“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Yep, hi. If you look at the time, you can see it’s pretty late at night. I was sitting here watching Game of Thrones on my Galaxy tab, and I see something flashing on my wall, like a strobe light. FLASH, FLASH, FLASH. I was like, what the fuck is that, because I’m up on the 10^th floor. I thought maybe it was a SPY DRONE. But when I went and opened the curtains to look, instead I see a police car with its lights flashing. Not the old kind of lights, but these ultra-bright halogen flashing lights that were fucking blinding to look at even from 10 floors up and about two blocks away. Are these new? Because they’re pretty fucking obnoxious. Montreal police: even our cars are assholes. How’s that for a new slogan? [BLEEP!]

M Between the HIPSTERS who think they’re God’s gift to the world, and walk around like they own the place, and the HASIDS who think they’re God’s gift to the world and walk around like they own the place, the Mile End area has become unbearable. Although at least the Hasids aren’t wearing gay fucking running shoes and skinny jeans and ridiculous sunglasses. Seriously. What a lousy area to try to shop in. [BLEEP!]

M Sometimes I see things I like better than the things I’m supposed to be liking. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. I wanted to pass on some advice to the guy who talked about being DEMORALIZED by his JOB. The more I talk to people, the clearer it is that nobody is happy with their jobs, and most of the people doing the hiring are disgusting. What I do is I PRETEND. I go to work and I smile a lot, and I tell everyone that I’m great and that work is great and how nice everyone is. I do my job just enough without really working too hard, but talk about how great it is to be working there—which it isn’t. But my employers think I’m HAPPY, and so they like me and never second-guess me when I call in sick or have to leave early. And all the while I’m thinking to myself that they’re complete pieces of shit, and the first chance I get I will screw them over like there’s no tomorrow. So that’s what you need to do. LIE. It won’t make you like your job more, but it’ll make the bastards you work for happy enough not to notice that you’re not really working. Good luck! [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I don’t know how to tell that WORKER’S BLUES MAN this, but all jobs are shit. Needing money to have fun is not anything new. So unless you can MARRY RICH or inherit a lot of money, then you’re fucked. On the plus side, so is everyone else. It’s just that you seem to want to be a little whiny bitch about it. [BLEEP!]

F To the guy saying there is a lot in this city but you need a lot of money to do them—the best things in life are free! You have beautiful parks, there’s the ORATORY, the Old Port, St. Denis, St. Lawrence, you have lots of festivals that give you free shit, interesting newspapers, beautiful nature walks. It’s all free. It’s just a matter of not finding things boring. Maybe you are boring? [BLEEP!]

F Who was it that said “If you’re in ADVERTISING, kill yourself”? Because I am, and I think I might. [BLEEP!]

M Yes, I don’t want to get involved, really, with anyone else’s problem with NAKED NEIGHBOURS leaving their blinds up. But I very much do want to say thank you to the FIT SWEETIE across from me, because almost every night she comes strolling into her bedroom, drops her towel, and then spends about 10 minutes OILING her tits. Well, maybe it’s not 10 minutes, but it’s definitely long enough for me to get what I need out of it. So thank you. And maybe that woman complaining about the other guy could try to take advantage of seeing some free cock. One day we all get cut off. May as well look while you can. [BLEEP!]

F Yeah, a FABRIC ALLERGY? Really? Good excuse. It seems a lot more likely that he’d have a fabric allergy than just be the sort of person who gets off on the idea of everyone seeing his dick? God, you’re stupid. [BLEEP!]

F Hi, this isn’t really so much of a rant so much as a thought I had about all the LOST STUFF that people never see again. And how I wonder what happens next to it. Like, I lost a HAT today and went back to look for it, but it was just gone, and I wondered if it got picked up, or thrown out, or what happened to it. It’s a bit SAD to think someone might suddenly be loving something that someone else is sad to have lost. I had that had for years. It was my dad’s. Shit. I hope someone else picked it up and takes care of it. It was always a bit too big for me, Anyway, it’s sad. I’m a bit fucked up right now. Not because of the hat, or anything. Just because it’s Saturday. Anyway, if you found a hat, sort of floppy-brimmed brown hat, let me know. Sometimes people put things they find on parking meters so the person who lost it might see it if they come back that way. That didn’t happen with my hat. I’m rambling. Sorry. Bye [BLEEP!]

M I’m sorry for sort of talking low, but I’m sitting on a TOILET in a restaurant men’s room having a dump. And that sets the scene for you. But to my right, that’s where someone wrote I LOVE ROCK SOLID COCK on the wall. And this isn’t even a shitty restaurant, either. It’s fancy. Not fancy-fancy, but fancy for an Italian bistro type place. Not cheap. So I’m now wondering, did some guy, while taking a shit like I am still trying to do think, “I must tell someone I love cock or I’ll explode.” And then he wrote it down like it was that lame secrets web site and suddenly he felt LIBERATED? I just don’t get it. Okay… I need both hands now. Gotta go. Bye. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M People are still arguing about the Expos in this city? When I moved here, they warned me Montrealers were kings of holding a GRUDGE, but seriously. Baseball? Like, does anyone under 50 who isn’t an American or a JAPANESE SCHOOL BOY even give a shit about baseball anymore? Please don’t answer. I do not want to know. [BLEEP!]

M Hey guys, I’m the one who pointed out that hypocrisy—or maybe just utter stupidity—of people who wear Expos shirts and hats and stuff. Anyway, thanks to Angry Asshole Number One for calling in to rebut my arguments by making no sense whatsoever, and instead just saying that I must be longing for ANAL SEX. Yes. Good job being a complete homophobe, sports fan. Likely you are not one of the young guys who wears Expos gear, but one of the late-middle-aged sad-sacks who dream of the days when you could still get an ERECTION and you weren’t a just pot-bellied slob with no baseball team to make your pointless life feel worthwhile. Anyway, if you don’t understand how paying the MLB for a shirt representing a club that the MLB destroyed is a bit stupid, then it’s because you’re a lot stupid. [BLEEP!]

