephone company allowed to do anything involving radio or TV? Second, if I see one more shitty Bell commercial lying to me about rates and service and anything positive, I’ll go nuts. Bell is really a shit company and they have the worst service, rates and products in Canada. And third, Say No to Bell and SAVE 990 radio! Don’t let the English sports fans suck Bell cock, like the CRTC always does. GO EXPOS. [BLEEP!]

M I’m not really sure there’s a proven link between DEATH METAL and GAYNAL sex. It could just be the music was found ideal for masking the gaynal sounds. I don’t know for sure because I don’t really like either of those things, though maybe I haven’t listened to enough death metal or had enough gaynal. Please make sure you print that correctly: g-a-y-n-a-l. Really the only reason I called was to get that word into general use. [BLEEP!]

M This is for all the supposed SHARP anti-fascist skinheads out there. You guys know that the MUSLIM BROTHERHOOD really don’t like white people, right? You guys could maybe, like, talk to them. And, another thing—you know they just discovered that homophobics are actually deep-down closet homosexuals? So I wonder if you guys, who say you are anti-fascist, if deep down you are not secretly fascist. If you’re really anti-fascist, how come you don’t fight the fascist police? No, you guys would rather beat up on some white guy. What the hell? You got the frickin’ Islam nation that fucking hate fucking white people. But what are you guys doing? Oh yeah, you’re pretending you’re actually making a difference. But in reality you’re just a bunch of closet fascists. Later. [BLEEP!]

F Hey Rant Line™, listen to this [commotion can be heard in the background]. Do you hear that? That’s about 20 CHILDREN on the 24 bus. They’re all from some CAMP and they all keep shouting and singing and laughing, saying things about what they’re doing, which is sitting on a bus shouting and singing and laughing. It makes me feel good about life. The last time I saw so many people having a good time, we were all on E. Let’s hope they don’t grow up to be douches. (bleep)

M Hi. This isn’t much of a rant as it is more the TRUTH. It’s about whether or not a musician should have a DAY JOB. I don’t think it matters. It all goes back to the  DEIFYING, the MYTHOS, of musicians, separating us from each other. Yes, there are great talents like Jimi Hendrix and Jeff Buckley. And there is the underground music scene, with tons of bands doing things that aren’t known. They work day jobs. Great writers like BUKOWSKI, who was a POSTMAN for a lot of years, wrote books and poems as a creative outlet. I could fill up the Rant Line™ with tons of stories—like MINGUS, who worked a day job and played at night and then would go off with his kids and then go play again. So there are many different variations and variables to a musician’s life. It’s more about the output and how we enjoy it. Or maybe we criticize it. But be careful, because there is no such thing as what a musician is. They come in many different SHAPES and sizes and colours. Please don’t believe the hype—musicians are just like anybody else. They have some great talents and you should appreciate them for those talents. But do not EXALT them to god-like status. [BLEEP!]

M What up, Rant Line™? I just wanted to ask why every PIZZA place thinks it’s a good MARKETING STRATEGY to advertise two slices for the price of one. Seriously, can you name one pizzeria that doesn’t? It’s like a cabal of GREASY Montreal pizzeria owners came up with this brilliant idea all at once. But tell me this—if every pizzeria sells two for one, then what the fuck is the price of one? What’s the point of reference? Peace. [BLEEP!]

M If anyone is concerned about WASTAGE of food that they should pay attention to 4 Freres, on Parc. They’re throwing away tons of vegetables and AVOCADOS. But what they’re doing is timing it so nobody can go into the bins. The garbage truck just came, and they just tossed out three bags of incredible stuff—avocados, tomatoes, you name it. I am so incensed by that waste that I think we should get a law set in so that any surplus vegetables must be donated. And if anybody out there cares to act on that—I don’t know who the MP is, and I’m not political, but I do feel responsible for what they’re doing somehow—please go ahead. [BLEEP!]

