ON THE STREETS IN CultMTL!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

F Fucking Lac Megantic, man. Fucking Lac Megantic. Jesus. Why are they even carrying that much FUEL through these places? Business before safety. Money before people. This world has gone to hell and there’s no coming back. That is the tragedy they don’t write about. [BLEEP!]

M Hey you BLOW DEALERS in the city got to change your cut up when it gets humid like this in Montreal. You guys sell that sticky icky shit—if I want sticky icky, I’ll smoke some weed. I want to get up, so I would really like to find something that can be crushed down into a powder and SNORTED. Instead, most of the shit in town has to be sat down with, with a knife, fork and a BIB, like eating a meal at a table. Chopping a line is impossible—if I want to play with fucking Play-Doh, I’ll buy some Play-Doh. Change the cut. Or better yet, stop cutting your shit at all. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah this is for the asshat bitch who said I was a chumpass for getting a TICKET for riding on the sidewalk in old Montreal. Well honey, I don’t think you bicycle down here on Notre Dame street, and I don’t think you know what the fuck you’re talking about. Get on your bicycle, come down into the southwest RUTS and try and find a bike path! All you’ll see is cars speeding and bombing down Notre Dame. But you probably don’t know that because you are some yuppie up in the Plateau or some other side of the mountain. Wench. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, so I know we are all getting bike tickets from these STUPID COPS, so I think that every cyclist who gets a ticket should contest it. So that way the cops get, like, full of contested tickets and they won’t know what to do with it and we’ll all get off, like, SCOT-FREE. And on another note, I saw the Suuns at the Jazz Fest, and, like, where the fuck has this band been my whole life? If you haven’t heard of them, you need to check them out. They’re amazing. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F Hey… when’s the Fringe fest? [BLEEP!]

F I’m sitting on a terrace on St. Denis, and there is a person also on this terrace whose JEAN SHORTS are not only too loose around the thigh, but also have a huge HOLE in the front, and my boyfriend can’t keep his eyes off her cunt, which she is repeatedly showing off every time she moves. It’s inappropriate on both their parts. From what I can tell, one of them is going to be getting fucked soon, but it won’t be my boyfriend. [BLEEP!]

M I’m sitting with my girlfriend on a terrace on St. Denis, and I am not looking at this chick’s cunt at all, despite what you may have been told a few moments ago. I just pointed out to my girlfriend that it was pretty much out, no underwear, and possibly SUNTANNED, as though it spends a lot of time being out. So my girlfriend needs to calm down and not try to blame me for some other person’s indecency happening to be in my field of view. Bye now. [BLEEP!]

M Hello. I am looking for some psychological advice. Not for myself. And not so much advice or rather some input into a very specific question that I have to ask. When we see MENTALLY ILL people of every stripe walking around talking to themselves, it is pretty much normal behavior. Normal abnormal behavior, if you will. You know, the guy muttering and swearing, maybe he’s psycho, maybe he’s just really drunk. But why is that when I see mentally ill STREET PUNKS, whether they are squeegee guys or workaday beggars, they scream death metal lyrics? That seems to be mostly what I hear from those individuals—it seems to be Norwegian death metal sounds. Why do they choose this to project their insanity? Let me know. [BLEEP!]

M There’s a maniac woman three floors down and I keep hearing her screaming “IT SMELL LIKE A DICK! IT SMELL LIKE A DICK!” Like every thirty seconds for past 15 minutes at least. IT SMELL LIKE A DICK! And I don’t know what smells like a dick, and I don’t even know if a dick has a smell, but I want her to hear me screaming IT SMELL LIKE A DICK! So that maybe she’ll realize we can hear her and then she’ll shut the fuck up, or better yet, choke on one. IT SMELL LIKE A DICK! IT SMELL LIKE A DICK! [BLEEP!]

F Hi. It’s funny you should have that thing about RACISM, because I was seriously just thinking I’m about done with the immigrants. I really don’t consider myself racist, but I’m so sick of being shuffled at the LOBLAWS by people from someplace where every square metre of land is shared by 30 people, and so they don’t think twice about being all in everyone’s way and shoving and that. And fat women in shrouds giving me a glare because I want to actually walk past them rather than slowly creep along at their pace behind them? No thank you. We move in this part of the world, and if you don’t want to move along with us, maybe this isn’t the place for you. Sorry to come off like a REDNECK. I’m really not racist at all and I can imagine this sounds just awful, but anyway. Too many now. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M I am from the CSA and we have your DILDO MOVIES. To have them sent, you must file an Access to Penetration request with the National Office of Online Dildoing. Please visit the Parliament buildings in Ottawa, Ontario and ask to be directed to the appropriate entry. This message will self-destruct in five minutes. I mean five seconds. Ah, shit, I screwed it up. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Fuck, niggah. I was in THE BOX. For a whole fucking month. Stop playing games on Fuckbook, man. Call. Call ASAP. [BLEEP!]