M I’ve got a rant to leave.  I find it unfair that some of these LAPTOP KARAOKE DJs can go around to 20 different bars in one night and sell their show for so cheap. It screws it for the rest of us. Like this Schwing guy. It is not fair to the rest of the people out there who actually paid for their karaoke songs, while these guys download stuff. Not cool. [BLEEP!]

F About karaoke. I don’t get it. Why would I want to hear other people sing, when most of them sing BAD? And the food is crap, and the booze that you have to buy—to sit there and listen to THEM? At least now I know why we have to pay exorbitant prices to listen to professional singers. [BLEEP!]

F How do I seriously just hear for the first time and then immediately fall in love with Death Vessel like, literally, in the middle of their Montreal show? Fuck my life. [BLEEP!]

F Hey this is to give a shoutout to crew from Sauvons le Plateau. They’re trying to shut down Les Bobards for noise complaints. Shutting down all the music of a place that has been a Montreal institution for musicians for 20 plus years. I am tired of all this gentrification bullshit. We’re not going to BULLDOZE down St-Laurent Boulevard to build condos. Thank you. Bye bye. [BLEEP!]

M Greetings Rant Line™. On the eve of this next ELECTION, I just had a few musings. You know what, I am an Anglophone living in Quebec all my life and I really liked the PQ a lot better when they were in third place and their leader was a GAY COKEHEAD. Now, they are beginning to make me feel very anxious and uncomfortable. Well you know what I have to say? Pauline, go fuck yourself, you fucking bitch. Go fuck yourself. That is all I have to say today. When I have more, I will share it with you Rant Line™. Cheers. [BLEEP!]

M [same guy, a few days later] Greetings Rant Line. Salut Pauline… [deep sigh]. [BLEEP!]

M Why does it seem like every year, I’ve got to work late into the night drawing up VENN DIAGRAMS of worse and worse political candidates in order to figure out who to vote for in yet another election? I’m so done with it all. Last time, you hear me? After this, I don’t want to know who’s running, and I don’t want to know who wins. Because either way, it isn’t us. [BLEEP!]

M Okay, so  listen up, VIRGIN EYES. Ease up on the hate. Guy wants to walk naked in his apartment, let him. There are plenty—and I mean plenty— of women who strut naked around their apartments, so don’t go man-bashing. And there are a lot of women who strut around all summer with their TITS AND BITS out, but I don’t see any dudes wearing shorter and shorter pants so the tips of their DICKS stick out. Maybe he has a FABRIC ALLERGY. Maybe he doesn’t know anyone can see. But don’t jump straight to hating on every man alive. Bad business. Thanks. I knew I could get that out. [BLEEP!]

F About the GIANT in the apartment who is also walking around nude and the lady can seem him. There’s a lot of men, I don’t know what they think when they look in the mirror. Bald, glasses false teeth, fat. And they want Mrs. America? Hello? [BLEEP!]

M I’m not even sure where to fucking begin. I moved to this city two months ago from Sherbrooke. I fucking love it and I hate it. There is so much fucking shit going on but you need to have money to do that shit. And the only way to get your fucking money is you have to get a fucking stupid job that makes you feel like an ANSWERING MACHINE, and I got fired from that motherfucker. It’s a mixed blessing because now I am fucking broke, jobless and fucking overqualified, man. So much good shit going on but how the fuck can you enjoy it if there’s no fucking time to do it? Because at the end of the day you come back from a fucking job that rips out your SOUL and all your desires and wants and needs, so that you just feel like a fucking machine. You might as well be living in Toronto. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M If I want to wear an Expos cap or an Expos jacket I am bloody well going to! I don’t give a fuck if you think there is ZERO COOL or HIP about wearing Expos clothes. Your little monkey ass probably wasn’t alive when there was still a baseball team! So listen you little hip cool kid—you think you are a baseball expert? If I want to wear the shit I am going to wear the shit! And you are the complete loser and I think you have a little problem with your desire for an ass-fucking! You fucking hit it out of the park? You didn’t even hit the ball, you little punk. Fucking yuppie. [BLEEP!]

M I think if you’re singing KARAOKE, live band or no, your glory isn’t being undermined by a guy sitting on the stage while you sing. It’s being undermined by your lame gayness. Just my two cents. [BLEEP!]

F This is to say that the Montreal police are racist and assholes. So last night after seeing a show I am sitting in my friend’s car after in front of my apartment, and he happens to be MALE and BLACK. And we are talking in the car before saying good night. We’re not smoking any DOPE or anything, we’re just chilling in the car. And these cops pull up and roll down their window and flash a huge fucking FLASHLIGHT right in his face and ask him how he’s doing, and he says he’s fine, and then they drive off. Five minutes later another cop car pulls up, they tell him to get out of the car, saying there has been a robbery in the neighbourhood. They start asking him questions about the robbery, trying to make it look like they are not racially profiling. The problem is my friend, and my other black male friends of mine, tell me that this type of shit happens to them all the time. They get pulled over and stopped for bullshit and asked for ID and the cops make up lies to SPY on them. It’s like some kind of apartheid bullshit or something. I am WHITE and FEMALE so I don’t know what it’s like for you guys, but I can’t believe what you have to put up with. Racist Montreal police, leave black people alone. [BLEEP!]

F Going to rent a movie was a nightmare. It’d take so long to finally decide on a movie that you never felt like watching it by the time you got home. Then you’d keep the movie for like two weeks and then have to pay, like, a whole DVD’s worth of money in late fees when you finally went back to return it and rent another movie. If you say you miss going to rent movies, you don’t miss that. What you’re missing is the lie you tell yourself. About how awesome it was. [BLEEP!]

M This is for the DVD rental lamenter. I understand where you are coming from. But if going to the video store once a week for five minutes was your feeling-like-part-of-your-community moment, I strongly suggest this thing to you called CHURCH. Whatever your denomination, services are offered pretty much daily, and people go. Even if you don’t believe in god, you can see some friendly people and feel like you belong to something. As for the video store, other than the shifty routine of avoiding eye contact in the PORNO SECTION, I never really felt I was part of anything. [BLEEP!]

M I really like Jesus. [BLEEP!]