M All you fucking, finger-licking CHICKEN LOVERS ought to know that the boneless chicken you’re eating had their bones turned to jelly by some fucking toxin solvent shit. Check it out, dude, if you don’t believe me. And another thing, does anybody know why the fucking tap water in the Plateau stinks like an alligator’s asshole? Peace and love, bro. [BLEEP!]

F Put your fucking SHIRTS back on greaseballs. I don’t care how hot it is. This isn’t your backyard and you being shirtless is a little on the puke-inducing side. [BLEEP!]

Got an opinion on the local scene?
We want to hear from you!
Call (514) 271-RANT (7268)

Got an opinion on the local scene? We want to hear from you! Really truly we do. 514-271-7268 (RANT).

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Everybody keeps HATING on HIPSTERS, but I think they’re pretty cool. Yeah, sure, there are a couple of SNOBS and a couple of them that suck, but that’s like any group of people. If you look at metalheads, there are always a couple of them who are really big snobs. People who dress all G—gangsta—there are always a couple of them who suck. But some of them are NICE. I think that anybody who generalizes about an entire group of people is just being ignorant and stupid. You’re a fucking snob yourself! Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, what’s up, Rant Line™? Hey, you know what I just found out? Death metal was invented to cover up the noise of MALE-ON-MALE ANAL sex. That’s why it’s horrible!I just had a first-hand experience right now. I walked in to this room to get a lighter to light whatever the fuck I was smoking—you guys don’t need to know—and I walked in on two guys having anal sex with death metal playing really loudly. I fell to my KNEES—and then I got the fuck out of there as fast as I could. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this is to the guy drying his hands on his PANTS at the Biftek because the blow dryer doesn’t work. I just want to say that if you’re going to  pay $400 for jeans, maybe you shouldn’t be drinking at the Biftek. [BLEEP]

M Hi there, Rant Line™. I don’t know if you’re checking this anymore, but I just want to let you know, it’s just not the same without you. See you later. [Ed’s reply: Actually, we’re still here. Doing as great a job as ever! Please see the following rant.] [BLEEP!]

M Hey, wassup? This is directed to the editor of the Rant Line™, you fuckin’ cock. Why do you print shit that’s garbage? All the time. You know, it’ll go on about four or five weeks about the same fuckin’ topic. What the fuck is wrong with you? Honestly, I say shit CLEVER and I barely get in the fuckin’ Rant Line™. I’ve been in the Rant Line a couple times but with my most clever shit I never get in to it. I’ll talk bullshit about music or blah, blah, blah and you fuckin’ print me. But if I say clever shit, it doesn’t get in. You know what I’m sayin’? You suck. You suck. Just start doing shit bad-ass. That’s it. That’s all I ask. You fucking suck. Get better. And fucking print this rant because it’s truthful, asshole. All right? You know what I’m sayin’? Fuck you, editor of the Rant Line™. You suck. You totally suck. I don’t want to know your name. I don’t know your name. Like, seriously, you’ve got the COOLEST JOB in the fucking world and you take advantage of the shit by listening to the shit and, you know, printing the bullshit. You fucking suck, dude. Honestly. You’ve got a good job, don’t fucking waste it. You dick, motherfuck. I fucking hate you. Please print this, you cunt. Peace. [BLEEP!]

F Listen up motherfuckers. I decided to spend my last 20 cents on my account to call the Rant Line™ instead of PRANK CALLING my ex-boyfriend. I think it was a WISE CHOICE. I think he probably knows it’s me that prank calls him at least once a month. Random calls, hanging up, whatever. I’m a little bit of a STALKER. [BLEEP!]

F This is to the asshole who thinks women should take it as a compliment when he tells them they have NICE TITS. If some asshole on the street stopped to tell me I had nice tits, they’d be the last thing he saw before I kneed his TINY BALLS out the top of his empty head. Treat us with respect! My tits aren’t there for your pleasure, and no self-respecting woman wants some creepy idiot sexually assaulting her VERBALLY when she’s out and about. Degenerate losers. Go home and masturbate to pictures of your MOTHER. [BLEEP!]