M Calling to complain. Montreal is just tabernac as shit. Sucks. Rain rain everyday. The Mile End is just a cool yuppie zone for stupid fucks. Rich assholes. The stores here—can you believe the shit people are selling? But everyone is acting poor. Jesus. [BLEEP!]

F Hi Rant Line™, this isn’t really a rant—or I guess it is, but it’s at myself, so, anyway. I got caught in that DELUGE today coming home from my sister’s BABY SHOWER, where I got to wear my new, white LINEN dress. So you can imagine what happened. Anyway, some guy yelled to me out his window asking if I wanted to borrow a raincoat and I already felt completely sick that I was basically walking down the street NAKED because of the rain, and my first answer was to tell him to get fucked. But now I think he was maybe actually being SINCERE and trying to do me a favour, so I feel like a grade-A bitch. I guess it’s pathetic that we’re at the point where, if someone seems to be doing something nice, we just assume they’re up to no good. Anyway, I’m not proud. K. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M Hi! I also have the same birthday as Leonard Cohen! Did you want to hook up? [BLEEP!]

M What kind of sad piece of shit steals a guy’s LAPTOP? Not even a good laptop, but a four-year-old, bottom-rung thing worth probably no more than $50 on the resale market! I’m hoping it’s the same kind of piece of shit that checks the Rant Line™ every week, so that he’ll see this and know we think he’s a sad piece of shit indeed. If you stole a laptop, bring it the fuck back and clean up your life, because sad pieces of shit do not prevail. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, Cornholio. If you’re so upset about what the Rant Line™ offers vis-a-vis the LOCAL MUSIC SCENE, why didn’t you talk about some of those big, successful bands of tomorrow in your own lame rant? Instead, you just boo-hoo that nobody else is doing it. I liked the way the Rant Line™ was when people talked about the music scene here, but you know what? Now there isn’t one. So what the fuck? If you want to live in the past, hook up with Metal Boy from a few months ago and the two of you can jerk each other off to old copies of the Mirror. For what it’s worth, guys, I happen to like that weird psychic shit. That person is trying to save your fucking GLOWBUG spirit or whatever. So there’s a whining pussy’s take on it. Eat a dick. [BLEEP!]

M Man, I told you what the Rant Line™ needed to keep the people happy. Where are the TITTIES? You keep denying the titties, people are going to keep talking trash at you. Titty it up, Rant Line™. Click here for titties! Go! [BLEEP!]

M I read with great interest this man’s complaint of the Rant Line™ not being good, and I wish to offer my input of a suggestion. I think what the Rant Line™ needs is to have some more RACISM and RELIGIOUS INTOLERANCE. I see angry men and angry women and angry French and angry English and angry hash losers and angry hash finders, but nobody is a racist? This can’t be true! Maybe the Rant Line™ is being run by the anti-anti-Semites and Political Correctors? Where are the racists and the bigots?! [BLEEP!]

F Why are you riding your bike on the sidewalk, you asshat? Haven’t they built enough fucking bike paths for you yet? Sorry your chump ass is out $41, but I’ll bet there are a lot of people who had to side-step the asshat rising his bike on the sidewalk! [BLEEP!]

M Yes, hello, this is a message for the NSA. Or I guess for the Canadian SA or whatever. About three years ago, I went on Chat Roulette and I had this GREAT ERECTION and jerked off with some cam ho who was just a filthy pig. She put a DILDO IN HER ASS. And I would really love a copy of that chat because I still think about it, but memory isn’t the same as seeing what she did with that huge dildo. So if you could track this call please and then email me a copy of it, I’d be very grateful and pay all the TAXES I can pay and not even take my EI next month from you. I don’t need the upstream of my cock, just her part. I see my cock all the time. Anyway, I’m sure the Canadian SA guys are all still beating it to her also, so it’s probably easy to find. Thank you for your fast reply. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 51-271-RANT (7268)

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Hey Rant Line™ I just want to say big ups to the CRACKHEAD who thinks smoking crack is ok because famous people do it. And also, ASS SHORTS rule. Peace. [BLEEP!]

F Hey what’s up. I just figured out what they were talking about in that line in Beautiful Losers when they are talking about the VIRGO CURSE. It means that the natural conclusion of being better than everyone, is that you get broken up with for being better than someone. I would know about this because me and Leonard Cohen have the same birthday. [BLEEP!]

F Has TEXTING become the new face to face? When did people actually stop meeting up and begin dealing with things only through emoticons and random commentary about the day? I am all for new technology and things moving forward, but Jesus Christ, if you have been texting me for three weeks, don’t you think we should meet up once in a while? What is the world coming to? [BLEEP!]

