“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Hi, I’m calling to complain about the QUESTIONABLE BEHAVIOUR of a large segment of MONTREAL AUDIENCES at local shows, whether it’s in a club or a larger venue like the Metropolis or Club Soda. My point is that with each ensuing year people are paying less attention to the artist on stage and spending more time YAKKING away at each other, TEXTING, looking at their cell phones, talking at PEAK VOLUME and not paying one iota of attention to the artist on stage. This is annoying as hell. People are paying, at times, lots of money, $60, $70, $80, and not watching the fucking show on the stage! It just makes absolutely no sense to me. I’m thinking maybe promoters should hand out some RITALIN at the door or get up onstage before the first act—because the first act gets ignored more than the main act—and tell people to shut the fuck up. I understand it’s a club atmosphere, and it’s congenial for talking and stuff, but people have no business being RUDE, and this definitely qualifies as capital-R rude behaviour. I’ve actually seen artists tell people to shut the hell up—it’s pretty embarrassing when it has gotten to that stage. My suggestion is, please think about where you are and what you’re doing as you’re rudely ignoring the guy or girl who’s sweating up on stage, trying to sing his or her SOUL off, and not being listened to by a bunch of rude fucks in the audience. [BLEEP!]

M Hey kid! You want to lose your SANITY? You want to lose every bit of faith you had in people? Work in customer service! Working in customer service can make and will make SERIAL KILLERS. I swear, I never wanted to punch people with disabilities before I started working in customer service. I assure you, you will lose every bit of sanity you have left. [BLEEP!]

F To the guy who said people with dogs should have to pay through the nose if there dog does something stupid, I agree, 100 per cent. But I think it should be even STRICTER than that. Today I saw a couple, a guy and a girl, the guy was on his phone, they had a dog on a leash, they looked sort of oblivious—they weren’t punks, I don’t want to blame the punks—and they just were walking along until suddenly the dog—not a pitbull, I don’t want to blame the pitbulls either—stops in its tracks and takes a big SHIT, right on the sidewalk, and when it had finished—it looked very pleased with itself—they just carried on walking, the guy kept talking on its phone, they didn’t pick up the shit, they didn’t give a shit, only the dog gave a shit. I swear to god, people like this should not have a dog! The only way I can think to stop people like this is that everyone has to pass a TEST before they get a dog. A long written test. And one question would be a very easy question, it would be, “Can you let your dog shit on the sidewalk and not pick up the shit?” And if you are too fucking stupid or selfish to know the correct answer, BZZZT, sorry, no dog for you, you stupid, stupid idiot. [BLEEP!]

F Hello, I just wanted to let everyone know that I just got back from Vancouver and that is how FOOD TRUCKS are supposed to be. Not like here. Speaking of food trucks in Montreal, has anyone seen one lately? What a massive fail. [BLEEP!]

M Hello, could someone please tell me how Montreal CONSTRUCTION works? I was walking by the TENNIS COURTS at Jeanne Mance today—you know, the ones that were fine, that they tore up last year to rebuild at the cost of millions of dollars? That the city said would be ready by June of this year? Well today when I walked by today, end of June, they are not ready, they are far from ready, and there was nobody working on them. How does this happen? Are the deadlines just a rough idea? How are they allowed to get away with this? Where is the construction crew? Does anybody know? And so ok, what is even worse about that whole Jeanne Mance project is that they tore up the BASEBALL FIELD—the one where every weekend there was a very popular local game. Those guys and girls had been playing there for years, it was like a LOCAL CULTURAL EVENT, practically. And at first the city said the field would not be affected by the tennis work, that everything would be ok, but just a few weeks ago they tore up the backstop and the field is gone. Just gone! The reason I heard is that the city now claims it was too dangerous, that cars or pedestrians on Mount Royal might get hit by a stray softball. Hello? People have been playing on that baseball diamond for like 40, 50 years, maybe 100 years. Maybe since the invention of baseball! Have you heard of any serious softball injuries? Were cars swerving around and people getting BEANED? Did you ever see that on the news? Ever hear anyone complain about it? I don’t think so. I think it was just a mean petty thing—someone in the city didn’t like a bunch of people in an informal fun baseball league just, you know, having FUN. [BLEEP!]

M I had a real livid dream last night. It was about my GRANDMOTHER, and she had TATTOOS all over her legs. Now a chick with tats kind of grosses me out, cuz you’re not fucking the tats, you’re trying to get through to the person who owns the tats, but you get distracted because the tats are there. But anyway, back to the grandmother FANTASY, I mean dream. It was like she had got all shriveled up and her tattoos had mutated into some unrecognizable REPTILIAN SPECTER. I mean—tattoos on my grandmother’s ass. NOOO. [BLEEP!]

F Hi, I just wanted to give a shoutout to Paul Gérin-Lajoie, who died today. No I had never heard of him either! But he died today, age 98, and it turns out that he was the FATHER of Quebec education, the guy who created the CEGEPs. And thank god for Cegep, because I could not have stayed in high school for one more second without killing myself, or maybe half of the school. So thank you Monsieur Gérin-Lavoie! [BLEEP]

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“edited” by AL SOUTH

M No, no, no. Every spring it is the same thing—the RESURRECTION of all the winter DOG SHIT. Which reminds me, I’ve got a simple solution for all the PITBULL and dog bylaw bullshit. It’s easy. To own a dog you must sign a waiver that you are responsible for all the dog’s actions—property damage, mauling, killing. If your dog has done it, you pay all the expenses incurred. Say like $100,000 in the case of mauling, and at least a million for killing. The dog is DESTROYED, no questions, no arguments. The problem is all these sucky whiny self-entitled spoiled BRAT dog owners who don’t take responsibility for their moronic actions of not properly managing their stupid little dog. Sign on the dotted line and shut the fuck up. Peace out. [BLEEP!]

F Shout out to the group of five like 56-year-old people passing a JOINT around in Jeanne Mance Parc today after work. Well, after I was at work, not the fuck after they were at work. They were enjoying life with everybody else. Summer is here baby! [BLEEP!]