M I just want to find out if this is true or not. I could be wrong. You know, I’m not an expert on everything. Do most women think that if a guy says something to them, he wants to FUCK them? He wants to have sex with them? I seem to keep getting that reaction from women. I’m just a friendly person and I say something out of friendliness, and they act like I want to fucking sleep with them and see them NAKED. I mean, my God. My God. I mean, there are guys like that, but most guys don’t want to fucking fuck every girl they meet! Okay? So maybe you girls can straighten me out on this. Have you reduced yourself to that low level that you think you’re just purely SEX OBJECTS and that we have no interest in you other than having sex with you? It’s all about sex, right? You fucking women should get your fucking DIRTY MINDS out of the gutter. It’s the women with the dirty minds, really, not the men. [BLEEP!]

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Call (514) 271-RANT (7268)

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“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Good morning, Rant Line™. This is Regimental Oneton. I just figured I’d tell you a funny story, strictly for entertainment value. It’s about my 12-pound Boston Terrier named Oscar. He’s not CASTRATED because I believe in treating him equally. If I castrated him I’d have to castrate myself and we both know I don’t want to do that. Every morning, Oscar sleeps with me and this particular moment he was on my stomach, getting petted. I have a full length mirror next to the bed, and I turned him over and his little Chanel lipstick was FULLY ERECT. I got worried. Just as I’m tossing him off me, an ARC OF JIZZ goes over him and lands squarely across my face and some of it ended up in my mouth. I ended up throwing him 20 metres across the room, and I’m not a violent person. So I just started spitting on him, spitting his sperm back on to him as my girlfriend laughed her ass off for about 45 minutes. So needless to say we have a very good, fully functioning relationship. I’ve tasted his and I’m looking forward to him tasting mine eventually. Have a nice day! [BLEEP!]

M I’m calling from the bathroom of the Biftek. They have got to get their shit together considering their HAND DRYERS. I just washed my hands and the air flow just sprinkled out. I paid $400 for these fucking jeans, ok, they are not a towel! [BLEEP!]

M I’m at the Barfly and there are these OLD GUYS talking about “Tangled Up in Blue” being the best song ever recorded. I just want to say fuck you to “Tangled up in Blue,” fuck you to BOB DYLAN and fuck you to old guys in bars. [BLEEP!]

M Hello, my name is Edward. This is a shout-out to the KILTS at Ye Olde Orchard Pub. I’d like to go SPELUNKING under those kilts. So yeah, keep it up ladies! [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™, I’m calling about these ridiculous METRO COPS—the STM idiots that you see standing around on the metro platform all dressed like they are Anaheim SWAT. What are you going to do, check my ticket? Jesus Christ, you are hardly any sort of law enforcement official. Fuck you guys. [BLEEP!]

M What ARTIST uses another man’s house to practice their UGLY DOODLES on in the middle of the night and without that man’s permission? You’ve got to be either a lunatic or a sociopath. [BLEEP!]

M Hi kids! I haven’t called in a while but I just wanted to say I smoked a little DOOBIE and I am watching the Olympics and it’s awesome! But I have something else on my mind—what is it with athletes doing publicity for Cover Girl? Makeup? Like, seriously? At the Olympics!? If there is one thing that is real, it’s athleticism. What the fuck does makeup have to do with it? I really don’t understand. [BLEEP!]

F Listen up motherfuckers, this is the 12 Gauge Minx making my monthly rant. Ok, my number one rant is, how many times do I have to hear news reporters, or anyone doing some kind of media coverage, and they’re talking about London and they have to throw in the across the pond reference? Seriously, is that the only thing we know what to say about London or England? Across the pond? ACROSS THE FUCKING POND?? [BLEEP]

M Life was better when you could smoke in bars. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. I guess this is a rant about PARENTS, people who have kids. I am pretty sick of listening to co-workers talk about how difficult it is to have kids. I don’t mind an anecdote here or a story there, or even a daily thing, like “this is how hard it is to raise kids.” But I don’t want to constantly hear how it’s some kind of BURDEN that’s been put on them by the world. You decided to have fucking kids! I’ve ABORTED three kids! I could have three children now, but I was, like, fuck that. And they got vacuumed flat by MORGENTALER’S PEOPLE. They’re gone. And to hear people going “Wahhhhh, it’s so fucking hard to have kids,” I don’t give a shit! You took that on. That’s your fucking deal. It’s not something I imposed on you. Getting them vacuumed out is a choice, having them is a choice. Live with your fucking decision, and fucking get over yourself. You are not more important than anyone else because you had fucking kids. That’s my rant. [BLEEP!]