F Dear Metro lady and your two ridiculous girlfriends at Metro Guy. The reason I threw the newspaper on the floor in front of your LOTUS FEET is because you threw it in front of my feet! I do not appreciate having a newspaper being thrown at my feet. Not even the Post. Thrown at my feet like my presence doesn’t matter. I understand that you have the ASS of a PRINCESS and sitting on the newspaper that was on your seat is a major yuck factor for you, but you only displaced the problem. And I did not enjoy throwing it on the floor, because contrary to your belief, I didn’t do it because I hate the environment. No. I did it so you understand how it feels when someone throws something at you. And even then, you didn’t get it, when you and your cool friends gave me the stare. And yes, I did laugh when you picked it up on your way out of the train and put it back on the seat. You could have just kept it beside you the whole time! And I don’t feel bad for calling your friend a twit when she gave me the ANGRY KITTEN stare, looking more like childish mouse. Grow me a favour and grow some manners and keep your trash to your self. [BLEEP!]

M I was in the wrong. I was riding on the SIDEWALK on my BICYCLE. Cop gives me a ticket. As he’s typing it into his little fucking digital bicycle thing, I see cars bombing on Notre Dame. The speed limit is 40 and they’re all doing way beyond that. And as he’s writing the ticket I am trying to figure out why the fuck aren’t you SPEED-GUNNING them and giving them bigger tickets instead of my chump-ass a fucking $41 ticket!? What the fuck is that? [BLEEP!]

M The guy carting off the CRT monitor that you saw was probably a TERRORIST who will make a TERRORIST DEVICE from the parts in the CRT monitor. You should have called that one in. [BLEEP!]

F Yes, I just read a story about three douches beating up what the news said was a TRANSGENDER woman, and I don’t know what to think. Is a transgender woman a man who is making the crossover to woman or a woman making the cross to man? I’d think it’s a woman who wants to be a man. But if you think about that for a while and you’ll see it’s no easy thing to figure out without a picture. Maybe it should stand on its own. You know. Just transgender—one word meaning a mash up of the two. Then, if they have to specify, it can be like, transgender northbound, because they want to grow some boobs, or transgender southbound, because they want to sprout a dick. I just really don’t know. Anyway, I’m pretty bored right now so I wanted to talk to somebody about this. Bye-bye. [BLEEP!]

M What the hell has happened to the Rant Line™? You used to have a lot more about the scene and what bands are a bunch of PUSSIES. I remember there were whole BAND WARS that fucking played out. It was awesome. Now it’s all a bunch of, I dunno, like, bullshit whiners and fucking loons talking some weird psychic shit. Bring back the old Rant Line™! [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 51-271-RANT (7268)

“edited” by AL SOUTH

F I fucking hate the F1! And everybody that comes in for it. [BLEEP!]

M Not even officially summertime and I’ve already gotten my first glimpse of PUBLIC FORNICATION while walking over Mount-Royal. Nice. [BLEEP!]

M If the NSA is monitoring everyone’s communications—and I do believe that they really are—then that means the U.S. Government knows already about all the shit everyone has done. Like if they made a DRUG DEAL or bought some black-market guns, or traded CHILD PORNOGRAPHY on their computers. So if they know all this and not every single motherfucker doing all these things gets a raid done on them, then isn’t it a good argument that the U.S. Government is complicit in all those crimes? So either the U.S government has to also go to jail, or no one has to. Think about that one. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, what is this shit about Rob Ford saying his fucking CABLE WAS OUT, and so he had no idea the cops just happened to have raided the building where he smoked up his crack? They hauled off all kinds of cellphones and computers, but just two people and no DRUGS or WEAPONS so far, which is what they said they were looking for. I guess all the drugs and weapons are hidden on SD cards, right? This is really an obvious Rob Ford-orchestrated hunt to destroy evidence on his drug use. First he tried to murder those two black dudes that were in the picture with him, and now he’s trying to clean up all the proof. Everyone knows Toronto police are owned by the Fords. So obvious. Toronto is so full of shit. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, I called you about half-an-hour ago about the Toronto police Rob Ford thing and I think I may have said they only took cellphones and not any drugs or guns, but I just saw that they took a lot of drugs and guns also, so maybe forget that part of my first call. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M This is a big shout-out to the guy that just drove me in his Trans Am, a fucking RUST BUCKET from the 70s, with his JELLY ROLL ARM hanging out the window, with one of those gross tattoos, yelling at his girlfriend or wife or whatever in the car. Muffler from another planet and the Quebec flag hanging off the back of the car. You sir, make your province proud. You’re a true patriot. Thank you for leaving the B.O. from your armpit 12 feet past in your dust. [BLEEP!]