M Hi, my name is Rockin’ Rob. I just want to say I’m a bit distressed because I don’t think there is a proper METAL SCENE here in Montreal. Metal saved my life with its positive life-affirming message! It is not the DEVIL’S music. It’s just plain music, and it’s all about how you use it and appropriate it in your life. But there’s not enough metal in town—I’ve been to many clubs but there’s just no true metal anymore. I have to go find my stuff underground—there are no clubs that are really properly playing metal or having true metal bands. What’s going on here? Hip hop rap, it’s ok, I’m very appreciative of all kinds of mucis, but I’m a METAL MAN. We need a revival of metal here in Montreal and clubs that will properly show appreciation and let metal bands come in. There’s nothing to FEAR. What are people afraid of? I never became a devil worshipper by listening to metal—I became a better person. I’m not against other forms of music, I’m a very open-minded person, that’s what metal is all about. But I am first and foremost devoted to metal, without condemning others. I’d like to see metal be given a fair shake. [BLEEP!]

F Get this. I was just sneered at in the supermarket for wanting to play the LOTTERY by a mother with kids who made it look like she definitely wiped out in the having kids sweepstakes. One look at those two kids proves having children is a real gamble! It seems some kids are always ready for Halloween. [BLEEP!]

M This is just a public service announcement from your LOCAL SERVICE CLERK. As summer struts in, women are pretty, it’s nice out, of course you want to go out. So of course, when you go to see a show, please, don’t be an ass, don’t try to be a smartass with me. When I tell you that you got the fucking discount for the tickets you purchased, you got the fucking discount! Don’t try to OUTSMART me and cancel your ticket and rebook just to try to save two or three dollars because you think there may be a discrepancy in the price. Guess what! I see idiots like you eight hours a day trying to tell me how to do my job! So I know things a lot better than you! So when you go out of your house in your MOBILITY SCOOTER because you are so fat that you can’t bearing walk under the weight of your own ass, please, don’t behave like one. [BLEEP!]

M Hello Rant Line™ this is your favourite friendly neighbourhood DRUG USER here. I think it is fine to do drugs, as long as you don’t depend on them, and I honestly don’t see why some people are making such a fuss about pot legalization. But I am seeing more and more in the news how the government is trying to demonize it—“Oh my god, it’s bad, and here are the facts before it gets legalized.” Please, get over yourselves, you guys are outright selling way worse shit, like alcohol, which is a lot more dangerous than pot. You smoke pot, you just GIGGLE like an idiot, then afterwards you have the MUNCHIES and you go to SLEEP. That’s pretty much it. While when you’re drinking, you just drink and drink and drink and then afterwards you fall upside down in the DUMPSTER puking on yourself. It’s not the best thing to do. I’m all for pot, I just hate the demonization of it. [BLEEP!]

 M Yeah this is a call from Gatineau. It’s a message for Alamo. I just wanted to say thanks again for the fresh pair of jeans you gave me in that stack of National Geographics. The tiniest bit of hope you showed me in that pocket full of XANAX. You were there for me brother with a train ticket to recover when life got too tough and I couldn’t seem to kill myself quick enough. I’m pretty sure I still owe you for that quarter ounce of weed, though. I’ll pay it all forward with love to the next sick brother in need, you know I will. You’re free now, free of judgment, you’ve still got the love. Free from hunger because you were sick as fuck and you suffered under it. You’re gone and so is the pain, I just hope your mother can recover, I’ll miss you my man, and I love you my brother. [BLEEP!]

F Hey Rant Line™, this is going to sound kind of weird, but I was just thinking of this friend I used to have, this really good friend. He kind of went FASCIST in 2016. We stopped talking over the WHOLE TRUMP THING. I’m terrified to reach out to him, in case he’s a full-on fascist now. Like, I’m actually terrified. I know he sometimes reads this so—if you were my friend in 2016 and we had a big fight over Donald Fucking Trump, and you’re not a fascist anymore, just reach out. If you are a fascist, you can stay fucked off. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)

“edited” by AL SOUTH

F Hey, I am calling because I just do not understand what is going on in Parc Extension, especially on Querbes street. I have never seen so much garbage. Yesterday there was a man who literally threw a bag full of DVDs on the sidewalk, on which he then dropped POTS OF LASAGNA and then pieces of a WIG. All of this now is in a beautiful little melting snow pile mess. There are also rotting chairs, sandwiches, more lasagna and videos. So if anybody wants to go and clean up that street—maybe like the city—that would be really great, because it looks like a SLUM. [BLEEP!]

M For all of you who are whining about the pitbull ban, I suggest that what we really need in this city is a ban on ALL DOGS. The amount of dog shit and small green plastic green bags of dog shit on the streets and sidewalks of this city is out of control, particularly since the French—from FRANCE—moved in. We’d all be better off if people just kept cats as pets. Or even CHICKENS. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, hi, this is one of the regulars from Bagel Etc, the diner on St. Laurent. As many of you may know, when LEONARD COHEN was still alive he used to come by the diner often. Well, actually he hadn’t been there since probably 2014, but he did come by. And we had, at the cash, a little kind of tribute, a mini-kind of a shrine, to him. And last Saturday, some guy, or girl, probably a guy, stole the HAT that was part of the shrine. The grey, wool-knit, kind of tweed hat that Cohen wore circa 2005, before he got into the whole fedora in the last decade of his life. But we just want for you to know, the guy who stole it, that it was not Leonard’s real hat! It was a hat from the lost and found that we put there. You don’t have Leonard Cohen’s hat. You have some lost and found hat from some guy who left it there. That’s all. [BLEEP!]

M Ok, I just heard that Hampstead is going to BAN SMOKING in all of Hampstead. You won’t be able to smoke anywhere outside. Anywhere at all. So supposedly you can smoke in your own home, as if anyone still does that, but if you live in the one set of apartments in Hampstead, you can’t smoke there either, you will have to walk across the street to Cote St Luc. The FREE LAND of Cote St Luc! Listen, I am not sure I have ever been to Hampstead, but I feel like making a trip there just to flaunt this crazy law. Or maybe not, the fine is like $1500! I mean come on, is the smoking problem really that bad in Hampstead that they need to have the most restrictive law in the country? Sounds like they need a real problem to worry about. [BLEEP!]