M [sounding suspiciously like Senator Clay Davis] Hey, it’s 100 degrees outside and I’m calling about all the bitches walking around with their big sweaty JUBBLY titties. And if I say, “Hey, you got some sweet titties,” why you look at me like a piece of shit? I’m just giving you a compliment! I ain’t looking to rape you or no shit, I’m just giving you a compliment on your titties. Sheeit! Can’t a guy tell you you got nice titties without you getting all up in his face?? [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I’m trying to meditate on getting into all the ANGRY THINGS in my life, thingsthat I hate, trying to let that stuff go. And lo and behold I came upon a TRUTH: if you hate something, let it go. If it comes back to you, man, you really hate that shit. [BLEEP!]

Got an opinion on the local scene?
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Call (514) 271-RANT (7268)

This week: Metallica, Sunset Chick, Boris!

Plus: Angelina Jolie ice cream scoop attracts international media attention!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

F About the Metallica show. It was a really good fucking show, the only problem is we waited THREE HOURS in line before we could get in. We missed Deftones, Mudvayne, all the other bands. People were selling beer for five bucks outside because of the three hour wait to get inside to see Limp Bizkit and Metallica. You couldn’t get a pizza, a toilet, nothing. Couldn’t they should have set things up more properly so people could get in? I want half of my money back, I missed two thirds of the bands! Metallica rocks! [BLEEP!]

M I’m praying that the SCARY AFFLICTION that’s being passed around the world and that’s done so much damage in Toronto won’t spread to Montreal. I’m talking about Britpop. [BLEEP!]

F Does Montreal actually has a FUNK SCENE. I checked out this band a couple weeks ago and, man, I felt like I should be at a wedding party. I’m sick of all these white guys trying to be in these funk bands, because what the fuck do they actually know about funk? Is there a scene or is it hiding somewhere with all these wannabes? I’m desperate at this rate. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. This is for the 22-year-old chick and the Ben and Jerry’s employee who are working together to STALK Angelina Jolie. Yes, she’s here in Montreal and, yes, there are many of us Montreal women who find her incredibly attractive, but that is no reason to harass her. She is a single mom here with her son, not some HUSSY looking for a good time. She was quoted in an interview as saying one of the best things about Montreal is the cool people that respect her privacy. Please don’t ruin this positive view of our fair city and drive away Angelina and Maddox. Stop your stalking! [BLEEP!]

F Hey, this is the girl from Ben and Jerry’s again. Apparently, People magazine has been reading the Mirror and they noticed that I was talking about Angelina Jolie. All of a sudden, they’re calling here and they want to know what she’s doing, what she’s been ordering and, personally, I think that’s disgusting. In fact, I regret calling in the first place. I thought it was kind of amusing, I’ve been telling my friends that she’s been coming by, but I don’t understand why People magazine cares! All of a sudden it’s such a big deal that she orders Ben and Jerry’s?! Ooh, Angelina Jolie eats ice cream occasionally! See, I don’t think it matters what kind of ice cream Angelina gets. I don’t think it really matters if her fans come by to see her at Ben and Jerry’s. I think that overall it really shouldn’t be such a big deal and I shouldn’t have said anything in the first place. [BLEEP!]

