F Hey Rant Line™. This is a girl who is so ASHAMED of that girl who ranted about the guy in the WHEELCHAIR with the blaring SPEEDCORE system. What the heck does she mean, if his dick worked she’d be fucking his brains out? Honey, his MOUTH works! He can drive that wheelchair and play freaking speedcore rock on a blaring soundsystem! He could be fucking you with that mouth! What’s the matter with you, girlfriend? That dude is rocking, I’ll tell you that! And that mouth works all the buttons in the elevator, baby. Just to be clear, you are way too PHALLOCENTRIC. Differently abled people can be on top and ride you too, honey. It’s not just you fucking him. Why are you so power tripping on that dude? Rock the wheelchair sounds! And rock on Rant Line™. Ciao. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. This is for Mr. Metal Should Be Dead. Dude, I am just curious, what kind of music do you listen to? Because metal is not just for angry teenagers. Actually, I’m, like, a YOUNG BOY, fairly civilized, and I think it’s just part of the culture. If you can’t appreciate it, just leave it to people who can appreciate and understand it. Fuck you. [BLEEP!]

M Hello Rant Line™. This is a first time caller, long time reader. This is to the guy who is crying about the SCENESTERS on Roy. Listen, Roy has always been a fucking street of DEBAUCHERY. He lives in the Plateau, and the Plateau is full of BARS. This is where all the tourists come to enjoy Montreal living. I don’t understand why this person would come and live in the Plateau—a populated bar area—and complain and screech to the Rant Line™. Fuck this kid! Fuck him to death! Ya. Good night. Edit this. Make it better. I don’t care. Thank you very much. [BLEEP!]

F You know what’s awesome? It’s awesome that I can lie in my bed at two in the morning and hear whatever shit movie the asshole next door is watching in crystal clear, uber-bassy audio! I think the only thing better is when he’s calling his girlfriend a CUNT at the top of his lungs. Great stuff, guy! Thanks so much. [BLEEP!]

F This is the worst day. [Ed.’s note: This was followed by 46 seconds of silence] [BLEEP!]

F This is a response to the fucker who replied to my stolen C.R.E.A.M. headband rant, that he loves his new C.R.E.A.M. headband and he’s so happy about it and blah blah blah. I swear to god if I ever see you on the street, I’m going to punch you in the mouth and grab that headband off your head and then make a DODGE for it. But you probably won’t be wearing it, because it will be summertime soon and you will be one of those people getting piss drunk and puking and shitting all over the sidewalk and making the rest of the Plateau dwellers really unhappy. And to the other guy who said that he’d buy me a new one, that’s really sweet. But I can’t even believe I am putting this much effort to rant back about this—it’s just that I am still so mad about that stolen C.R.E.A.M. headband. But love the Rant Line™ for publishing this back and forth. Ok bye. [BLEEP!]

M This some seriously spooky shit. I am reading the Astral Travel Girl rant—apparently in her current physiology, it requires pure light to pronounce her name—and just as I was reading it, my motherfucking light burnt out! I would absolutely like the PERTINENT INFORMATION that Astral Travel Girl has to offer this earth, or at the very least me. I am impressed with her delivery so far. I am not going to leave an email address or anything, but I implore her to contact me with the rest of the message by flickering any of my lights. [BLEEP!]

F My MANTRA sends icewaves throughout the world and returns to me warmed. My spirit rides on an ELECTRIC EEL and I am invisible to all but the knowing, who call to me and ask for my prayers as I writhe by them in the untouchable, intangible form that is my gift. I can give them their happiness instantly, but there is much more to be done and I cannot stop from my path. I speak to them through an ectoplasmic larynx and in their hearts the signal comes in electrically. It’s not yet time. When it’s time, I will send the mantra, the eel and the voice to all hearts who have reached out to me to deliver them the joyous truth as it was sent to me. I won’t require a FLYING DISK, but might use one anyway. Watch for the day not just with your eyes focused, but also your hearts. I will pass this on only to you if you will reach me in the earthly ways. Peace be in your hearts and minds. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU!CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)

M Hello. I’m sitting here with my feet up and a BOWL, reflecting on my day and I keep thinking about something but I have nobody to talk to. So hi, Rant Line™, what’s up? I was walking today and I saw two PRIVATE SCHOOL GIRLS walking toward me, wearing private school girl KILTS and chitter-chatting away. And one of them, a young redhead with braids who couldn’t have been more than 14, was doing all the talking. So as I pass I hear her telling her friend, “All I know is I HATE EVERYONE.” So young! And already hate for everyone! It gave me hope. [BLEEP!]