M Hello Rant Line™. I just saw that they are going to stop the Ogilvy Christmas Window! Are you kidding me? This is a tradition that has been going on for 70 years! Every single Montrealer has a memory of it, every single kid who grew up here looked at. Who in their right mind decided this? They say they need more space—space for what? More dummies in overpriced Holt Renfrew clothes? And they say the toys are getting old—If they are getting old, fix them! They can’t be that complicated, they were built 70 years ago! It’s just a bad, bad corporate decision. It is also bad business, the Christmas Window drew people to the store! I call for a boycott, and if that doesn’t work, here’s a better idea. What breaks glass? Rocks. [BLEEP!]

M If I was living back in Toronto, I would vote for Doug Ford, no doubt. He was the BEST HASH DEALER in Etobicoke, bar none. He always had the best hash. Always. Good hash, fair prices, good quality. The city can’t go wrong with him in charge. Vote Ford. [BLEEP!]

M All right, all right, calm down everybody, you car drivers who are going crazy about not being able to cross the mountain in your frigging automobiles. Number one, it’s a park. Number two, it’s an OLMSTED PARK. Olmsted, the greatest designer of parks in the whole world. New York City has two, Prospect Park and Grand Central Park. Olmsted designed the Chicago World’s fair, for crying out loud. Now listen: he didn’t put a highway in the middle of his freaking park. We have two Olmsted Parks in Montreal. The other one is Westmount Park, and 40 years ago they stopped the highway, called de Maisonneuve, going through that park. There were 17,000 cars going every single day through Westmount Park and one day, thanks to an urban planner who became an activist—because who puts a frigging highway through a park—he pushed the city and the city stopped it. So let’s just stop the stupid highway through the other Olmsted park in Montreal. Please. It’s our frigging beautiful Mount Royal. [BLEEP!]

M Let me tell you a FUNNY STORY. I actually made a wish, upon a SHOOTING STAR, last year. Mainly I wanted to test if the theory was right. But I had been single for a couple of years, so when I saw the shooting star I was like, all right, fine, I wish for a girlfriend. I know it’s fucking cheesy, but I just wanted to try it to see if it would work. And it did! However, not in the way I was hoping. You see, there’s this girl who came back into my life, around Halloween. We hadn’t spoken in 15 or so years, ever since we split from high school. We just got to talk randomly and… it kind of worked. I mean, she came out of the blue, she was very nice to me and everything but… I don’t think in the end we’re going to work together. Because she’s fucking crazy, man! No fucking way! Can I have a refund on the shooting star? [BLEEP!]

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“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Greetings Rant Line™. Well, in November we ordered a Valerie Plante special. It is it too late to send it back? It doesn’t taste very good, it’s cold. I don’t even think it’s fresh. [BLEEP!]

M About Camillien Houde—make the cars go slower and put in proper bike lanes. Duh. [BLEEP!]

M Ok I know a lot has been said about this but I need to add my TWO CENTS. Closing down the MOUNTAIN ROAD to traffic has got to be the stupidest idea a Montreal politician has ever come up with. And Montreal has a long history of stupid ideas—from dumping sewage straight into the river to the Olympic stadium being a good place for baseball to the RODEO and the FORMULA E. I could go on, like I said, it’s a very long and stupid fucking list. But to shut down our most SCENIC DRIVE, to close something that makes you happy and PROUD to be a Montrealer, just so a few people can dress in SPANDEX and ride their bike up to the top, this is the fucking PINNACLE. Listen, if you are worried about traffic, the obvious answer, and this is a solution that any group of fools could come up with in two minutes talking about it in a bar, is to SLOW DOWN the traffic! Lower the speed limit, declare it a MONTREAL SCENIC DRIVE or a Region Touristique Drive or something, and your problem is solved. Everybody is happy, and you can even promote it as a tourist attraction. A real tourist attraction, not a fake one. [BLEEP!]

F Hello, I would just like to say that I can 100 per cent guarantee you that 99.9 per cent of Montrealers could not ride a bicycle up to the top of Camillien Houde if the reward when they got there was a BUCKET of FREE LOTTERY TICKETS. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M Nice job so far, Valerie Plante. Pit bulls are free to get back to their business of killing, which they were born and bred to do—I expect a new killing any day now—while normal NON-LETHAL dogs get massive $500 fines for being momentarily off the leash. And in the meantime a CRAZED CRUSADER with an irrational fear of automobiles and a fetish for BICYCLE SEATS is eliminating parking spaces and blocking off important roads so he can pedal his way up to the top of the mountain and imagine he is Jesus. Valerie Plante, you need to get your house in order. [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™. Hey Cult. I think that you need some better people on your music critique staff. It’s BAFFLING that none of you included the best new BOY BAND since One Direction, Brockhampton, in your year-end list. But you included Bibio’s new album—that’s the most unobtrusive, boring piece of shit that he’s made. It’s barely an album, it’s like soundscapes. And you included the two re-releases of Ramones music, music was made more than 30 years ago. It’s not new 2017 music! Listen to some new music for fuck’s sake. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™, it’s Thursday night, it’s roughly 4 degrees outside, it’s really nice. I’m currently chilling at the old Henri Bourassa station, the one that people don’t use any more. Where all the buses used to be, with the huge parking lot. That’s all gone now. Henri Bourassa is now a GHOST STATION, man. Oddly enough, I take one of the few buses that stops here, right in front of the dojo, to go home. So yeah man, I’m waiting for a ghost bus at the ghost station. Henri Bourassa, man. Ghost town. I remember there used to be a guy who played guitar here, for like 20 years. He always had this weird wacky PURPLE SUIT, he would play in the winter. He passed away several years ago, his name was Jocelyn. That was 20 years ago… but I am fairly certain he haunts this place today. [BLEEP!]

M I just wanted to thank Marc Bergevin, general manager of les Canadiens de Montreal, for turning the team into a LAUGHING STOCK, a complete laughing stock. What a piece of crap team, unbelievable. Marc Bergevin, you are the architect of this mess that we are experiencing now as fans. A bloody mess. I am very disappointed in you, I am very disappointed in your organization. The culture of wining is gone, all you care about is selling your trademarks, merchandise. I don’t even watch the games any more, that’s how bad it is. They are not even worth watching. You’re out of the playoffs, you traded away Suban, you traded away Markov. I’m done with the Habs. Completely. Fully completely. [BLEEP!]