M What’s up? I was walking in the cold today with my head down and my face all squinted and grimacing and my eyes watering, and I looked up at some point, and what the fuck do you think I see? CHEAP THRILLS. Cheap. Motherfucking, Thrills. The used records and books store. Is that place still goddam open? I haven’t been there in so long I forgot it even existed, until I seen it there looking like when I last went. It does my heart good if that place is still open. [BLEEP!]

F There’s something pointless going on in that area around Place-des-Arts again, and it’s gotten so that even the people working at these things realize it’s too much now.  Seriously, Montreal, when you’re pulling FESTIVALS out of your ass just to have a reason to put up UGLY LIGHTS and sell BAD BEER, it’s time to rethink your identity. Thanks for hearing me out. [BLEEP!]

M Yes, this is to my soul-mate, the sexy/crazy darling who wishes she can surgically remove people’s ignorance and greed. My beautiful sexy, there is good news and that is that you can! All you need is a SCALPEL or other fine, sharp tool, and you can surgically remove so many things from these pigs. We need people like you. Stalk me on the cobble-stoned streets of London and CASTRATE my loving corpse. [BLEEP!]

F There’s seriously a GIANT in the apartment across the alley from me and he’s always walking around with his hairy ass and dick out, and it makes me throw up to the point I won’t even open the curtains on that side of my apartment anymore. Why are guys so VULGAR? [BLEEP!]

M Yes Rant Line™, hello. I would like to know your Pinterest page please so I can pin up some pictorial Montreal hates of mine for your publication of them. [BLEEP!]

F The energy has no strings to tie it. You face the energy and it runs wild with your thoughts. It speeds to the end of the universe, a GREEN FIELD OF GAS where there are things you could never imagine awaiting your presence with a TALL DRINK and the answers to why you had to die. But the answer is always that you didn’t, and you’re sent back but quickly forget. Stay with me for these voyages. Stay with me for these journeys. We have not given ourselves—over and over and in every way—only to be turned back with nothing. Even emptiness needs a vessel to contain it. And that vessel is beautiful. Come. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M I can’t take this anymore. Every time I turn on the TV I see this little asshole Justin Bieber. He’s throwing EGGS at his neighbours. He’s pissing in restaurant BUCKETS. He’s racing, he’s speeding, he’s getting caught doing all kinds of crap. Can’t this guy just OD on something? Heroin? Can’t he do something that kills him! Hopefully he’ll join the 27 List, all the famous people who died at age 27. But that means I gotta wait seven more years! And United States, please do not deport him back to Canada. I don’t want to see him here! Keep him! We don’t want him! He’s ugly, his music stinks, he’s crappy. I am going to go crazy if I see him again. Save me. Save me from Justin Bieber. Please! [BLEEP!]

M This Justin Bieber dick, is he for real? Or is this another Miley Cyrus thing, where he wants to get rid of his clean-cut, teeny-bopper image and be all serious gangsta? I think there’s some sort of image consultant in LA who tells these young Disney stars, like, “You can’t make money off the goody-two-shoes child star thing any more. Time to make sure people know that you get DRUNK and HIGH and like to FUCK all the time so that the 20-somethings will dig you.” It would not surprise me if such a PR management firm offered such advice, and then these assholes bought into it. Whatever. Someone should set these idiots on FIRE. [BLEEP!]

F One of the best things we have in this town is called UROCKAOKE, where you get to sing karaoke with a live band. So that happened tonight and it is amazing! The musicians are so talented, they make you feel like a ROCK STAR. But you have to remember that there is karaoke ETIQUETTE. If you go to Urockaoke and are allowed to feel like a rock star, you don’t sit on the front of the stage the whole night acting like you are part of somebody else’s show! You let that person have their own GLORY. That is part of the courtesy. You don’t fucking stay onstage after your song and say I am going to sing the next song and then shamelessly, because you sucked, get sort of SHY and then leave, because you realize it is the next person’s song! There are a few things that karaoke people need to realize! But all I know is that Urockaoke is the shit. [BLEEP!]

M Hahaha! Bell is in trouble again for SPYING on its clients by TRACKING EVERYTHING they do on-line, what they watch on TV and even where they go and who they phone. I hope they get fined out of existence. [BLEEP!]

M Hello. I swear I saw Homer Simpson driving a bus today. A Montreal public bus. Homer Simpson. Oh my god. What is happening? [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, is there some sort of WINTER FROSH happening? Used to be I’d see the drunk failures of tomorrow only puking in the streets and flashing their titties in the late summer, but now I’m seeing them in the dead of winter, too. I prefer the summer froshers, but that’s only because I’m a window-sitting chronic masturbator, and loose, sweaty titties work better for me that PARKA-BUNDELED, frozen solid ones. But when did this Winter Frosh thing become a thing, and maybe it can be stopped? Without the teen-flesh on parade, it’s really just a gathering of IMBECILES. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, hi. I was just in Toronto, and I’m sorry, but what the fuck is it with Montreal? We’re so much better then they are, and they have the very fat crack-smoking mayor running their town, and yet somehow we’re the ones with COLLAPSING BRIDGES and CRUMBLING STREETS? Like, seriously, is it because Quebec just wants the Anglos to leave, so they’re letting the island of Montreal fall apart so we all either get killed or run away? Because there is no way Toronto should come off as having it more together than we do, but, I’m sorry, that’s exactly what it seems like. [BLEEP!]

M It’s maybe time to take off the EXPOS SHIT—the Expos caps and stupid Expos jackets—and move the fuck on with your lives. There is absolutely ZERO cool or hip about wearing Expos clothes and hats. It’s just sad. And I do not mean sad as in depressing because the Expos are gone. I mean sad as in you’re really just pathetic. I think the MLB has made more money off of Expos shit since the team got run out of town than they ever did while it was here. And you know what’s even more ironic is that the MLB is in part responsible for them leaving. So every time you buy something with an Expos logo on it, you’re not only saying, “I’m a complete loser,” you’re also saying “Thanks for the ass-fucking, master. Please punish my ass some more.” How’s that for hitting one out of the park? [BLEEP!]