F Oh my god! Can you hear this? [Ed’s note: We could not]. That’s a fucking BLARING SOUND SYSTEM. Blaring some SPEEDCORE. Listen… And you know where it is? Mounted on the back of a dude’s WHEELCHAIR. He’s controlling it with his mouth. The chair, I mean. Maybe the sound system, too. But he’s just motoring down the bike lane, maybe not even able to move a muscle, but he’s rocking it like a fucking bad-boy Stephen Hawking. My god. If his dick worked, I’d be fucking his brains out right now. Anybody who says they don’t have what it takes to rock needs to learn from this dude right here. I am in awe rock on! I should have filmed this. [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™, well, I am kind of disappointed that so many people celebrate the fact that METAL IS NOT DEAD and that some people carry a love of metal into quite an old age. They celebrate that bands like Voivod are in their 50s and AUGURY are in their 40s and still kicking strong and stuff like this. Well, if you are anything else than an ANGRY TEENAGER, that means that you have brain problems. Even more worrisome about the latter case is that the singer is a teacher in high school and my cousin had him. It is not something to celebrate. [BLEEP!]

F Hi guys. I just wanted everybody to know I’ll be leaving my home tonight and I’m wearing CLOTHES, but will be bringing my vagina and breasts with me. I’ve been very careful to keep them well-covered, though, so hopefully that’s enough to keep me from being RAPED. I hope I don’t reveal too much because I’d hate for you guys to be powerless against your sexual urges. Really sorry for making you rape. Thanks everybody. [BLEEP!]

F I used to always love this time of year, when it finally THAWED and everything started coming to life, but for some reason I’m not feeling it. I live off Roy and it just seems like my neighbourhood is more and more full of loud, annoying SCENESTERS ruining my warm, nights and the chance to finally open my windows with their loud SHRIEKING. I know I’m not getting old, so it must be the people getting more annoying. Don’t know why. If you’re reading this, though, and you’re one of those people who always makes noise between eleven pm and four in the morning in the neighbourhoods around St. Laurent Boulevard, then maybe think about what you’re doing. It’s one thing to scream and yell right outside the clubs, but once you’re off the strip, shut up please. People are trying to live a nice life. [BLEEP!}

M Yes, this is to report that the last Rant Line™ left me very hungry for GRILLED CHEESE and pizza. I have since eaten both those items and I am very pleased, but maybe a bit oilier and bit fatter and bit closer to a heart attack than I was before reading the Rant Line™. Also, if you check grilled cheese recipes online, there are people recommending a full FIVE MOTHERFUCKING SLICES or processed cheese. That’s a lot of slices and also maybe too many. Two should do you good. Five… too many. In the math measuring rules, five cheese slices is commonly known as “thick as a dick,” and that’s too many for a good grilled cheese sandwich. Anyway. Thanks for the dinner suggestions, Rant Line™. Anything for tonight? [BLEEP!]

M Hi. Since we’re being honest, my own cock is quite small. Embarrassingly small. But I’ve got a tongue like a WEED WACKER, and it’s batteries never run low. [BLEEP!]