F I don’t know if anyone else has noticed this but someone’s been posting—like, bolting—NOVELS on random posts on St-Laurent. And I don’t know who you are, but I just want to say that I have a huge crush on you. That’s all. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. This is Boris from the Marijuana Party calling about that young POT SMOKER who can’t seem to get off his ass. I think he should do just that—get off his ass and do something. It’s not because you smoke pot that you won’t be able to do anything in life. I know thousands of people who are just as LAZY who have never smoked a puff in their life. So don’t try and blame marijuana and ruin it for the rest of us. Just shut up or get off your ass and do something. You’re good enough to actually pick up the phone and call the Rant Line™, so you can’t be that useless. Now if you want to do something useful, get a hold of the Marijuana Party and run in the next election and prove that you’re not just a lazy pothead. That’s all I have to say. Have a good day. [BLEEP!]

F What’s up? This is a girl from Montreal who’s been smoking weed for a while. Maybe not 10 years like that guy, but for quite a while. I just want to say that I agree with everything the lazy pot smoker said. I used to have ambition and now I’m just smoking weed, satisfied on my couch, just having sex and cooking and doing my stuff. So if you want to succeed in life and be in the same boring routine, don’t smoke weed, you know what I mean? But if you want to be lazy and get money from ways you don’t even understand, have sex everyday, be in nirvana, then go ahead. It’s the best drug. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, this is Sunset Chick, the stupid chick who quit her job so she could see the sun. This is in response to the very angry ANTI-SUNSET rant left by someone who’s obviously really bitter about their job and hates their life. I’m suggesting to this person that they fucking climb the mountain. It takes about 10 minutes. And maybe take some time to watch a sunset or take a walk or fucking do something other than yelling at a STUPID RANT LINE™ about a sunset. Fuckhead. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum

THIS WEEK: Bixis, Bofinger, Great Danes, the Douglas Hospital!

PLUS: An important announcement from Milford Kemp!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

[Ed’s note: This week’s edition consists of some new rants and some old rants that were banked for reasons of space, taste, sanity or slander.]

 M [voice of Milford Kemp] The old decrepit wannabe-JIMI HENDRIX, Milford Kemp, has just been signed to play the lead role of Jimi Hendrix on the Discovery Channel. Shooting August 2-5 here in Montreal! For the first movie or TV documentary in 42 years since his death that has been approved by the family estate. Full rights to the music and the image. Chosen over YouTube, no audition! They saw the American Trash videos and said you to do not imitate, you PERSONIFY Jimi Hendrix. We want you to personify Jimi Hendrix for our movie! We’re gonna pay you lots of money and you’re going to be part of ACTRA, the screen guild. That’s why I do what I do! I don’t want your pennies, I don’t want your dimes, I don’t want your fucking change! I want what God gives me! That’s how God pays me. And that is what you willl never know. I proved to the man I’m as strong as him, because in the eyes of God we are all children of him. The Big Dipper picked me up now he gonna pull me down on the public! YA! And you couldn’t give me a COVER STORY!? You’re CRAZY! [BLEEP!]

M Okay, one question: what is it with GAYS and GREAT DANES? You know, those huge dogs? Are you honestly telling me they’re not having sex with their huge, juicy cocks? Please, clarify it for me. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. I’m just calling about Bixis on the SIDEWALK. If somebody is on a bike, in front or behind me, and rings their BELL at me, I’m that fucking bitch that will not move out of your way. If you’re too chickenshit to ride down the street in traffic, then WALK, because the sidewalk is for mamères and kids under five. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M This is  to the girl who was on MDMA at Radio Lounge. Gee, I know how you feel, sister. When I do DRUGS, I just wish the whole world would stop and do the drug with me. Whenever I do MDMA, every DJ everywhere should be Richie Hawtin. They just automatically become that because I’m on that drug. It’s just like when I smoke pot—all the food in front of me should be pizza. There shouldn’t be anything else. Oh, and there should be only cartoons on TV. And, like, if I do acid, there should only be HINDI CHANTS and copies of the Tibetan Book of the Dead around. It’s the only thing I want to read. And if I do blow, there should be STRIPPERS and COLOMBIAN GUYS saying all kinds of awesome movie lines. You know? And if I don’t have it and it doesn’t happen, I just get upset. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah dude, why go to all the trouble of getting out a bag, bending over putting the DOG SHIT in the bag, tying a knot around the bag and then throwing it on the ground again? You people are worse than HITLER, you’re fucking SHITLER. [BLEEP!]