F Yeah, this for the guy who works at my dep who has what looks like a really intentionally BAD HAIRCUT and is always playing really boring obnoxious music You look like you care about AESTHETICS a lot, but you don’t understand them at all. I’m not HATING, I m just concerned. [BLEEP!]

F Hi, this is MISTRESS. I have something to rant about—a certain jealous evil-minded bimbo named (names semi-known quasi-celebrity). Get in the ring, you stinking cunt! Because I have nothing to lose—you will find out what a cunt I am. You fuck rocks stars for money, not I! I am going to ruin you. Go suck Hugh Hefner’s cock once again—why would any woman in her right mind want to be a Playboy bunny? (Names major 80s rock star) confided in me that you coudn’t even suck him dry, let alone RIDE him the right way. Playboy magazine will go down! I am starting my own magazine, Mistress File. You’re a poor excuse for all independent women who have substance—you are degrading. Fucking VROMA MOUNA. I want to piss and shit all over you, PULL YOUR HAIR and stick your head in the toilet! Lick it clean! You had your 15 minutes of fame! Celebrity shit! [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M First of all I want to say how GHASTLY the two Leonard Cohen murals are. I am not alone. They are absolutely ghastly. They are a testament to the fact that architecture is not appreciated. Please architects, if you are going to design a building, design one that doesn’t need a bloody mural on the outside of it. Ok, now you can all scream and cry because I’ve made fun of someone you will never meet, and did nothing for you. [BLEEP!]

M I don’t like Valerie Plante any more. Bring back Denis. Cheers. [BLEEP!]

F Thank you Valerie Plante for RAISING TAXES on the suburbs and especially the RICH SUBURBS like Westmount and Montreal West. I live downtown, have a BAD JOB and pay too much rent, I am sick of hearing people in the suburbs who live in BIG HOUSES complaining and whining that they are going to have to pay more taxes, as if it is going to kill them. Please, take their money and put it into the city, make it better. Ad more buses, stop the metro from BREAKING DOWN. And also, there should be SPECIAL TAXES on people from the South Shore and Laval, who come into the city and put potholes in the roads and get stupid drunk at the bars and then head back to the 450 with their tails between their legs—make them pay for the experiences. Put up tolls on the bridges, turn them back at the river if they don’t want to pay. Montreal for Montrealers! [BLEEP!]

M Bitching neighbours are ruining this city. First L’Gros Luxe is shut down, and now I hear Divan Orange is closing in the spring. Jesus Christ, these are good places, they bring life and fun to the city—it is amazing to me that a couple of VIGILANTE BAD NEIGHBOURS can have the power to shut down establishments that make a city a city. I heard that at both L’Gros Luxe and Divan Orange it was mainly just a few people who were making the complaints, the same few people phoning in about the NOISE again and again and again. Why do these people live in the city? What are they doing here? A city has bars, it has restaurants, a city has noise. If you don’t want to be part of the life of a city, leave the city! There are many quiet streets in many quiet boroughs, go there for fuck’s sake. Although I am sure that people who complain so much when they are in the city would find something to complain about somewhere else too—they are unhappy miserable fucks who want to make everyone else miserable. They want to kill the fun for one and all. Go move to the SUBURBS and complain about the uncut lawn or the lawn mowers or the shape of the garbage can or—talk about some real noise—the LEAF BLOWERS. But seriously, how do these few people, this HANDFUL OF KILLJOYS, have so much power? Why? Someone needs to do something. Those of us who want to keep our city happening and vibrant and a good place to be, we need to be vigilant too. Pro-noise vigilantes. We need to get on it. They have shut down a VEGETARIAN RESTAURANT. It is not right. [BLEEP!]

F More sexual harassment cases every day. What’s next? GROUPIES? [BLEEP!]

M Could someone tell me please, what is DANCING PORNOGRAPHICALLY? Does this happen here too? Are there any bars one can recommend where this goes on? Not strip bars, I know where those are. I mean bars where regular people dance pornographically? I am sort of serious. [BLEEP!]

M What the fuck is wrong with the people still wearing the CANADA GOOSE JACKETS? It’s not even original or TRENDY or nice, and every second person looks the same. And guess what, your thousand dollar jacket costs so much because there is a DEAD COYOTE on it, and the FEATHERS of geese. Please, if you want to be original, or PRETTY, stop wearing Canada Goose jackets. Go and find something nice and cruelty-free. Why do you have to wear a dead animal? And that goes for all the fur and feathers out there—it’s much better looking on the animal. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, this is FAIR WARNING to all those asshats who drive very close to me when the city doesn’t clear the sidewalks. If you think it’s funny to drive a few inches away from me when I am walking on the side of the road, keep in mind that I could be carrying RUSTY NAILS on me to scratch your fucking paint. Stay away. [BLEEP!]

F Ok, I heard some guy from the city say that they were using a “SCOTT TOWEL” approach to cleaning the roads and the sidewalks, letting the snow that was already there absorb the rain. It sounded sort of CUTE, and I thought, ok, this could be a good plan. But you know what, this was not a good plan! In fact it was a DISASTROUS PLAN because now you can’t go outside and there are people falling everywhere and they are not falling on Scott Towels they are falling on sheer fucking ice! [BLEEP!]

F Here’s an idea, you know how in the summer Montreal has nothing but festivals, festivals for fireworks, jazz, comedians, lobsters. Well now I saw that they are wondering which festivals will allow legalized marijuana—I think they all should by the way—but even better than that, I think there should be one big marijuana festival. A FESTIVAL DE POT. A massive three-day pot fest, outside, like at the car racing track, or even better, you could totally close off Ste. Catherine street downtown and have blocks and blocks of booths with people selling weed and trading weed and cooking with weed. People would come from all over the world for this! JOINT POUR RIRE. Valerie Plante, are you listening? [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)

“edited” by AL SOUTH

F Bonjour! Hi! Hola! Buongiorno! Guten Tag! Shalom! Privét! Namaste! Salaam! Nǐ hǎo! Konnichiwa! Sàwàtdee kráp! [BLEEP!]