F You know what I miss? It’s going to sound stupid, but I miss DVD RENTALS. I know, I know, you can download everything in about five minutes and you can BUY DVDs for about five bucks now, but I miss the ceremony. Going to the place, walking around, talking about what might be good, maybe buying some popcorn of chocolate, or TWIZZLERS, checking out the used discs for sale. All that. It’s like everything just shoves us all further and further apart, so we sit alone in our houses, never seeing the people or things going on around us. That’s the problem with NetFlix and whatever. It’s a lonely way to get your movies. Just wanted to share all that with you. You’re welcome for it. [BLEEP!]

F I wish I could give the world, especially the western world, the gift of surgically removing their deeply embedded ignorance. Materialism, Wall Street scandals, environmental destruction, wipespread nepotism, bigotry and misogyny. Sorry to be a buzzkill. Just kidding. The only thing I am sorry for is indirectly contributing to the irreparable state of affairs. I suppose no one can proactively work to heal the state of the world until the POLAR ICE CAPS melt, as scientifically predicted, and we are living out the day after tomorrow. It is certainly time to celebrate one of the last years we might ever experience. This is the real countdown. This is our scared fear of change. This is and always has been our reality. Get educated. Love, Elizabeth. [BLEEP!]

M I also miss the Unicorn Lady. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Yo Arcade Fire. Your first album dropped in 2004. I mentioned your name recently, to a local bartender. He’s been working in bars all his life and he still hasn’t heard of you. So nine years later and regular JOE BLOW on the street still hasn’t heard of Arcade Fire—I think you’re doing something wrong! Nine years in Montreal, you should be a household name. And that track “Reflektor”— it’s crap! It’s got Haitian guitar, it’s got FRENCH in it—the chick is singing in French!—and the song is disco. Come on. I expect more from you guys than this. This is bollocks, total bollocks. Disco sucks, don’t forget that. [BLEEP!]

M Went to the Wu Tang Clan show last night. Organizers, note this. Coat check in winter—fuck you! Security walkthrough—fuck you! Once again, not the whole Clan was there. Missing RZA, Method, Masta Killa. Respect to the guys who made it. GZA seemed pretty fucking DRUNK. It was good to see Inspectah Deck, that was nice, that he finally made it up. But once again organizers, look on YouTube, check out the Ottawa Blues Festival and the Quebec Festival, Plains of Abraham. Motherfuckers were all there, it’s all outside and there wasn’t no fucking airport security check, that was the stupidest shit. Any which old ways, Wu Tang Clan still ain’t nothing to fuck with. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. I’m that guy busking in front at Jean Talon market with his CAT. And I noticed URBAN OUTFITTER put me on INSTACRAP. Apparently it made a buzz. I’m glad for you, Chinese exploiter’s fashion joke, for the publicity, but when am I getting PAID? [BLEEP!]

F Does anybody at all know anybody who got a job through LinkedIn? If so, please let us all know, because I have zero hope right now. [BLEEP!]

M Buenos dias. I just wanted to let you know about something I’ve noticed recently. How come downtown, in the magazine shops, all along Ste-Catherine street, the guys who work there have the best taste in music ever? Every time I’m in a magazine shop browsing around, usually looking at SOCCER or music magazines, they’re playing the best music I’ve heard in my life, or things I have never even heard before. For example, last night I was in the magazine shop on Stanley and Ste-Catherine, the guy was playing “Train Kept a Rollin’” by this band from Spain, or Mexico. It was in Spanish, the guy was singing in Spanish. It was incredible. The drums were so, ummm, ABRASIVE and dirty. What a great sound, man. Then they played “Love Me Two Times,” in Spanish. Unfrigging believable, I loved it. These guys, these CLERKS, have the best taste. Cheers guys! [BLEEP!]

F Help me, my boyfriend is SNUGGLING me too hard! [BLEEP!]

M Yes, I went shopping today to make a SANDWICH and I paid $20 for a loaf of bread, mustard, mayonnaise, a head of lettuce, some cheese and some ham. I was so overwhelmed by the EXORBITANT COST that I needed to go get a DRINK just to get over the shock. And what do you know, it’s a KING’S RANSOM just to have something that makes you feel good after all this. I just wonder when all these monopolies will be dismantled and we’ll have free enterprise where we can get cheap booze, to keep us warm through the winter. Let’s not forget that the Russians invented vodka for a very good reason. So anyway, this is my lament. How the robber barons are thieving us dry. Goodbye. [BLEEP!]

F Where can I get a Christmas tree big enough to HANG myself on? [BLEEP!]

M This is to the dude asking about the dude who got dropped on by a BRICK WALL. He worked at the dep on Prince-Arthur and Jeanne-Mance. Good guy, but maybe a bit touched. Jimmy. Anyway, the people who own the place say he’s back home and still recovering, but they aren’t really ones for speaking any language I know, so communicating with them isn’t all that easy to do. If anyone speaks a bit of Asian and wants to swing by there for more info and pass it on over here, that’d be great. It’s a good question, though. Why don’t the news people follow up on what happens next. Like, AFTER the bricks get cleared off a guy. Guess they assume nobody gives much of a crap. But we do. [BLEEP!]

M Yessir, I wanted to talk to you a minute about Craigslist. Why is there nothing on it anymore? Everything is on Kijiji and Craigslist ain’t got nothing. I like Craigslist better, though, because it’s straight up. Kijiji looks like a drink with an UMBRELLA in it, you know? All decorated, but it’s sort of gay shit. Craigslist is, like—whomp—here’s what I got. Used to be you could get a hooker there, too. World always changes for the worse. [BLEEP!]

F I don’t get it. Are the French drug dealers the good guys in that story? And how many black guys were there trying to rob the four of you? Did they want your drugs? And why would I go buy drugs there if it isn’t safe? Also, you’re saying you happened to be walking by and then happened to see your boyfriend? Where was he going? Something doesn’t add up. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, I can leave a fucking DIGITAL RANT? Fuck that, all this digital shit! I’m having a bitch of a time with this stupid fucking computer update. How do all these fucking people know how to update all this shit? I should have paid more attention in computer class or fucking met up and got married to some fucking beautiful hot computer geek girl. Fuck, instead I got to whip my ass to get all this shit into shape. All these stupid fucking updates and installs and accesses and then these fucking apps! Man, fuck this shit is tiring!! I fucking hope it all gets blown to hell and everyone gets fucked up because of it. Fuck this shit. Fuck. [BLEEP!]