F I want to say that I spend a lot of time doing something that you might know as ASTRAL TRAVEL, but which in fact has a name that I cannot pronounce in my current form, with my current physiology, as it requires PURE LIGHT to pronounce. It is through astral travel that I have seen the future and would like to express to some people the dangers they are facing, which can be altered, but not without some danger to myself and to my EARTH FORM. If you could please contact me I will give you some information that is imperative to the world finding its true meaning and for humans to find their true purpose, which is something both beautiful and terrible at once. But it is too dangerous for me to make this information widely available. Thank you and stay peaceful in your hearts. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M For the girl who woke up to a STOOP soaked with PUKE on St Pat’s, I think that might have been me. Not sure for sure, but I puked on somebody’s front steps. Sorry. Won’t happen again. [BLEEP!]

M Hello. I’m sitting here with my feet up and a BOWL, reflecting on my day and I keep thinking about something but I have nobody to talk to. So hi, Rant Line™, what’s up? I was walking today and I saw two PRIVATE SCHOOL GIRLS walking toward me, wearing private school girl KILTS and chitter-chatting away. And one of them, a young redhead with braids who couldn’t have been more than 14, was doing all the talking. So as I pass I hear her telling her friend, “All I know is I HATE EVERYONE.” So young! And already hate for everyone! It gave me hope. [BLEEP!]

M I FUCKING LLOOOOOVE MY NEW C.R.E.A.M HEADBAND! Cash rules everything around me, except this headband, which I got FREE in the pocket of a tiny girl’s coat. YEAH! [BLEEP!]

M Yo! This one’s out for the shawty who had her C.R.E.A.M. headband snatched off her. Listen. Why don’t you just get up on the Internet and rebuy that shit? Can’t be much to do it and the Internet has fucking everything you need. If you tight on it, and you want to meet up, I’ll pay for that shit for you. Don’t be down, girl. Sunny days coming! Peace [BLEEP!]

F Oh my God! Can you hear this? (Ed’s note: We could not). That’s a fucking BLARING SOUND SYSTEM. Blaring some SPEEDCORE. Listen… And you know where it is? Mounted on the back of a dude’s WHEELCHAIR. He’s controlling it with his mouth. The chair, I mean. Maybe the sound system, too. But he’s just motoring down the bike lane, maybe not even able to move a muscle, but he’s rocking it like a fucking bad-boy Stephen Hawking. My GOD. If his dick worked, I’d be fucking his brains out right now. Anybody who says they don’t have what it takes to fucking rock needs to learn from this dude right here. I am in awe Rock on! Fuck, I should have filmed this. [BLEEP!]

M Yes, this is to report that your last Rant Line™ left me very hungry for GRILLED CHEESE and pizza. I have since eaten both those items and I am very pleased, but maybe a bit oilier and bit fatter and bit closer to a heart attack than I was before reading the Rant Line™. Also, if you check grilled cheese recipes online, there are people recommending a full FIVE MOTHERFUCKING SLICES or processed cheese. That’s a lot of slices and also maybe too many. Two should do you good. Five… too many. In the math measuring rules, five cheese slices is commonly known as “thick as a dick,” and that’s too many for a good grilled cheese sandwich. Anyway. Thanks for the dinner suggestions, Rant Line™. Anything for tonight? [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, so I was listening to TSN 690 and heard Mitch Melnick talking about having to SAVE THE RADIO STATION, and thought WHAT? Because there was this thing last year where Bell wanted to buy another media company that was also huge and full of shit, and then they were going to make TSN 690 a French station. But then the CRTC told Bell that they couldn’t buy anything else because they already owned too fucking much. But now it seems Bell are trying to buy Astral and they want to be able to have all the English radio stations in Montreal, so they’re getting these dumb jocks to go on the radio and basically beg for their jobs and try to get all their dumb listeners to sign a petition. Well you know what? I actually LISTEN to this station, and if it has to be shut down to stop Bell from buying anything else, then SHUT THE THING DOWN. Everybody needs to get in touch with the CRTC now and tell them to tell Bell to keep on eating shit, because the last thing anybody needs is a company as EVIL as Bell owning everything. If Bell has to eat shit, the radio station will stay open anyway. It’s only if they don’t get told to eat shit that anybody has to worry. So get off your fat asses and tell Bell to EAT SHIT. Thank you so much for your support. [BLEEP!]