F So this is going to sound a bit MORBID, essentially, but I don’t understand how the hosts of the Beat 92.5 honestly don’t just don’t commit SUICIDE. This isn’t a personal attack, I don’t know them. However, where I work they play it constantly and I just don’t understand how anyone can listen to this for hours on end—let alone host it—without literally wanting to blow their brains out. I don’t even work here that much when they play the Beat, 13 hours a week, and in that time I have heard Usher’s “DJ Got Us Falling In Love” pretty consistently, generally at least twice a shift. Have there been no songs released since “DJ Got Us Falling In Love”? How many times can you LEGALLY play it on the air before you get taken off? I just don’t understand. Quebec needs to get some LEGISLATION in place. Can’t deal with it anymore. [BLEEP!]

M Greetings Rant Line™. Can you name two things that played recently at the Bell Center that both SUCKED equally? The answer: Les Canadiens and Arcade Fire. I remember when the Montreal Canadiens were a Stanley Cup dynasty, there was a parade practically every spring. It was amazing. And the Arcade Fire, I remember when they were a really cool indie rock band. They had good tunes, a cult following, their shows were a big deal. But look what happened to them—they became a Top 40 disco band! I can’t believe it. And the Montreal Canadiens, they became the Toronto Maple Leafs. It’s HEARTBREAKING. [BLEEP!]

M Hello, to answer the question from the female ranter who asked “Where are all the women, how come they’re not ranting?” Maybe it’s because they are absolutely completely consumed with a MALE INVENTION called the iPhone. Peace out. [BLEEP!]

M Oh boy. I’ll break the ice and be a bad guy. To the female ranter, cut that shit out with your NON-BINARY NONSENSE. The Rant Line™ is not your personal Tumblr blog—you’re either born a GIRL or a BOY. Deal with it. You’re not a computer operating only on ones and zeros. Seriously, have you even looked around to see these goofs in action—it’s pigeon-holing at its finest, with all those made-up buzz words to make them seem interesting. Look, I’ll do the same thing now—I sexually identify as an overweight trans-dimensional demonically possessed ELF from Mitgard who pilots techo copters for a living and if I ever meet you and you refuse my SEXUAL ADVANCES you are a racist xenophobe fatphobic, a bigot, a sexist, and a Nazi. Those are real arguments by the way, look it up if you don’t believe me. These people also like to pretend they are OTHERKINS, like “Oh, I’m not a human, I’m a 300-year-old dragon named Dmitri” or some such shit. They also consider having multiple people inside their head fun—fun fact, that’s called schizophrenia, you might want to get checked for that. And then there are all the TRIGGERS they like to claim to have, which is anything anyone can ever do that induces them into a PANIC ATTACK for the stupidest reasons you can think of. And they have no shame in saying they are self-diagnosed, as if a doctor with years of study wouldn’t know better than some egotistical jackass. And I will guarantee you, Rant Line™, if you post this rant next month, not only will I buy you a drink of your choice, just for the roaring laughter I will have, but you will also allow me to say what a lot of us NORMAL PEOPLE in a normal setting can never say out loud publicly, because if you do you can count on the social justice warriors harassing you to the point of going to your place of employment and making you LOSE YOUR JOB. Just because you said something that hurt someone’s FEE-FEES and shattered their made-up fantasies for moment. Trust me Rant Line™, this cautionary tale is to bid you not to let that SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE shit on your pages. It’s for your own good. Peace. It’s ok to be WHITE. [BLEEP!]

M Do we really need a high-speed TRAIN from Montreal to Quebec City? I can maybe understand people from Quebec City wanting to come to Montreal, but who the fuck from Montreal wants to get to get to Quebec City that bad, or that fast? [BLEEP!]

M Look, anglophones, the Olympic Stadium is here to stay. You may not like it, you may think it is a DEAD WHITE ELEPHANT in the middle of nowhere, but that is because you are an anglophone and never leave your tiny anglophone GHETTO. The vast majority of Montrealers, and Quebecers, LOVE the Parc Olympique de Montreal. It is a bold architectural structure, it is part of our PATRIMOINE, it was built to last. And because of the way it was made, you could not blow it up even if you wanted to. The joke is on you. [BLEEP!]

M When I heard about LUDWIG VAN BEETHOVEN’S musical influences, which were derived because people were singing on their balconies, playing music in the streets, doing all kind of HUNGARIAN DANCES—immersed in the 19^th century freedom and need to express things musically—and I look around me I see it is like a MORATORIUM that is confounded by committees and the fear of being fined because you don’t have a permit, and no one is listening to you anyway because they have their EAR BUDS on, I just had to rant about this. What is going to happen with music? What flower will bloom when everything is caged and you can’t do what you want to do where you want to do it and when you want to do it? I have the need to do it, but I’m not going to wait five years for a committee of bureaucrats to pass approval upon my impulses. Music is need, now. It’s not next year. Let the people speak and breathe and play. [BLEEP!]

F I think the Liberal government should come round and apologize to all the HOMELESS who’ve been roughed up and treated like trash and give them money and HUGS. [BLEEP!]

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“edited” by AL SOUTH

M What the fuck, it took FOUR COPS to arrest one guy whose only crime was singing an old C + C and the Music Factory Song? Ok, maybe he was singing it BADLY, but still, this is not a crime. I keep saying this—the cops here are out of hand. And this got big news coverage, so now everyone in the WORLD knows it. I am making it a point—everybody should make it a point—to sing or just yell the words “EVERYBOY DANCE NOW” every time you see or pass by a cop. Maybe they will get the message. [BLEEP!]

M Right. So am I the only one that keeps seeing E.P. Bergen, the guy from Bran Van, WALKING HIS BIKE around Little Italy? I don’t know what’s up, is the guy all right? Does anybody know this guy? Could someone reach out and maybe give him a hand? He looks like he’s in trouble. Maybe he should reach down into his pants and grab his balls and make a fucking decision. [BLEEP!]

F Hey Rant Line™, can we talk about Tommy James, and how great every single one of his records is!? Also, what the fuck is a Shondell. That’s what I want to know. [BLEEP!]