M So long, booty shorts. Hello, shitty fucking winter. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)

“edited” by AL SOUTH

ON THE STREETS IN CultMTL!

M Greetings Rant Line™. I am as big a fan of Arcade Fire as anybody. I’m proud of what they have achieved in their short existence. It’s CIVIC PRIDE—I’m from here, they started out from here. And I want to see them get airplay, of course. But CHOM FM is called Montreal’s home of rock ‘n’ roll. The new Arcade Fire track “Reflektor,” that’s not rock ‘n’ roll by any shot! That’s PURE DISCO. I actually enjoy the tune, but CHOM playing it? Hypocrisy! Come on CHOM, I expect more. Put some more Bon Scott, eh. Some Led Zepplin, some Floyd, some Rush. Put some Arcade Fire even. But don’t put the new song and call it Montreal’s home of rock. Pure disco. It’s in the same league as U2 doing “Discotheque.” Same thing, different band. Ciao. [BLEEP!]

F Is it just me or does it really look like these election posters for Project Montreal basically all show someone who either looks like they work in a truck-stop diner or are some sort of CARNIVAL HYPNOTIST? Take a closer look when you see one and tell me what you think. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, I just was calling to remind everyone to get their vote out. The municipal elections—these are the big ones. Don’t ignore your CIVIC DUTY. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, remember that dude a year or so ago that crushed by that fucking WALL falling off a building on Bleury? What the fuck ever happened to that guy? I hope he got himself a HUNGRY LAWYER to rip some coin off the SLUMLORD PRICKS who let their building’s walls rot off. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, I’m calling from the Banana Republic of Montreal traffic coordination, the largest legally sanctioned band of PIRATES ever puked up out of the cornucopia of the bizarre. I was exposed to this experience last week when my sister came to visit me from New York. We went to find a nice restaurant on Duluth street and we parked beside this AMBIGUOUS PARKING SIGN that was rusted beyond the point of legibility. In French, of course, which is great, but at the same time we could hardly make out what the rules were regarding our parking spot. To be on the safe side, my sister took a picture of the sign. Lo and behold, we come back 45 minutes later and there’s a $60 ticket for having parked six inches in front of the post. For me this is an aggravation, and this is why I don’t drive anymore. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

F There’s this article on this site called Tribe and it’s about Montreal being a city of CON ARTISTS. And after reading it, I think it’s kind of true. I’m new, I’m not from here, I’m from California. And I did go on a date with a guy here in Montreal who asked me for MONEY. It’s like, Montreal is a city for women, except for the lack-of-jobs issue. People here in Montreal have to con there way through every day to make a buck! Especially when they can’t find the free stuff. After reading that article, I’m actually considering, do I want to be here in Montreal? Do I want to stay? Maybe I should move back to California? Or even the East Coast? I don’t know. I guess anywhere you go in the world there is going to be some issue? [BLEEP!]

M Who in his right mind is paying money to stick a dick in those scagged-out WRETCHES in the East-End? I’d be fucking terrified to catch something from just handing the person money with my bare hand. But there are guys pulling up and saying, “Yes, you’re attractive enough for me to want to put my most PRIZED BODY PART in. Let me pay you for that.” Is it merely a matter of cost? Or is it because there are things that are broken in their minds and body? I’m sure they would love to have someone who would want to fuck them for free, just so they feel like a real person again. It’s depressing to me. So sad, really. [BLEEP!]

M I CAN’T TAKE IT ANY MORE. [BLEEP!]

M This probably won’t get published but I gotta relate to somebody here about what I see today. People PLUGGING their ears and talking to themselves on fancy machines, then going home and crying themselves to sleep. I mean, everyone I know is living alone. Alone, alone. And pretending like they don’t need anyone. I’m thinking of building a whole new city, a whole new community. Like a KIBBUTZ, perhaps. Where all these people who are crying themselves to sleep, myself included, can do something intra-communal rather than—holy fuck—alienation. I don’t know. Maybe I should go back to school and end up owing $50000? Who knows what the solution is. I don’t care if this is published. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

F Ok now, so I was at Snowdon metro station the other day. Just sort of chilling, I’d been to some Indian restaurant. So I’m walking and I see my boyfriend and we start chilling at the metro, it’s around 9:30 at night. And we see these TWO FRENCH GUYS and they come up to us and they’re like, “Hey you want to buy some drugs?” And we’re like, “Yea for sure we’ll buy some drugs!” And we’re making our little DEALIE thing and then these BLACK GUYS come beside us, and they’re just staring at us. For like five minutes they’re just staring at us. And we’re like, what the fuck’s going on? They come up to us and like, “Hey, do you have drugs?” and we’re like, “Yea for sure” and, you know, they seemed pretty SKETCH, man. And so while we were trying to make a deal with these kids, well, yeah they tried to rob us. So this is what Montreal is turning out to be like? But it’s cool. And anyway if you need drugs, Snowdon metro seems to be the HOOKUP. All right I’ll call back another time. Take it easy. Peace. [BLEEP!]

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“edited” by AL SOUTH

F My God. I just walked down St Laurent and it’s like a giant, radioactive monster ate three FRIPPERIES and a bag of HAIR CLIPPINGS and shit hipsters all over the place. Just stop. Please. You’re embarrassing yourselves. [BLEEP!]

M I don’t know why Arcade Fire was so worried about having people who look good in their video. Every time I meet an Arcade Fire fan they’re overweight, or UNDERCLEAN. Open the doors to the people. If people aren’t beautiful enough to be shown enjoying your music, maybe your snobby shit isn’t beautiful enough to be music. Beautiful music doesn’t need MODELS to make it sound good. [BLEEP!]