M To the city of Montreal: I live in St-Henri and I just called work to let them know that I’m not going in because there is no water so I can wash my ass. That is because I took a STICKY SHIT this morning and I can’t flush the goddamned toilet and I can’t wash my ass and I feel like a two-year old wearing a DIAPER. Thank you city of Montreal for your old fuckin’ water pipes, nice going on keeping them updated. I can’t go to work in the year 2012 because I can’t wipe my ass and I feel like I’m in India. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, I have an idea for a new festival for Montreal. Festivale de bavure the insane. Free the loonies from the Douglas. Run them through the streets of Verdun like the running of the bulls at Pamplona. It’d be great. It’d be like the ROMAN CIRCUS. It would draw a lot of tourists to Montreal. We all know we have to pay for those bridges, don’t we? [BLEEP!]

M This is a rant about Caffé Mariani’s in St-Henri. For anyone who’s never been there before, it’s like you’ve died and went to HIPSTER HEAVEN. Nothing but douche bags everywhere. But don’t get me wrong, the food is pretty good. [BLEEP!]

M Is anyone else pissed that Bofinger has pretty much doubled their prices in the last three years? It’s insane. I mean, it was always kind of a rip-off, but paying $8 for three giant fucking BEEF RIBS and a little fucking dish of MACARONI wasn’t such a bad thing. Now it’s fucking $16 for the same shit. It’s absurd. And the service there is terrible. If anybody knows of a decent restaurant where you can get beef ribs in this city the size of fucking Bofinger’s, I’m all ears. [BLEEP!]

M People should come with warning labels. Caution: May cause drowsiness, depression, toxicity. [BLEEP!]

M Yo, Rant Line, why do all my female friends say when they get in cabs solo that they happen to get sexually harassed? What is up with Montreal cab drivers sexually harassing our quote-unquote single females? Let’s have some peace and love and just bring them home safely. This is straight out from a good person. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, Rant Line, right now I’m in the downtown area, it’s a beautiful sunny day, and I have got to say that I appreciate all you women out there showing some skin. Because, let me tell you, we are looking forward to seeing those SEXY SKIRTS of yours. Just shake your asses, show some CLEAVAGE—that’s exactly what we want to see. A’ight? Peace. [BLEEP!]

RL™ TWEET OF THE WEEK I wonder whether the Mirror would have lasted longer or closed sooner if they had never decided the Rant Line was a good idea. @InklessPW

Here is a link to it: http://bit.ly/ME8B48

Vivas in perpetuum Virtual Paper

THIS WEEK: The END of the Mirror!

PLUS: Introducing RL™ TWEET OF THE WEEK, a new regular or irregular feature in which prizes may or may not be awarded!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

F Say it ain’t so! Are you telling me the Mirror is no more? What are we going to do? The Mirror is the best magazine—free stuff, SEXY stuff, all kinds of stuff. I’m going to be broken up. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, I am just happy you ANTI-SEMITES have been shut down. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M I had to hear it on the news first?! Mirror is gone? You gotta be kidding??[BLEEP!]

F Hello, this is not acceptable. No more Mirror? No, not acceptable. Find a SOLUTION. No more Mirror? I will not tolerate that. Find a solution immediately. [BLEEP!]

M A very sad day indeed. This was a great newspaper, a great part of Montreal. I hope you rise from the ASHES in some form and we see the Mirror back one day somehow. Rant Line™, Mirror, you were A-1: all that you did for advertising the bands. It was just a great newspaper. Very sad to hear the news. [BLEEP!]

F I am so sorry to hear about the Mirror closing. I called the Rant Line™ so much, I loved it, it was my favourite thing about the newspaper. I’m gonna miss the Rant Line™ a whole fucking lot. Bye. Thank you so much for so much funny shit over the years. [BLEEP!]