F I want to say that I spend a lot of time doing something that you might know as ASTRAL TRAVEL, but which in fact has a name that I cannot pronounce in my current form, with my current physiology, as it requires PURE LIGHT to pronounce. It is through astral travel that I have seen the future and would like to express to some people the dangers they are facing, which can be altered, but not without some danger to myself and to my EARTH FORM. If you could please contact me I will give you some information that is imperative to the world finding its true meaning and for humans to find their true purpose, which is something both beautiful and terrible at once. But it is too dangerous for me to make this information widely available. Thank you and stay peaceful in your hearts. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU!CALL 514-271-RANT (7268).

“edited” by AL SOUTH

F You know what makes Monday morning even worse? Waking up to find the sidewalk in front of your place covered in FROZEN PUKE. Thanks St Patrick’s Day, and thanks to the asshole who doesn’t know when he’s had too much to DRINK. Too bad you didn’t die choking on it instead of leaving it all over somebody’s goddamned HOME. [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™, well, I am kind of disappointed that so many people celebrate the fact that METAL IS NOT DEAD and that some people carry a love of metal into quite an old age. They celebrate that bands like Voivod are in their 50s and Augury are in their 40s and still kicking strong and stuff like this. Well, if you are anything else than an ANGRY TEENAGER, that means that you have brain problems. Even more worrisome about the latter case is that the singer is a teacher in high school and my cousin had him. It is not something to celebrate. [BLEEP!]

F Hi guys. I just wanted everybody to know I’ll be leaving my home tonight and I’m wearing CLOTHES, but will be bringing my vagina and breasts with me. I’ve been very careful to keep them well-covered, though, so hopefully that’s enough to keep me from being RAPED. I hope I don’t reveal too much because I’d hate for you guys to be powerless against your sexual urges. Really sorry for making you rape. Thanks everybody. [BLEEP!]

F I want to rant about these STUPID HUMANS in the buses and the metros. Take your KNAPSACKS off your backs. You stupid dummies. Take you knapsacks off your backs. I repeat, you stupid dummies. Take your knapsacks off your back. This means you, high school students, CEGEP, university, whatever. All you dumb-ass humans out there. Thank you. Goodbye. [BLEEP!]

M I’m sure that this is not an entirely Montreal-centric thing, but it’s gone on long enough. You people out there, men and ladies alike, who at some point, probably about 16 months ago, had your hair DYED bright blue or bright green. It was all bright and shiny and I’m sure you were proud of it. But now, after all that time, it kind of looks like SEWER WATER. I’m fucking dead certain no one chooses sewer water as their hair colour, no matter how crusty a punk you are. So it is time to cut the hair, book the appointment, get a fixer-upper. Shave your head, I don’t know. And another colour that is really disgusting is dead pink. It looks like you’ve got MISS PIGGY’S PLACENTA hanging out of your hair. So cut it, re-colour it, do something. But stopping walking around with a fucking sewer head. [BLEEP!]

F This is a rant for the cocksucker who stole my jacket yesterday at a faithful bar that I go to a lot on THE STRIP. I enjoy this bar, and you are ruining it for me. Now I have to forcefully feed myself an entire bag of FUZZY PEACHES to feel better. And the worst part is that it’s not the jacket I’m worried about. There was a really cool HEADBAND in there, that said C.R.E.A.M. on it, as in cash-rules-everything-around-me C.R.E.A.M. And I really liked it and I will probably never see it again, because you’re a fucking douchebag, somebody who is definitely not homeless, who steals a PETITE GIRL’S coat. Like what the fuck? You suck. You’re awful. Terrible. I hate you. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, where is everybody? It’s my BIRTHDAY and I thought I was going to be surprised with a surprise party, but nobody asked me to do anything tonight at all. I’m home alone and it’s almost nine o’clock! Great way to turn 25. My friends are so useless and they know exactly who they are, so thanks guys. I guess I’ll go eat PIZZA in front of the TV. Thanks. [BLEEP]