M You know something? Fucking Toronto stole our Film Fest, and they stole our economy, and they didn’t steal our baseball team, but they at least still have one. And I think their hockey team is better than ours, or at least are shitty on a higher level, but fuck them. And you know why? Because they can’t fucking touch our music scene! When it’s music, we’re right there doing it right, you know. Pop Montreal or whatever. Makes me proud and makes me hate Toronto even harder. Am I right? I send my hate on a boat down the 401, bitch! [BLEEP!]

F [partially translated from the French by the Rant Line Translation Unit™]. Bonsoir, I went to Pop Montréal au Club Lambi pour voir un SUPER BON SHOW de Odonis Odonis notamment. And they charged me $6 a beer! J’étais un p’tit peu desolée. I talked to the proprietaire and asked for an explanation. He said it was le prix du marché. But then when I went au toillete they didn’t have PAPIER or SAVON DU MAIN. I would just like to say that Club Lambi should not be on the circuit de Pop Montréal! [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, so like every time I step out of my door there is a half-smoked joint and a PUFF of smoke of weed there. I’m ALLERGIC to that shit. I know you don’t care about that shit because you all smoke weed everywhere you go but… fuck. [BLEEP!]

M I got a rant for all the hardcore GYM DINKS. I’m not talking about people who just go to the gym—I go to the gym. And I’m not talking bout the jocks, either. I mean you can be a jock and never go to the gym—I’ve seen some pretty fat out-of-shape jocks in my life. I’m talking about the dorky dudes who try to get buff because they think MEAN + BUFF = A VAGINA. They can’t get laid and they think this is what girls want—a big hulking guy. But you know, you can’t work out UGLY, and you definitely can’t work out CHARMLESS. You can be ugly and have charm, you can be fat and get laid all the time. But you can’t be a charmless loser and get anywhere. The other thing about these people is they all have the same attitude. “You want to fuck with me??” Actually, anybody could fuck with you! Just because you have MUSCLES doesn’t mean you know how to use them. All you did was build them! Anybody could still take a dink like you down, probably with a CLOTHESLINE. I am just saying—stop juicing, stop pumping, start smiling. Say hi to somebody once in a while instead of working yourself into a big BALLOON MAN who nobody is going to be afraid of anyway, much less want to fuck. I don’t own a vagina, but I’ve been around enough of them to know this is good advice. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, does anyone know what the actual LAW is on putting SURVEILLANCE CAMERAS in your apartment building hallways? I mean, pointed right on your doors? Because some just went up in mine, and I’m pretty creeped about the slimy weirdo security guy sitting there with his hand in his PANTS waiting to stare down my TOP as I go in and out of my apartment. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

F Hey Rant Line™. I don’t know if you can even answer this. Or even if you answer things, or just put in the questions. But do you know if that Unicorn Lady is okay? She used to call and talk about glittering things and psychic stuff—I can’t recall exactly what right now—but I haven’t seen her calling lately and she sometimes sounded a little maybe CLOSE TO THE EDGE. I know it’s weird to worry about her, but I guess I just am wondering. Anyway, if you know, I’d like to hear. [BLEEP!]

M Howdy folks. I am an octogenarian, a man of 82 years old, and I am getting off reading the Rant Line™. I wanted to reiterate one single observation. Over the 60 years that I have been hanging out like an OLD HIPPIE, almost dead, I cannot help but recall one of the one night stands I had oh so many years ago, when I was nothing but a YOUNG PUPPY. This one night stand occurred when I was living next door to a FAT MAN who was crying because he was listening to me banging my chick. And he wept so hard and for so long that I felt I should go hang myself out of guilt because I couldn’t help him get laid. So I went across the street and started tying the rope. Comes along a little young hussy and she asks me what I am doing killing myself. I said I feel guilty about that fat man weeping because he ain’t getting laid. She said, get off your TREE, take that NOOSE off your neck and let’s go fuck! So we went to a construction site where the rocks were very sharp. It lasted quite a while and it was very, very, very entertaining. So I keep seeing all these reoccurrences going on here—must be like the migratory birds from some prehistoric time. So thank you Montreal for your kindness in this regard. Take care. Bye bye. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)

“edited” by AL SOUTH

F To the people complaining that they couldn’t get into the Arcade Fire show and that the band is elitist and SNOBBY—they were shooting a video! They wanted people who looked good! [BLEEP!]

M If Montreal is a city full of hipsters and Pop Montreal is the hippest thing that happens all year, does that mean we are now at the apex of hipsterism? Or is there another time and place that is more hip? Just wondering. [BLEEP!]

F Hey motherfucker who stole the LONGBOARD off of the stoop underneath the white deck. Yeah you, you motherfucker. Now I owe my friend a goddamned new longboard before I even got to use it. I just got back into this city and I forgot that you have to tie down every fucking thing. Thanks for the fucking reminder. I didn’t even get to use it tonight! And it’s my fucking birthday! [BLEEP]

F I am the only one who finds it extremely weird and disconcerting that the new STM police tagline is about CONTROL. I mean wow, sounds like a fucking thing out of Big Brother—Orson Welles kind of shit. I mean, George Orwell. Like wow, control. It couldn’t have been protection, safety? We couldn’t do that? We couldn’t use safe words? We had to use words that were obviously meant to SCARE us? I just find that dumb. Ciao. [BLEEP!]

M Hey hey hey CATS. Congratulations on all your summer FASHION CHOICES. Of course, the short shorts. As well as the butt-hanging cheek, which has been the subject of much debate. But let’s not forget some of the other champions of style out there. Notably those who have adopted pirate cool, especially the dudes. And an extra huge shoutout to t-shirts that say what you think you are or what you are thinking. Like SLAG, or “Shut Up I Am Not Talking To You.” These are brilliant combinations of expression through fashion. Though still loving NEON BRAS under white t-shirts, still love it. Keep it up. Merci Quebec. [BLEEP!]

M Hello Rant Line™. Just wanted to let you know that my balls are still itchy. They’ve been itching since 1986. [BLEEP!]