M Greetings Rant Line™. This is concerning the FIGHT between students in the ESBM in RDP, which was all caught on cell phones, of course—nobody offered to lend a hand to this young man who was getting the piss kicked out of him. It’s disgusting, and as I sat watching it, I said to myself, it all comes from WWE. All of the behavior in this video you can see in WRESTLING. If this is the case, that people under 18 are going to be engaging in acts like this, then I don’t think they should be watching wrestling. Obviously, there is nobody in their life to tell them that it is wrestling—they think it is ok to act that way with another student in real life. Where is the parent to tell the kid what you’re doing is wrong? Wrestling is one thing, giving a SAVAGE BEATING to someone in the parking lot of a McDonald’s, you don’t do that. And the sad part is that nobody lifted a finger to help the victim, they all were standing filming. If this is the way the world is going forward, we’re all in big, big trouble. I couldn’t believe my eyes watching the poor young man getting the shit kicked out of him, and the people standing around like ZOMBIES filming it. Unbelievable. [BLEEP!]

F Yo, Rant Line™. Rant Liners™. What is up all the majority male Rant Line™ callers. Where are all the women? I’m sure women are ranting. Or are they? Are we ranting? Women! Come on! Get your rant on! Also, what is with the hetero-normative standard, in 2017, of identifying the gender in the first place. Please Rant Line™, please, can people just maybe decide their own pronouns? Like, hi, I’m so and so, this is my rant, I identify as non-binary, please put NB. Really, M or F—who are you to decide what our gender is based on the sound of our voices? It just feels really BACKWARDS. Or maybe just put H, or no gender at all. That would be kind of cool, a gender neutral rant line. I kind of don’t really care about someone’s gender, this is all about rants, right? Rants are genderless. Hopefully?… Maybe?… ahh maybe I’m just a naïve little PRINCESS. But the point is, please, please, more diverse representation of all the people. Oh god, you know you are ranting when you contradict yourself and realize it in the same breath, eh? Well I hope you all learned as much as I did. Have a good one. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F Hey Rant Line™, I just want to say that it is stupid to run for office in a secular society and make your whole existence and your whole platform basically “Hey take a look at my PINK TURBAN,” and then get mad when people ask you about your religion. I don’t get it. And all the Quebec bashing that is going on, “Oh Quebec is so racist because they are not into religious symbols,” I don’t get that either. It’s like the one thing that Quebec gets right—that and BEER and WINE in convenience stores. Those are the two things that Quebec gets absolutely right! If I ran for public office and I wore a BIG-ASS CROSS, people would ask me about my religion every day, and I’m so WHITE I glow in the dark. So you know, if you want to make something your identity and you want everyone to look at it, don’t get mad when they ask you questions. Jesus Christ. [BLEEP!]

F All this talk about women who wear the NIQAB in Quebec and how it is now illegal, don’t you idiots know that there are only 50 women in the province who wear it?! And that is a generous estimate. I have heard it is low as 10! This is a waste a time, a waste of money, a political appeal to the racist base… completely idiotic. It would be more productive to crack down on MAN BUNS or, I don’t know, SANDALS AND SOCKS or JEANS DOWN THE ASS CRACK, that would be more productive. [BLEEP!]

M This one is very close to my heart, it’s quite IMPORTANT. It’s about le bleu, blanc and rouge, les Canadiens de Montreal and how bad they SUCK right now. They are a pile of shit, dog doo crap. They’re awful. So my idea is, if Jeff Molson has any testicles in those EXPENSIVE PANTS that he wears, remove every Stanley Cup BANNER from the rafters, take them all away, because the Habs live way too much on past glories. If you are serious about winning another Stanley Cup, remove all the old banners. When they win it again, you can put them all back, including the new Stanley Cup banner. Because right now they stink—they are garbage. [BLEEP!]

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“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Three cheers for Quebec, our age to buy pot is going to be 18. At least we know and understand reality. In Ontario it’s going to be 19, isn’t that typical. What that means is there is going to be a shitload of 18-year-old ONTARIOARIANS coming to Montreal looking to buy weed and then wandering around our city stoned and clueless. This is something Ontario should think about—wouldn’t they rather have all those 18 year olds back in Ontario safe and sound, buying their pot at the LCBO and their chips and junk food and BIG GULPS at the 7/11? It doesn’t even make business sense. I hope some of these 18 year olds are HOT YOUNG FEMALE ONTARIOARIANS but I doubt it, it will be mainly greasy Ontario dudes. Man, someone should build a WALL. [BLEEP!]

M (with Scottish accent, presumably fake) Wot tae fuck? No more PIPER at Ogilvy’s! Ye bunch of wee cunts, ye need the pipes and the bag shoved up yer arses, along with the WEE KNIFE, 72 years and then some cunt decides to stop it, some cunt in a marketing suit, get tae fuck… bunch of cunts. [BLEEP!]

M Ok, I’m walking along St. Joseph and it’s rush hour, and I see on the other side of the street a PREGNANT WOMEN standing at the curb, and I think, wow, she is extremely pregnant, just about to POP, you know. And then out of nowhere I see this car swerve across two lanes, across the traffic, and screech to a stop in front of her. But the problem is, it is the bus land, and holy shit here comes the BUS! The bus slams on its brakes and sort of swerves and comes to a stop just in time. The woman jumps back, if the driver had a millisecond less reaction time the bus would have ploughed into the car, the car would have ploughed into the woman and bye bye baby and lady. So by now everyone has stopped to watch and the bus driver is honking his horn non-stop, his hand is on it blaring it, saying what the fuck, you fucking idiot! And when I look closer, what do I see on the car, what sticker, take a guess: Uber. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, this isn’t so much of a rant as an observation. I don’t think it’s cool how everything is POLITICIZED. I don’t think that entertainers, like music artists or athletes or actors, should be politicizing everything they do. You turn on the TV to watch sports or music awards for WATER COOLER talk, to talk about something we have in common. When people get PREACHY about every single topic, when we have to watch an entire ceremony dedicated to how EVIL TRUMP is, we no longer have anything in common, we’re all polarized on racial line or lines of gender or whatnot. It’s very silly because we just need something so we can sit down and experience ESCAPISM. That’s what entertainment is for. So if you are contributing to that culture of mixing entertainment and politics, please stop encouraging it. It’s not good for us. [BLEEP!]