M Yeah, it’s very late at night. Or maybe it’s early in the morning. I never got that. Is it night or morning? Anyway, I was out tonight and had a great time, had some pops, smoked some pot, talked to some girls. Then I’m walking home and pass some guy and he looks at me and he says, “Mmmm… GRILLED CHEESE.” Now that’s all I’m thinking about. And I think this guy was just saying “mmm grilled cheese” to everyone he walked by, like, screwing with their heads, knowing that they were going to be ready to kill somebody for some grilled cheese sandwiches for the rest of the night. I do not have grilled cheese just ready to go in my house, but from now on you can be sure I will. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL (514) 271-RANT (7268)

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Shout out to all my fellow St. Patrick Day revellers, who like to hit the bars and drink GREEN BEER until they puke. It’s only once a year, guys, so let’s make it count. Together we can be the most obnoxious drunk morons to ever get out on St Patrick’s Day! Also, didn’t one of the PARADE QUEENS pop a tit one year? I sort of remember that happening, but maybe I’m confused. Or was that at Carafiesta? But that’s not the point. The point is happy St. Patrick’s Day! [BLEEP]

F Yes, hi. I just want to say something to to the guy who had taken issue with what he called FROGS from FRANCE. You’re ignorance is very apparent in that name. They are not frogs from France, as you called them. They’re called PONCY assholes. Let’s keep things accurate here. [BLEEP!]

M Why the fuck wouldn’t I call cops PIGS? If you’re an animal that rolls in dirt and garbage, and you shove your way around like a dumb clueless beast by beating on people and shoving a stick in everyone’s face thinking you can do what you want because some other asshole let you have a badge and gun, then you’re a PIG. OINK OINK OINK! [BLEEP!]

F Hey, I have a question for you. What’s with people who buy PETS even though they aren’t going to be around to take care of it? A friend of mine asked me if I’d watch his CAT if he got one and I told him no way and don’t get a cat. But you know what? He got a cat. Now he’s all, like, I need you to watch my cat. But I told you no. It’s IRRESPONSIBLE, is what. Don’t buy a pet if you’re not available to look after it. A real animal lover knows that already. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

F I used to always love this time of year, when it finally THAWED and everything started coming to life, but for some reason I’m not feeling it. I live off Roy and it just seems like my neighbourhood is more and more full of loud, annoying scenesters ruining my warm, nights and the chance to finally open my windows with their loud SHRIEKING. I know I’m not getting old, so it must be the people getting more annoying. Don’t know why. If you’re reading this, though, and you’re one of those people who always makes noise between eleven pm and four in the morning in the neighbourhoods around St. Laurent Boulevard, then maybe think about what you’re doing. It’s one thing to scream and yell right outside the clubs, but once you’re off the strip, shut up please. People are trying to live a nice life. [BLEEP!}

M Hello Rant Line™. For the record, I’m making this call while ON THE CLOCK, as they say in the business world. Or at least they say it where I work, where we just all got letters about making personal phonecalls and Facebooking while quote-unquote on the clock. And so technically, I’m currently getting paid to rant to you, which is kind of awesome, except I’m getting paid so little that I’d have to keep this rant going for a full day or so to make it really worth anybody’s while. Which is the point of my rant. If you’re a huge corporation and you’re paying people—ike serious employees integral to the company’s functioning—a pissy few bucks an hour, and then on top of that you decide you’re not only going to pay them shit but also treat them like shit? Well, don’t be too surprised when those people decide to do as little as possible for their money. And maybe don’t be surprised when your four-year-old laptops are disappearing, or office supplies, or anything else that can help save a few bucks from the living expenses of your average under-fucking-paid 25-year-old. Because that’s what ten fucking bucks an hour gets you. How’s that revelation strike you as a good use of company time? [BLEEP!]

M Hi. Since we’re being honest, my own cock is quite small. Embarrassingly small. But I’ve got a tongue like a WEED WACKER, and it’s batteries never run low. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, hi. Thanks for the big cock update, bro. While we’re sharing, I have a tight, soft vagina. Hope you don’t mind a little HERPES. [BLEEP]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL (514) 271-RANT (7268)

“edited” by AL SOUTH

ON THE STREETS IN CULTMTL!