M So I just found out the Quebecor media has shut down the Montreal Mirror. This is one of the worst things I have ever heard happen to Montreal’s CULTURAL landscape. JESUS FUCK. What are we going to do now? [BLEEP!]

M I’m sure I am one of the thousands of voices who is so pissed off that the Mirror is going down. I didn’t always agree with you guys, but I am really going to miss reading you. It is just part of this CORPORATE AGENDA to keep us all ignorant. Let’s just hope it doesn’t work and good luck to everybody. Bye bye. [BLEEP!]

M The Mirror means a lot to me, man. When I moved to Montreal in the spring of 1999, it was the first HABIT I picked up. I’ve read every single issue since, going to far to ask a friend to keep a copy when I was out of town. And I always said that I would never consider myself a true Montrealer until the Rear-View Mirror segment referred to an issue that I had read since I moved here, which happened last year when Rear-View Mirror featured an issue from June,1999. This saddens me deeply. This is my rant. [BLEEP!]

M This is a message for the Rant Line™ and Al South. This is ERIC POPPER calling. I just wanted to say how sad I was to hear about the Montreal Mirror closing and how shortsighted Quebecor is being. I guess you guys are all feeling like SHIT. I would just like to thank you for so many years of support and so many years of good reading. That’s all. Guess these things happen. It’s very sad. I don’t even know if you’ll get this. I’m going to miss the Rant Line™, that’s for sure. I really am. So see you later and thanks for all the good reading. Ok, bye. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, NVP here. I heard that Rant Line™/Mirror is closing down. Hope it’s not true, hope it is only a rumour! Because I’ve grown to live—LOVE—the Mirror, and the Rant Line™ especially, for the service you provide, for me, for everybody, to rant. To let loose and express ourselves. It’s very THERAPEUTIC. If it is true that the Mirror is closing, I hope it will continue to survive in some form, assume some other avenue. It is one of a kind, an institution here. I for one want to say thanks for all the years of really great stuff, where everybody could just be who they are on the Rant Line™. Where everyone could just be a STAR. People need that validation. So I want to give you my best wishes in whatever direction you guys are going. [BLEEP!]

F Well at least the Rant Line™ still works. [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™, I definitely didn’t think this number would still be working. Just wanted to say it’s Thursday and I really miss the Montreal Mirror. To whoever is listening to this, it sucks deeply, sorry about your JOBS. It just sucks for Montreal. [BLEEP]

M Just wondering if this phone line is up for sale? I would love to CAPITALIZE on any callers still calling in. Get back to me, my name is Gabriel. [leaves number] [BLEEP!]

M Hello Rant Line™. I don’t know if this is still working, but we’ll give it a go. June 22, 2012,10 pm Eastern Standard Time. Montreal Mirror is now closed. That is a horrible thing. From 10 pm till midnight tonight I will tweet a new temporary number for the Rant Line™ and I will publish the rants [leaves number]. This phone number will only be active for two hours. I wish you the best. And now I am going to publicize this. Have a good night. [Ed’s note: Results of tribute Rant Line™ unknown] [BLEEP!]

M So this is almost fucking unreal. I was on the SHITTER, I looked at my phone, and I heard a VOICE. Let’s just go ahead and say it was the voice of GOD. It spoke to me clear as a bell. It said: Call the phone company, open up a new account, register a phone number, put it out there, and people will call and air their gripes, speak their peace. Rant, if you will. So I wiped my ass, called up Bell, got it all together… and then I heard that the fucking Rant LIne™ is back. Fucking God hates me. [BLEEP!]

RL™ TWEET OF THE WEEK

Totally using “vacationing in Montserrat” as my new code for “cracked out in Bar Fuzzy,” thanks! @jeanlapilote

[Ed’s note: Prizes may or may not include your choice from an impressive collection of cassettes from forgotten local bands!]

GOT AN OPINON ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL (514) 271-7268 (RANT)