M Hey there seems to be a misprint in the Best of Montreal. Pauline Marois is voted fourth Most Desirable Woman in Montreal? Are you fucking kidding me? I’d rather stab a burning needle in my URETHRA every single night for the rest of my life than spent one single night with that disgusting woman. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, yeah, hi. Listen, I’m the guy who called about those CRT monitors that people leave on the street with the notes about that they work, and I just want to say that exactly two seconds ago, I passed a guy walking down the street in the ghetto CARRYING A FUCKING CRT MONITOR. I obviously don’t know if he took it off the street or anything or is just moving it and it was already his, but I want to believe he found it and took it. So how about that? Just when you think you have it all figured out, BOOM. CRT monitors on the move. Any other evidence supporting this would be appreciated. What’s next?! [BLEEP!]

M Just saying no one knows the biggest MAP of the world in the world is in Montreal. Just wanted you to know. Not many people know that. I’m not saying where it is, but it’s the biggest map of the world in the world, in Montreal. [BLEEP!]

M Yes hi, this is Eddie. I’m a grumpy old man because I have to throw out stuff that I want to keep and it’s not my fault. I mad with Pauline Marois and the other liars, criminals, gay homosexual men and terrorists because they do it by choice. Thank you. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F If you are truly trying to find your freedom, you have to teach your spirit to move without GRUDGE. You must give up past transgressions. To hold your anger inside or let it bend you into a MONSTROUS FORM will only weigh your spirit and chain you to the now. I plant my anger in fertile COSMIC SOIL and watch it grow, a row of delicious fruit trees, forgiving and ripe with kind energy, which I feed on and which nourishes me for the long road I have still ahead. Let your anger drop from you, let it be the rotted fruit that feeds the worms who absorb it and transform it into something rich with electric good. I ride the back of the HATE WORM along a glowing path toward the sun. My thymus gland is a five-star resort of fulfillment. This is the change we all have to make, but the gatekeeper toward its success is a vile and plodding evil forcing its priapic temptation inside you. Don’t eat its slow death. Please contact me. We need to grow a garden of goodness together. Thank you so much. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (9163)!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Hey, Drunk Anorexia Girl. I wasn’t trying to pass myself off as you. What I was trying to do is find what your drunk anorexia consists of, and offering my own drunk bulimia/cocaine GET FIT challenge. Still waiting to hear the details on your drunk anorexia, though, so let us know. Plenty of rotund pigs reading this, I’m sure. Anyway, sorry if you thought I was stepping on your BONY TOES. [BLEEP!]

F Is anyone really surprised the Ford family are fucking dealers? I mean, none of them are very bright. They’re like the staple fat MICK family—pink-faced and beefy with no brains. Drugs were the Ford family’s only shot, and so now they’re rewarding all their drug buddies from years ago with plum gigs in shitty old T-Dot. Rob Ford is a fat, tragic man who should be pitied. He was probably always made fun of, and always ridiculed and picked last in GYM, and now he’s using right-wing rhetoric to mask his pain, and his brother is the real piece of shit. Anyway, his HEART can’t likely handle much more living without crack, so if he keeps hitting the pipe, expect to find hear about him dropping dead any time now. He’s really a sad-sack, so cut him some slack. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M It’s funny, because I just read this story about the whole Ford family being big drug dealers in the 80s or early 90s, and the first thing that popped in my mind was that around that time, I knew a guy whose roomie used to take a train like once a month with a DUFFLE BAG full of POT to deliver. I don’t remember if he took it to Toronto or picked it up in Toronto to bring back. Pretty sure it was to, though. So, I mean, I’m sure there were a lot of guys selling dope in Toronto back then, but the first thing I thought of was that this guy must have been bringing the drugs to Doug Ford. The cops should look this guy up and find out what he knows. I can’t remember his name. He was a skinny little guy and I couldn’t fucking stand him. David something. Used to get his cats stoned. God, what a fool. So that’s my tip for the day. I’ll wait for some REWARD MONEY now. Bye-bye. [BLEEP!]

M Buddy, why the fuck are you pulling anything over your BELT LINE to piss outside? Why don’t you UNDO your fly and piss that way, like pants are made for? I think if you’re yanking your prick and nuts out over your waistband, no cop on earth should assume you just needed to pee, and should fire a TAZER into your knob. I’m not much for public urination to begin with, but when I have no other choice, a degree of decency should be maintained, and nobody should ever see what your doing, let alone the whole FRANK-AND-BEANS. Just my opinion. [BLEEP!]

F Hi! I just ran home in the rain from the bank, pushing my baby on a stroller, and had to call to complain about the asshats who piled up on the WHEELCHAIR RAMP to get out of the rain. With their fucking bicycles, no less. Like, aren’t these people annoying enough when they’re just on the bike path? Nope. It makes me want to open my car door and send them sailing, and it isn’t just a bike lane thing. It’s their WAY OF LIFE. All me, all the time. I had to carry my stroller down the stairs so these assholes—who were wearing rain slickers anyway—could huddle on the ramp to keep dry, staring at the rain, probably thinking, “Nature’s got its nerve raining when I’m trying to ride my bike.” I hope they get their faces caught in their own SPOKES. Thank you. I feel much better. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I’m wondering about something. I see all these CRT monitors on the curb everywhere with a note that says WORKS or something like that—does anyone every actually take those clunky fuckers home? I mean, are people putting them out with a note because that way they don’t have to feel they’ve just dumped a block of poisonous, ever-lasting junk into a landfill. Or do people really come along and say, “Oh cool! I needed a new monitor, and now here’s a free one!” and then actually bring it home? I’m pretty sure it’s the former, and these people are lying to themselves. I, for one, have never seen anyone take a roadside CRT monitor, sign or no sign. [BLEEP!]