M I don’t really follow politics too closely but I just heard that the NDP elected Jaggi Singh as its leader. I’m like, really? That’s a bit much isn’t it? Isn’t the guy a hardcore demonstrator… an activist, an anarchist? Are they sure about this? Do they really think he can beat Justin Trudeau, or anybody? But then I’m thinking, well maybe it’s kind of cool, like a Bernie Sanders for Canada, but more hardcore. So I mention this to my girlfriend and she goes, no, you idiot, they’ve chosen Jagmeet Singh. A totally different guy. So I’m sort of putting this out there as a public service, because I can’t be the only one—it’s Jagmeet, not Jaggi. Totally different Singh. [BLEEP!]

F Ok everybody, men, women, children, please get out and vote for Valerie Plante. She would be the first FEMALE MAYOR, and she would get rid of Coderre. Plante for mayor, get rid of Coderre! And besides that, she is kind of hot, in a politician kind of way. Hot in that she looks and sounds like she knows what she is doing. Hotter than Coderre, anyway. Plante for mayor, out with Coderre! [BLEEP!]

M Greetings Rant Line™, this rant is concerning all of the brouhaha over the national anthem and taking a knee. I think P.K. Subban is the biggest hypocrite in the history of professional sports. When the Habs were out of the playoffs, he was at allof the NBA games—so it’s ok then for him to cozy up to NBA stars and really TRUMP up his blackness, “I’m a black athlete, I’m hanging out in America.” But when he sees the NFL players taking a stance, he can not go in solidarity with them? What the heck is going on here? He’s kissing Gary Bettman on his BIG WHITE ASS. It’s ok for him sometimes to be down with the NBA but now when it really matters, when he can really put forth a strong opinion, he’s saying “No, no, I’m not gonna take one.” So P.K. Subban you’re a big hypocrite, I’m glad you don’t play for the Habs any more, we don’t need you. All you care about at the end of the day is P.K. Subban. [BLEEP!]

F Hello, this is a fucking rant about the fucking DOUGLAS which is the fucking shittiest institution I’ve ever been a part of. They’re keeping me a PRISONER here, they won’t let me go and find my own housing, they gave me a heart attack before my fucking COURT APPOINTMENT. McGill should be ashamed of themselves, they have no right to hire people who have no fucking degree to take care of sick people who have no fucking right in the city to do anything, like get an apartment, get a housing program. They have no fucking services and I’m sick of the Douglas Hospital. Thank you very much, goodbye! [BLEEP!]

F Hi, I’m really annoyed right now because my best friend just left me, and that’s the only friend I have! I’m alone in I’m in high school and I hate my life and I don’t understand why she had to leave me. It’s just because I like to read! What kind of person does that, I don’t understand. I may be a BOOKWORM but that doesn’t mean she has to be a BITCH and leave, like goddam. [BLEEP!]

M I think that since it’s October we need more CREEPY CLOWNS IN LAVAL stalking people at night and just scaring the shit out of them. Creepy people at night around parks. So when you are a little THUG smoking weed in the park and scaring people you see in the distance some creepy clown guy holding BALLOONS just staring at you. I personally would do it but I don’t have the monetary resources nor the time. Also, I’m not in shape at all. [BLEEP!]

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“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Hi. So my friend is drinking a BEER in front of some warehouse complex with another friend of mine and they’re just enjoying the day, a freezing cold summer’s day, and a cop comes along, drives up, and PINS my friend to the side of his car. A bunch of of other officers show up with their GUNS pulled. They think that he resembles an ARMED ROBBER. It turns out, of course, that after all this ordeal, he’s not the guy. So they give him back his beer, pat him on the shoulder, and say sorry, carry on. I don’t know what to make of this. Maybe this is normal procedure? I don’t think so. [BLEEP!]

M Ok, what’s up with cops SPEEDING up small one way streets in the Plateau, the WRONG WAY, doing like 120 in a 30km zone? I just saw one now. It’s the middle of the day. He was going so fast that when he went over the speed bumps he was TAKING AIR. And I see them all the time racing down Mount Royal at rush hour, the busiest part of the day, sirens blaring and lights flashing, going through red lights, swerving up the street. What reason could there possibly be? Is there a terrorist attack? Is City Hall on fire? Did someone try to ASSASSINATE the mayor? No. The one time I actually saw the cop reach his destination, it was just to arrest some homeless drunk who was kind of stumbling around and yelling at people passing by. Not a major security concern, not a serious danger, not a good reason for so much COP DRAMA. They don’t need to go all Hawai 5-0 just to arrest a drunk or some kid smoking a reefer. The police in this city, the ones working in the Plateau especially, are out of control. Someone needs to bring them back down to earth. [BLEEP!]

M Holy shit, I just heard the drummer from Lighthouse died. That’s too bad. But at least it was a SUNNY DAY. Get it? [BLEEP!]

F Hey, so I just heard that there was an accident at a DRAG RAING event, where they were racing trucks. A heavy truck drag racing show, it was called—personally I didn’t know that such a thing existed. But anyway, it was outside of Quebec City somewhere, I don’t know where, some small town where they closed off the street to race trucks. Now here’s the thing, a piece of the truck broke off and seven people were injured. I don’t want to say that anyone stupid enough to go to a heavy truck drag racing event probably deserves to get hit in the head with a FLYING MUFFLER or a fanbelt or whatever, but it got me to thinking—imagine if a similar thing had happened at that IDIOTIC RODEO. A bull gets loose and jumps into the stands and GORES a bunch of spectators foolish and mean enough to pay money to see animals being abused. Imagine that. Poetic justice, can anyone say? [BLEEP!]

M Greetings, this is a true Montreal story form the summer of 2017. The night of the Guns n’ Roses show I was strolling in the Concordia area—I’d rather do that than give my hard-earned cash to AXL ROSE. I’m strolling about and there’s a man and his wife at the corner of Guy and Ste. Catherine, playing this lovely Middle Eastern music. The man was singing, he is quite a talent, see them if you ever get a chance. So as I stop to listen to them, this sports car comes FLYING down the street so loud that the man was shocked. He stopped singing and playing, he was in shock. He looked up at me and I just exclaimed, “Ferrari.” And you know what he said, he said, “What a shit car.” That’s a true story from the summer of 2017. Later. [BLEEP!]