F Jesus Christ, guy. MANOWAR? That’s some weak-ass fucking metal, dude. Let me know when you get some hair on your SACK. [BLEEP!]

M This is to the guy who called and said he was too old for metal now, but then a rant about METAL and FANTASY got him listening to Manowar again. Look, dude, a couple of things. One, you are never too old for metal. Never. Not until you drop dead onstage, or someone finds you dead in a Las Vegas hotel room with a stripper and a BIG BAG OF COKE. Well, that would be John Entwistle, not really metal, although his bass playing influenced metal. But anyway, you are never too old. Accept it. And two, now that you have accepted it—stop listening to Manowar! There is a lot of good metal besides Manowar. I should not have to tell you that. And there is a lot of good metal right now—of all different types. But do yourself a favour, go heck out Pallbearer, on the Profound Lore label. Check out Gorguts, from right here in Quebec, and also Voivod—still going strong. Check out Watain, from Sweden, that will give you some fantasies. I could go on, but you get the point. Metal will not die, and you should listen to it until you die. That’s it. [BLEEP!]

F To the guy who keeps calling policemen PIGS. You’re fucking annoying. [BLEEP!]

F I get that people hate hipsters and think the guys with IDIOTIC MOUSTACHES are ridiculous—and they pretty much are for sure—but I also think telling people to kill themselves is pretty dumb. You don’t know how many of those people maybe are actually thinking of killing themselves. It’s kind of obvious that a lot of these hipsters have zero self-esteem, because why else would they try to make sure they’re identical in every way to every other hipster in the world? And then they read that people are actually encouraging them to commit suicide? I’m sorry, but it’s pretty INSENSITIVE and not at all very funny. I don’t think suicide is ever the right choice and I also don’t think joking about it is ever humorous. Thanks for your time. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, it’s a good idea for the FACIAL-HAIR HIPSTERS to all KILL THEMSELVES. But you know what else would be good? If before they killed themselves, they took down a few of the fucking assholes who think putting an UMLAUT in the name of their business makes them stand-out as somehow cool. Usually anyone who knows the first thing about umlauts immediately notices that your business name sounds nothing like the way you’re pronouncing it, because you don’t know the first fucking thing about how an umlaut changes VOWEL PRONUNCIATION. It’s on the same level of idiocy as calling your bar the whatever-HAUS. [BLEEP!]

M My dick is in fact quite BIG. What’s the fuss? [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this is the Pipe Warming Guy with a shout out to the Pipe Warming Girl. Why haven’t you gotten back to me? You still game, or what? And fuck you, Rant Line™, for saying no to helping us hook up! Hope you don’t ever need anything from me, bro. [BLEEP!]

M Hey that guy who called in about summer coming and it being time to see some TITTIES reminded me of something. Wasn’t there a call in going last year where everyone was saying there should be tits up on the Rant Line™ site since we all like to see them? I mean, even the women I know are all about titties and always saying, like, “Whoah! Check ou her tits!” So it’s not just a dude thing. People like tits. Are you going to post some? Maybe instead of phoning in rants, you could have it so people can email in their TITSHOTS. Just thinking out loud here. Hope it happens, though. [BLEEP!]

M I have a question—what is it with all the FROGS here in Montreal now? I am not talking about the French Quebecers, everyone knows we all love them. I am talking about frogs from FRANCE. In my neighbourhood, condos are going up and frogs are moving in. Why are they moving here? What are they doing? And they are fucking annoying to look at, man. I saw one guy the other day, it was a snowstorm, a typical Quebec snowstorm, and he was going down the street in a suit jacket and dress shoes. Ugly suit and dress shoes, I might add. And he was acting like this was normal. He was acting like he wasn’t even cold. I am fucking surprised he was not wearing a BERET. For fuck’s sakes, if you are going to pretend to live here, get some proper goddamned winter clothes. Or better still, go back to France. Why did you leave there in the first place? [BLEEP!]