F Hi! This is for the COW who left her message directed at me for offering my opinion that the women of the Plateau and surrounding area are going too far down the SLUTHOLE for their own good, or the good of women everywhere. First off, honey, I’ll have you know I am not fat with B.O, and have a no problem meeting GENTLEMEN—which is probably one of the ways you and I differ. I meet gentlemen—with jobs and manners and RESPECT for me—whereas you likely get ploughed like the SLUSH at the end of winter by some guy who views you as a pair of tits and a couple of wet holes. Sorry if I stepped on your tits and got you all worked up, but, by the sounds of things, they were probably out anyway. Dressing the part of FUCKTOY isn’t having pride and confidence in one’s sexuality, honey. It’s a sad cry for attention from someone who believes she has nothing else to offer but her ass, tits and vagina. Maybe you should spend a bit less time at the make-up counter or crying into your Vogue magazine, and find qualities about yourself that are actually beautiful. Have a good day, honey! [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

F Hey this is the REAL Drunk Anorexia Guy. I don’t know who that other dude was, because I was the one who called in. And I’m only saying guy because you just thought I was a dude—actually I’m a GIRL. Not the first time this has happened, Rant Line™. But ya, dude makes a good point. Coke does help. [BLEEP!]

M So big fat Rob Ford is a CRACKHEAD. Well doesn’t that just beat everything. How long until we hear our fucking MOBSTER mayors sold him the shit? Fucking politicians are filth on even the lowest level. [BLEEP!]

M Everyone is making a big deal about Rob Ford SMOKING CRACK. What a joke. Look, I have smoked crack on and off for years, and I can tell you that all kinds of famous and important people smoke it. I know because I have smoked it with them! Rock stars, activists, politicians—ok maybe not the mayor, but some well-known politicians—TV stars, radio hosts, teachers, daycare workers, bankers. You name it. And that’s just crack. If you want to talk about NORMAL COCAINE, it would be harder to come up with a list of people who do not snort it. Everyone does. Probably your mother and father do it. They might have been smoking crack—or at least high on blow—on the night when they CONCEIVED you. Stop being so naïve. [BLEEP!]

M Rant Line™…. so…. thirsty… no…. water. All of it… tainted feces… and semen… and birth-control pills…. [rasp, rasp]… and cigarette butts. Must… find…. water… Must… uhhhhhhh. Save us. [BLEEP!]

M Who’s the rhyming faggot with the missing hash? [BLEEP!]

M So this is somewhere between a rant and a question. I am seeking some insight into a NUANCE. What is the line between public urination and public indecency? By law, public urination, the act in and of itself, is ticketable. But what is the line—when do you get arrested? If I hoist my BALLS up over my BELT LINE, is that good form? I don’t think so. You don’t have to have that out there to take a leak! I would like to know, essentially, if anyone has ever been taking a leak and been arrested for public indecency. When did they cross the line? What was the situation that made the cops come up and instead of giving you a ticket for public urination, said, “Why is your dick in your hand, sir?” All right. [BLEEP!]

M Bro, you totally should’ve killed that guy. [BLEEP!]

F I just want to say thank you to the guy who stopped to help me and my girlfriend carry her DRESSER up the stairs to our apartment. I swear, there must’ve been 30 guys who walked by and didn’t so much as take notice of two admittedly short, SKINNY GIRLS trying to lift a big, wooden dresser. But then one guy, who was like rushing by, stopped and asked if we needed help. And then he insisted on carrying the thing up himself! The best part is two guys stopped to ask him if he needed a hand, even though nobody stopped to ask us. Anyway, there’s hope for Montreal men yet! Bless you, HERO. We’ll remember you always! [BLEEP!]

M Yo, I’m seeing all these big ladies in the hood walking about in they SHORTY SHORTS and low, tight tanks to show off they titty meat and these ladies is FAT. I mean, like, cover up that shit fat. And they walking wearing the same revealing like the FIT, firm ladies. I think when a fat lady is shaking in the same ho gear as a skinny lady, you got to take a good look at the state of hos today. Use to be a big girl had some self-consciousness about it. Now these days isn’t any a lady look to give a shit. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M I just wanted to say that, as a manager at major, international financial institution, I would be very interested in hiring a woman whose CV included the qualification, “Gives boys a PEEK OF PINK.” Or even if she just mentioned it in her cover letter. Thank you for your application. [BLEEP!]