F Hi, me and my BFF Shani are IN YOU, Montreal, and we are straight-on Montreal DRUNK. We asked this guy where we can call to say how great Montreal is, and he gave us this number, so, like, if this is a private residence, please never mind and we’re sorry. But otherwise WE FUCKING LOVE MONTREAL! It’s Alissa, and we fucking love you! WOOOO! [laughter, three minutes of unintelligible background noise when she forgets to hang up] [BLEEP!]

M Yeah. I’m looking at Twitter because I’m home at two in the morning on a Saturday night because I’m fucking LAZY, and there’s this bitch @[redacted] talking to this dick @[redacted], who is her boyfriend, from what I can gather. But he lives in Scotland, and she’s here in Montreal. And they’re twittering each other back and forth and she’s going on about how wasted she’s getting at fucking Tokyo, and talking about how many guys are hitting on her and how she’d like to fuck right now. And this dick in Scotland is all, “Oh, you’re gonna get raped,” and then she’s like, “Oh, I’m meeting all these cute guys.” This is so fucked because, first of all, bitch, I now know where you are, I have seen the pictures you sent of your drunk ass slutting it up and now I could come score some easy pussy if I weren’t so lazy. But also it is fucked because he is getting fucking angrier and angrier—you can tell from his tweets—because his woman is drunk and talking about all these dudes being all over her. He needs to cut this trainwreck bitch loose, because she’s what we call in the biz a cock-hopper. And that’s your Twitter report for tonight. [burps] [BLEEP!]

M Every time I try and FAP to the Miley Cyrus twerk video, I lose my throb. Just straight BEEYOOOOP limp. Do you think I’m gay? [BLEEP!]

M You’re going home with your groceries and your wife is a lot of fun, from what I can tell, but my wife is pregnant right now. She’s all big in the middle now. It was immaculate conception. Can you believe that? It’s different from fucking because the man doesn’t have anything with his body in the woman and the woman doesn’t either. I’ve had six already like that. Bin Laden was one of them, and then he had a child from immaculate conception, too. It dropped right out his RECTUM. And Jesus knows me. You have to separate the good from the bad, and Jesus is all good. He’s a good guy. I’ve known Him since high school, from about twelve to about 20, in the 70s when we both had LONG HAIR, and everyone else did, too. Can you believe that? I want the two churches here, in Milton Park and the area there, to know that somebody is listening. Jesus talks to me a lot. I go to sleep at night and He’s right there, and then I wake up at six o’clock in the morning and wham! He’s right there and just starts talking to me right away. He never stops. Maybe you have that, too? Anyway, you should get going. Thanks for talking. I’ll maybe see you around. And you have to forget about the heroin. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)

“edited” by AL SOUTH

ON THE STREETS IN CultMTL

F R-A-M-O-N-E-S, R-A-M-O-N-E-S, RAMONES! Fuck yourself. [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™, I just want to say I had a good time at Just for Laughs and saw a good 25 comedians or so. Lots of fun, thanks to all the people who put it together. But one asshole that works for JFL should be SHOT and that’s whatever hack came up with those horrible announcement recordings that they played before every single show. Except for Todd Glass, who refused to play it because he said it was so UNFUNNY. I had no idea at the time what he was talking about, because that was the first show of the week that I saw. Then the next show I heard it and said, “Oh, now I understand why he didn’t want to play this piece of shit recording.” It was these hacks imitating pompous British voices, or doing wannabe voices from South Park—so EXCRUCIATING. Don’t do that shit again. Also, I understand that Sirius was one of the people financing the Just for Laughs festival, but it still seems unfair to play the same five songs every time the crowd is being let into the venue. Hearing Mumford and fucking Sons every time you walk in—or that other one that sounds like Mumford and Sons, that HEY-HO shit, I don’t even know which band it is—hearing that ukulele-based pseudo-folk-rock bullshit every time you walk into a venue is just too fucking painful. And then anticipating the goddam announcement! But the rest of the festival was good. I mean, the comedians were good and all the people volunteering were good—you guys should get paid for that shit. So yeah. Cheers. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. Is there a slut convention in town or something? What’s with all these whores walking around? [BLEEP!]

F To the OLD MAN who decided to shout “Look at the big, old titties!” to my friend and I as we biked down Prince Arthur yesterday, stay CLASSY. Your equally old, equally repulsive friend may have found you amusing, but everyone else looked at you like you were an asshole—which is exactly what you are. Also, my titties aren’t old. They’re young and firm and completely beyond anything a SHRIVELED old cock like you will ever get your hands on. Think about that the next time you’re crying yourself to sleep, loser. [BLEEP!]

M Summertime gives me a boner. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I want to complain about Osheaga because, you know, I’m finally at an age where I can comfortably drop $250 on tickets and not worry about having no money left for food and rent, or drugs, but I go to Osheaga and can’t even enjoy the show because all these young girls are shaking their TEEN-AGE TITS and ASS all over the place, so I end up missing the bands completely. It’s like I’m paying to see tits and ass, and I’ve got a big problem with that. Okay. See ya. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, guy. I really liked your SCIENCE on women’s attire these days. Sorry you’re uncomfortable with all the FLASHING, but also I made a test you can take to see why you are uncomfortable. First, get a PENIS that isn’t yours and put it in your mouth. Does that taste good to you? Now try putting it in your ass. Is it nice? If you answered yes to either of these questions, then you are likely scientifically a homosexual. Otherwise shut the fuck up and enjoy what the ladies are giving. [BLEEP!]

F Wow. So I just read the stupid rant by the girl who was being shuffled at the Loblaws. At first I thought it was a joke and then when I realized it was serious! I wanted to tell her that she IS being a goddamned RACIST, even though she thinks she’s not. It’s like saying, “I’m sorry…but,” which means you’re not really sorry. But then I got pissed at the Rant Line™ for actually allowing this girl to express her stupid-ass views. I can’t believe you people would print this bullshit, shame on you! You should not be giving a platform to racist people to express these RETARDED backwards views. It is really absurd. And really courageous of her to call an anonymous line and not have her name printed because she knows she’s a fucking racist. [BLEEP!]

M Big ups on your cocaine savvy, bro. [BLEEP!]