 M I’m glad there was a total solar eclipse over the United States, and no one had a clue of what it means. They were all rushing to like it was Independence Day, celebrating and thinking it’s like the greatest thing ever. But basically it’s the end of American civilization. North Korea’s got a HYDROGEN BOMB now, it’s no longer just the atomic bomb, they’re going to blow up the fucking country and it’s about fucking time. [BLEEP!]

M I’m making comments related to the nauseating and sickening developments down in Virginia with the white right racist posse that’s terrorizing everyone. Instead of removing the statues of Robert E. Lee or Thomas Jefferson we should build a statue of Donald Trump made out of TWIGS and MICE and DOGSHIT on a monumental scale unparalleled in the history of the united States of America. [BLEEP!]

F Hey Rant Line™ I was just noticing that a lot of people on social media, they’re out and about decrying racism. I think it’s great, but it’s really sad that it took fucking SWASTIKA FLAGS and a body count for people to finally say, “Hey, racism’s bad.” You know, I’ve been saying that shit for years! I’ve been saying it loud, calling it out, and it’s honestly the one thing that has ALIENATED the most people from my life. I can be a pretty big fucking bitch and that is the one thing right there that has caused this—not being a bitch but calling out racism and making friends and relatives uncomfortable. I just think it’s kind of crazy, right, and I think a lot about the people that I no longer talk to, friends, close friends, longtime friends who have stopped talking to me because I was saying Donald Trump was a Nazi. Well, you know, have you been watching the news this week, motherfuckers? Yeah? Fuck you! Bye. [BLEEP!]

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“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Ok, I had a dream that on a beautiful sunny day I strolled from the top of the mountain on a glorious and wonderful WALKWAY that the mayor had built for us for the city’s birthday. The walkway was gold—which made sense because it cost $50 million—and it was like a yellow brick road with flowers and dancing people in costumes and fountains that worked and there were no ORANGE CONES. And then at the end of the walkway I got onto a big FERRIS WHEEL that took me spinning into the air so I could look at the city and see all the people having the greatest birthday ever. But then a construction crew outside my apartment started digging and drilling and screaming and swearing and the dream shattered like broken glass. [BLEEP!]

F Last night I had a dream that I was fucking WAYLON JENNINGS and we were stranded in LAVAL after the last metro. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, I just wanted to get something off my chest. I hear complaints about the RODEO that we’ll be having at the end of the summer, and there are people protesting, and they are saying that it is bad for the animals, and that rodeo has nothing to do with Montreal. This is bullshit. Rodeo animals are some of the best cared for animals in the world, they cost a lot of money, tens of thousands of dollars, some of them. You think you are going to abuse an animal that costs that much money? No sir, you look after it like you would look after a luxury car or a YACHT. Next, people complain that this has nothing to do with Montreal, that there is no history of that in Montreal—well then you must have just got to Montreal, or been born yesterday. Montreal has always had a country and western aspect of the culture, right from the beginning. It comes from the people from all around Quebec who came to Montreal after growing up in rural areas listening to COUNTRY MUSIC, in French and English—there are many many French country singers—and going to country festivals and farm events and, yes, going to rodeos. The most famous one being St. Tite. So stop being narrow-minded and ignorant and complaining about things you don’t understand and take a chance and get out and go to the rodeo. You might even have some fun. [BLEEP!]  

M Greetings Rant Line™. This is concerning the prime minister Justin Trudeau appearing on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine. Now he can say, “Hey, I’m on the cover of a magazine that’s named after a group that my mom used to have SEX with on a regular basis after the concerts.” That’s something to aspire to, isn’t it. [BLEEP!]

M I read the rant about the need for PUBLIC TOILETS, and I agree, and wanted to add that supposedly there will be some new public toilets installed in the Villa Maria borough. But then I read that each toilet which the city will install will cost $300,00—which is more than the cost of the average condo on the island of Montreal! What the fuck? But then I thought about it some more and said, well it makes sense, because what will happen is you will have the homeless people sleeping drunk in the toilets in the night, in the winter, and the crack junkies using them in the day, year round, so actually a lot of people will get free shelter for their various uses. As for those us of who just want to take a piss—or god help you a shit—well I hope there is room for us to get in. And supposedly the toilets will be self-cleaning but I will have to see that to believe it. [BLEEP!]

F Hey Rant Line™ I was just pondering the BIG CRISIS in the world and it just dawned on me that James Comey is probably proportional. [BLEEP!]

F I remember coming to Montreal in the 90s and it was so VIBRANT, there were so many activities and it seemed like the city was so FREE. Now I don’t know what is going on. I don’t know what there is for a black woman in their late 40s to do in this city, that’s not necessarily intellectual, that’s more COMMUNAL. It seems kind of sad that the city has changed so much that if you’re not part of a family, your own immediate family, it seems like there’s no real activities, except if you want to DRINK or go to a porno or a STRIP BAR or something like that. I don’t know. Maybe my interests are very different from what people find exciting but feux d’artifices doesn’t seem that exciting to me. Going to La Ronde is not exciting to me anymore. What do people who don’t go to school do to socialize and meet other people? I don’t know. It’s kind of sad. That’s it. [BLEEP!]

M I hate to bitch and whine about the condition of the economy, and even though I’ve found that I’m living in my mother’s basement apartment, I think that she has to foreclose and we’re both going to be living in a SHOPPING CART pretty soon. You know, I once found five MECHOUI LAMBS once in a bin, and I’m not going to mention the name of the establishment that tossed them out, but they were frozen. I just didn’t have the room to carry them. I could go on about many kilos of burger and CHEESES, brie, camembert, I would find. And now, everywhere is as dry as a bone, as bereft as the Sahara. And what are you going to do? I don’t know. Spend $5 on a can of soup? But that’s my bitch, that’s my rant. God bless all those who are trying to survive and struggle through these difficult and depressing times. Thank you very much. [BLEEP!]

F Well the 375th birthday is going well, isn’t it? All we need now is a big announcement that at the end of the party we will be getting a TRUMP TOWER. [BLEEP!]

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