F I’d like a little more information on this DRUNKEN ANOREXIA. Is there a clinic or website I could visit? I had limited success with drunken bulimia—which was drinking alcohol until I felt sick, then eating whatever I wanted, and then puking because of the alcohol. But it got to be a pain to keep up, not to mention expensive. And the guys I ended up in bed with refused to kiss me because of the puke. Maybe your way is the diet plan I was looking for! Thanks! [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this is to the Drunk Anorexia Weight Loss guy. What you’re looking for is COCAINE, which will curb your appetite and melt off the pounds. Also, you don’t slur your words and you don’t have to run off and pee every five minutes. I guess you might run off to the bathroom, anyway, though. Hmmm. I hadn’t thought this through. Maybe it’s the same diet. Shit. Oh well. [BLEEP!]

F Yeah, this is for the dumb bitch who keeps calling in to try to SHAME those of us who aren’t disgusted by our own bodies. At least I’m assuming it’s one dumb bitch calling, because how many dumb bitches like her can there be, right? I know your type, sweetie. You’re probably a fat cow with SHORT HAIR you cut yourself who stinks of B.O. and hates every good-looking woman she sees and hasn’t had a man in years, if ever. Well you know what? That’s not anybody else’s problem. It’s yours. If you’re that miserable, drop the weight, get a makeover and get yourself a good fucking, because you need it. Sexuality is awesome and you have no right trying to make women feel ashamed or beneath you and your unwanted vagina. I mean it, honey. I’m sure you can even get some dick in your current state. Lots of Middle-Easterners and black guys are down for a fat white girl. Try to not drive them off with your crazy self-hatred. Best of luck. Hope it helps. [BLEEP!]

M Hope you’re ready, Rant Line™, because I’m in a fucking rage! I’m waking downtown and just went by a GAGGLE of CONSTRUCTION WORKERS sitting around eating their lunch next to a hole in the road and I hear one of them saying to this girl—a GIRL, like, maybe 12—“If you got a muff, you’re old enough.” Fucking 12! What the fuck is that? I’m usually only a SLIGHTLY VIOLENT man, but I tell you right now my first reaction was to grab the knife I carry and open his fucking throat. The only thing stopping me was the five other guys he was with and the two cops now staring at me while I leave this rant. I gotta talk lower…. but what the fuck is wrong with people? I mean, yeah, how intelligent can a guy be who digs holes for a living, but even assholes can be raised better than this, don’t you think? I swear, I may fucking hang around here and follow him home later and kill him then. This fucking world needs a CLEANSING FIRE so all the scum is reduced to ash. Pray for your fucking mercy. [BLEEP!]

M Yes, first of all, who said anything about PENIS SUCKING? I was just saying it might be nice to make a friend over an act of kindness, in this case being the return of my MISSING HASHISH, which was perdu—and now is not found. So, mon ami, mon petit, mon pretty, I don’t know what it is to be wooey, but I know what is joie de vivre, and you need a reprieve from being peeved. Perhaps you would like to share a bowl with me? You need not suce my pee-pee, it’s enough for me to see my fellow home—a chum—happy! Your allegation is unfounded. Like my drugs. Merci bien et à la prochaine! [BLEEP!]

F Hi. I think if there were water in the Lafontaine Parc rock pit, and someone DROWNED—which is pretty likely—the city of Montreal would be sued to hell over it. So instead of taking out insurance against the chance some DRUNK or some kid will drown, they just don’t have water there. Just a theory, but I think I’m right. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

F Hello empowered women! I see WHOLE-ASS-OUT shorts are de rigueur for the fashion-conscious gal this summer. Tight and short and let’s see those cheeks! Good choice, ladies! Equal pay cannot be far off with this new initiative. I applaud you, and don’t think for a second that anyone will look at you as a mere tool for sating their sexual desires. Remember—if you put a leg up while sitting on Montreal’s beautiful terraces you might be able to give the boys a PEEK OF PINK, too! Make sure you add that to your CVs! Bye! [BLEEP!]

M Hey WOMAN. Whoah, man. Put up some fucking PANTS. I’m sick of this goddam YOGA shit. None of you should be wearing it.  I don’t want to go see my mom and she’s wearing some fucking yoga clothes. Or any of her friends. Or anyone else I see on the street wearing this shit. I didn’t like it when I was going to school and seeing girls in STRETCHY fucking clothes that I can rip off with my TEETH and I don’t like seeing it now. Most of you should not even be allowed to buy it, so none of you should be allowed to wear it. Spandex is a goddam privilege not a fucking right. Stop it. Just stop it now. Please. [BLEEP!]

F Montreal. What is up with the PLATFORMS? Not ok. [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™ I just wanted to share how embracing DRUNK ANOREXIA as a fitness strategy is really working for me. And this is probably a bad thing. [BLEEP!]