F (with British accent, probably real) Hello. I’ve just been to the (names a restaurant) on Bernard and I had a terrible time. An awful time. The MENU was very restricted and when I did decided what to order, it turned out to be 24 per cent of the size of what I had anticipated! I ordered the MACARONI and CHEESE, and it was a very, very small plate of macaroni and cheese. And as I was finishing it my boyfriend handed me a vegetable SAMOSA, which was purchased elsewhere, which he felt might fill my appetite. But as I was eating it, the WAITER came up to me and told me that I was extremely RUDE to eat a vegetable samosa in his restaurant. He said, “You know, you are very rude, aren’t you?” And that was the end of the exchange. Thank you very much, goodbye. So this is a message for the owner: what is NOT RUDE is me eating a samosa in your restaurant. But what is terribly rude is the fact that you charged me nearly $5 for about a quarter of a can of macaroni and cheese covered with what I can only describe as RATS DROPPINGS. I actually think that possibly the best thing I could have to done in your restaurant is, rather than paying you the $5, was stood up on your table, and DEFECATED thereon, and improved your menu. Thank you very much for your hospitality and have a pleasant evening. Goodbye. [BLEEP!]

M Yes I am a TIME TRAVELLER. I have come back from the future, from the year 7077, to save the human fucking race, ok. But some prick, when I was parked on St. Denis yesterday, ok, went in my fucking vehicle, all right, and he took my time displacement unit. What a cocksucker. I sure he is a guy who is trying NOT to save the world. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M So I went to go see the first Chapelle show. Dave Chappelle. Fucking A. Still got his style, still got his swing. Everybody laughing. It was a hell of a damn good time. Respect to him. Good going. New style, new flow. You have to see the show to understand. Any which old way, it was fucking amazing. Yeah! [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this is in response to the girl who said we should all contest our tickets at the same time. I have an IDEA that’s even one step better. We should all just not pay them, and simply legally DISCHARGE them. How can you do it? Go to natural-person.ca. If we all do this together, we can find our freedom. [BLEEP!]

M This is for all you girls in your worn and BATTERED old Ramones t-shirts. You look totally unfuckable and depressing, especially when you wear it with black tights on the hottest day of the summer. Guys in your Ramones t-shirts, you still sort of look like clueless people who bought a t-shirt at HMV because you thought it looked good. But girls in your Ramones t-shirts, you’re scraping at the bottom of the barrel. [BLEEP!]

M Okay it is right now 4 am. I wanted to find this AFTER-HOURS in the Mile End area. So I approached these two sanctimonious fucking HIPSTERS and kindly asked them directions to it. But they didn’t answer–they just looked at me as if I was not worthy enough to go to this fucking club. I know these two fuckers are going to read this. Fuck you, you sanctimonious hipsters, with your MacBooks and oversize t-shirts and really SHORT SHORTS. You knew where it fucking was. Fucking ridiculous. [BLEEP!]

F Seriously Blizzarts, what the fuck? I love you so much, but every time I go I have something stolen from me. This is the same girl who had the C.R.E.A.M. headband stolen back in the winter. Last night, some fucker thought it was funny to steal my wallet and my house keys from my purse. Now granted, I like getting DRUNK, but why can’t people make their bad decisions not towards me? Blizzarts, this karma is really RAPING me in the ASS and it’s making me not like you. Blizzarts, I love you at the bar, but quit being an asshole. [BLEEP!]

F Sean, I am so lonely. Fuck you. [BLEEP!]

M This is to the guy who complained about getting a $42 ticket for riding his bike on the sidewalk. You deserve a $1200 ticket. You sicken me. [BLEEP!]

M To all the fucking cyclists. It’s called a sidewalk, not a SIDECYCLE. The next person who almost hits me while I’m walking is going to get a stick in his fucking spokes. That is all. [BLEEP!]

M Yo, Powder Pig, your COCAINE knowledge is lacking. Really good blow will pick up moisture from the air, and in case you haven’t noticed, it’s hot and damp. What the fuck you want people to cut with? Silica? Talc? I’m not saying Montreal blow is good. It’s all shit south of Florida, unless you score on the Silk Road. But you need to know you’re full of shit, so you can stop embarrassing yourself. Dry it out on a hot CERAMIC PLATE. If you’re really looking for purity, do a cocaine wash with ACETONE. But be prepared to see your already puny street gram dwindle to the most expensive, but best .4 you’ve ever snorted. See you on the corner, guy. Stay frosty. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. Those mentally ill street punks screaming DEATH METAL LYRICS aren’t mentally ill. They’re fucked up on drugs. Probably meth or bath salts. Why don’t you try singing along with them, and becoming a friend? Then you can try to help them get their lives back together, instead of being a pompous ass who looks down on people and doesn’t ever stop to think about their life difficulties? The world needs less judgemental dicks and more empathy. Give it a try. Okay, bye. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. I’m a male, and I have read a lot here about woman dressed in overly REVEALING CLOTHES, and it occurs to me that they may not realize how much they are actually showing. I think they get dressed, and look in the mirror, and they think, okay, yeah, that’s good, and they head on out into the world. But their view in the mirror isn’t the same view others have. So what they thing is just enough CLEAVAGE becomes a big flash of their TITS to the guy standing next to them. Or slightly provocative becomes like this girl on the terrace showing her most private part, but not realizing she is, because she didn’t see it from her view in the mirror. So maybe people shouldn’t call these girls SLUTS or whatever, and just chalk it up to not thinking things through. For what it’s worth, I’m a guy and even I get uncomfortable sometimes with all the loose parts I catch sight of these days. Anyway, just my two cents. [BLEEP!]

M Fuck, does a dick even have a SMELL? You ask that? And you’re a dude? Dude, some days I wouldn’t even know I had a dick except that I can smell it. Does a dick have a smell!? God all mighty. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, if forcing something out your vagina was really a HISTORIC EVENT, there’d be a ping-pong ball museum in Bangkok. Just another spoiled mouth for the tax-payers to feed. End the motherfucking monarchy. It’s out-dated, and an insult to every working man and woman in shithole Britain. You people are so pathetic. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)