M What the fuck Rant Line™? I’m stuck here in the shitheap of TRAFFIC on Sherbrooke on this otherwise beautiful sunny day, going with the flow, here. Nothing I can do about it anyway, right? But this little SPANDEXED FUCK on a bike just came zipping down the middle of all us car-drivers, and tears by and CRACKS my fucking arm, which was barely outside my car window, with his bike. And then just keeps going. What a cunt, right? So I just screamed CUNT out my window at the top of my lungs. But then I thought people might think I was nuts, so I called you guys to make it look l’m not just a guy who screams cunt while sitting alone in a car. Anyway, I fucking hate cyclists in this city. Aren’t there enough bike lanes now to keep them the fuck out of the way? I expect to be KILLED by a Montreal cyclist one day. Mark my word. It’s going to happen. [BLEEP!]

M Somebody buy those two fruits a CHUNK OF HASH so they can finally just meet up and suck each others pee pees and get all giddy and wooey. Please don’t print any more rants about them. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, I read your Tell Bell to Eat Shit rant and didn’t think much of it until this morning when I had to call Bell to change my phone package, and sat on HOLD for 30 minutes. Then some guy finally comes on to talk to me and says “Thank you or calling Bell—how may I make you SMILE today?” Are you kidding? Thirty minutes on hold and you start with that? I told him “Buddy, I ain’t smiling.” Then he tried to LIE to me about the lowest rates I could get on my phone, l and I had to SCREAM MY HEAD OFF to finally get the best price. How do they get away with this shit? “How can I make you smile today.” Nora! All this to say I now support the Tell Bell to Eat Shit movement without any hesitation! Rock on! [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™. Can you put some some WATER in Lafontaine Park?  This is bullshit. Why am I DRINKING staring at rocks? I like drinking outside, I don’t want to drink starting at rocks. I want to drink staring at the beautiful water that Montreal provides us, water that I can’t even in swim in. Well, maybe I can, Rant Line™? Good luck. Please, save the day. [BLEEP!]

M Ok, the first thing I want to say is, I miss the Mirror. The second thing I want to say is, it’s 4.30 in the morning and I am DRUNK. The third thing I want to say is my balls are itchy. I miss the Mirror. Goodbye, Rant Line™. [BLEEP!]

F I will totally CREAM my pants if that guy finds a C.R.E.A.M. headband on the Internet. And then I might eat a bunch of ice cream sandwiches while making homemade cream corn while SQUIRTING whipped cream on my cat. Ok, I’m running out of cream words. CREAM. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)!

 “edited” by AL SOUTH

M Hey fella. Awesome rant about that missing HASH. Funny thing is, I thought I’d FOUND a BAG of hash not too far from where you say you are. But when I picked up the baggie, it turned out just to be some little rubber thing, like from a piece of furniture or something, so I threw it back down. Wish I had found it, though. Then I could have returned it, and we could have become best friends. Sorry. [BLEEP!]

M Hello, my buddy just called and told you that I was stealing my neighbour’s Wi-Fi, and that he wanted everyone to know I was an Internet thief. Well, I’m just calling to say he’s a drunk piece of shit and I didn’t fucking steal anything—internet or fucking anything. Not ever. So if you decide to fucking print that I’m stealing WiFi from my neighbours, you can expect to hear from a fucking lawyer because I will SUE THE FUCK out of you for defaming me, and this piece of shit can fuck right out of my apartment for even calling you. I hope you know I’m fucking serious. [BLEEP!] [Ed’s note: No calls were made to the Rant Line™ regarding allegations of WiFi theft.]

F I like DOGS, but maybe there are too many of them around the mountain these days. If you are going to bring your dog everywhere you go, SHORT LEASHES are best. Or no leashes. Long leashes are bad for everybody because you’re basically cordoning off a 15-foot area in the middle of a PEDESTRIAN ZONE just so your little dog can sniff some poop or make some poop of its own. That’s not convenient, especially for people on bikes. Use your heads and let’s have a great summer! [BLEEP!]

M Regarding the BUS DRIVER BEATING—all I can say is it is wasn’t hard to see this coming. I don’t want to say it’s payback time, but now maybe all you bus drivers will be a little more patient when I am looking for change or asking for directions. Thank you and good night. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, ladies. I think I know which WHEELCHAIR GUY you’re talking about. And I’ll tell you right now, that guy ain’t licking no pussy worth a shit—he is much more likely to suffocate and die if you straddle him with your wet crotch. If you want it done right, look me up. I can even get a wheelchair from my brother-in-law, who used one for four months last year and never gave it back. Whatever floats your boats. I’m just in it for the pussy eating. Ciao. [BLEEP!]

F The CHAKRA explodes, and each molecule is its own universe. The energy circles and seeks a home, exploring its avenues, discovering its possibilities, floating, floating, watching, watching. If you feel eyes on you, know it is the Eye of the Great Future, which sees all things. I am NOT the Eye, but can see through its pure lens, a borrower of the plan’s path for us all. Take my hand and I’ll take you there. It is not a place for the meek or weak-hearted. Sometimes even beauty can destroy you. Sometimes peace is horrifying. I fall to my knees and throw up my arms and the light burns paradise into my ORB. This is the message I wish to serve, the dinner I hope to prepare for the Rant Line™ chosen, baked in a divine oven of fulfillment and deliverance. The recipe contains no suffering, but there is a shake of pain. Please call me back. My time here is growing shorter. [BLEEP!]

 GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)!

 “edited” by AL SOUTH

F Hey, how is it there are guys who get up and think, “Oh, wow! It’s 14 degrees outside. I think I’ll walk down the street in SHORTS with NO SHIRT on, wearing a big cowboy hat and smoking a joint at 10 in the morning!” Wow… wish you could see this. Welcome back, season of stupidity. Missed you dearly. [BLEEP!]

M I don’t know what it is, but I’m pretty sure I’ve seen a spate of public MASTURBATORISTS in and around McGill Metro station. Not all like dick-in -hand, go-at-it guys, but some hand-down-the-panters, subtle tuggery shit, too. Down in the metro, upstairs in the station around Beggar Lane, between the Bay and the Eaton Centre. You’d think there would be someone who would come around and tell these guys to BEAT IT. Not like they’re doing, beat it, but like, get the fuck out of here beat it. If this keeps up, I’m maybe going to start clocking these pervs myself. Be like the batman warring against jackers. Anyway, maybe you want to do a story on that. [BLEEP!]

M Spring is sprung, the grass is rizz, I wonder where my HASHISH is! Because I had it when I left the dealer’s, and now I doesn’t have it! So if anyone finds a little, bitty lump or two of hashish near Duluth and Napoleon, it’d be a nice thing of you to knock on my door and say “Voila! Your hashish! And maybe then we can smoke a small celebration to our new friendship! Au revoir, mes amis! [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, listen Mister Plateau Census Expert, first off, brush up on your history lessons, because the Plateau and Roy have not, as you croaked out from the cunt in your face, “Always been a street of DEBAUCHERY,” okay? For decades it was for all manner of Jews and whatever else sort of immigrant who needed a place to raise a family with no money and away from the people who didn’t want them living too close by. The whole fucking scenester takeover is only in the past, like, 15 years or so. Fifteen years isn’t ALWAYS, is it? And second, there are families who still live in the Plateau and who don’t want to hear your cuntmouth shitting drunk noise at them all fucking night, and who don’t want their kids seeing your drunk ass covered in your own puke and stinking of pot and loserness. Die of dumb, you fucking joke. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I’m the dude who said he’d buy that girl a new C.R.E.A.M headband. Well, I actually tried to find one on the Internet for you, and I have had no luck. I figured I’d find it and at least rant out the link for you. Anyway, I’ll keep looking and let everybody know. Peace and love and all that shit. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I want to say that I’m 100 per-cent behind the dude wanting to tell BELL to eat shit. I told them to eat shit two years ago when they priced their shitty service right out of my interest level for a simple talk and data plan, and then tried to hit me up for a $500 charge in overage fees. It was sweet telling Bell to eat shit, and I guess it’s going to be just as sweet telling ROGERS to eat shit too, which I’m also about ready to do. NO PHONE is the way to go. [BLEEP!]

M I am the Cigarette Warning Man and I come to you with another episode in our on-going look at the frightening and cancer-preventing images that are put on our packs of delicious cigarettes. Exhibit whatever: We see an eye being held open by a terrifying metal clamp thing, all Clockwork Orange style, and into that EYE goes a needle. EWWWW! And the words warn us that smoking can cause blindness and macular degeneration and that THERE IS NO TREATMENT. Well, if there’s no treatment, what they fuck are they doing to that guy’s eye? AHA!! I will continue to uncloak the truth for you, Rant Line™! Await my next communication. [BLEEP!]

F Hey Rant Line™, I just want to say I was just reading some way old Rant Line™s from the Montreal Mirror and you know what? I love the Rant Line™! It really is a nice snapshot of whatever people were thinking about, and even though the band names change and the locales maybe change, the basic feelings are really universal going back about five years, which is the oldest one I have around. But there’s always something crazy or something POIGNANT or something to learn about, like a local band or whatever. And there are always some idiots, too. Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for all the rants and the fun and I’m glad you’re still here! Bye! [BLEEP!]

M Hey what’s up with them TITTIE SHOTS, bro? You ever going to post some up here? Because I keep checking back for them, and I don’t see any titties. Let’s go. [BLEEP]

F Fuck, yeah… I totally forgot about his mouth! Thanks, sister! If I see this dude again I’m totally going to hit him for a FACE-RIDE. Shit. Good fucking point! [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)!