M I love that this guy is in love with the Rant Line™—that I love and respect. But if you ever read the Rant Line™ on my computer, pour honey on it, lick it off under the moonlight, you’ll be birthing Rant Babies™ all right. They’ll come out in the form of SHOES, delivered through your ANAL PASSAGE. But as long as you just love the Rant Line™ in your head, that’s okay. You can even jerk off to this. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL (514) 271-RANT (7268)

“edited” by AL SOUTH

 M Let me  say this bro. I’m too old now and don’t listen to any music, let alone METAL. But then I read the Rant Line™ and saw that guy talking about metal and FANTASY I thought, fuck, man—MANOWAR. And now I can’t stop fucking listening to Manowar again and I haven’t listened to them in seriously over a decade! And they’re fucking touring! Let’s get Manowar to Montreal this summer! [BLEEP!]

F While we’re on the subject of CASHIERS, let me get this one out there— didn’t there used to be a time the cashier would pack your bags for you? Or some PIMPLY teenage boy would pack your bags? Now it’s just, “Do you need a bag?” And if you say yes, they toss you a plastic bag, or if they so no they toss you nothing, and hurry through ringing up the items while you struggle to pack, get money out, get change, and then they’re moving right on to the next person, shuffling all the other person’s EGGS and whatever at you to make it more clear that you’re taking too much time getting your crap packed up. Meanwhile, all the assholes in line are like glaring at you. It’s seriously a nerve-wracking affair to go to the supermarket these days. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, you know what’s more ironic than ironic FACIAL HAiR? Sucking my salty balls, you piece of shit douche hipster. Seriously. You’re pathetic. Kill yourselves. [BLEEP!}

F I’m just curious on what planet is suspension WITH pay a punishment? I mean, I don’t know if everyone saw it, this YouTube thing of the guy in Trois-Rivieres who was beaten—I mean seriously assaulted without any reason—by the cops, and they were all suspended with pay! By my definition, not working but still getting paid, that’s a VACATION. So these four animals, who beat the shit out of this guy, they lie to their supervisors about how he was threatening them. Then the video gets out and it shows this guy lying on the ground, basically saying, “Okay, I’m just going to lay here so you can arrest me,” and then these fucking animals start ripping him apart. And their supervisors are like, “Oh, well they clearly lied and were clearly wrong, so we’ll let them take some time off to think about their actions while we conduct an investigation. And while they’re off for being animals, we’ll just keep right on paying them their salaries.” I understand a full investigation or whatever has to be done, but let them sit home with no money and an ELECTRONIC SHACKLE on their ankles while they wait. If me and my friends beat the crap out of a guy,  we wouldn’t be told to go on home and relax while the cops looked into it. Amazing. And did you hear about the girl out west who called the cops because she was raped and then they found some outstanding warrant and threw her in a jail cell for the week-end—just raped and without medical care? And this whole RCMP scandal, being accused of terrorizing aboriginal women for years? Psychopaths with badges. They don’t deserve our respect and they sure don’t deserve paid vacation as punishment. [BLEEP!]

M Won’t be long now. All the snow will be gone and the nights will be warm. The birds will sing in the trees and the drink will flow and life will return to Montreal. And then we’ll all get to see some TITTIES. [BLEEP!]

F Yeah, keep up the awesome RACISM, Rant Line™. You were sort of getting side-tracked and maybe a little heavy on the sexism, so it’s great you found some time to up your racist content, too. It’s what the world needs more of. Racism. And I’m being sarcastic, in case you didn’t know, so…. okay. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. I have a question that maybe you can give me the answer to. Why do all your ranters always make claims to have such BIG DICKS? For example, a few weeks ago someone mentioned sucking a big throbbing cock. Are callers more likely to have big cocks and that makes their brains smaller, or are their brains small so they don’t know how to measure their cocks, and they just assume it’s big? Or are they just all liars? Maybe they do all have big dicks, but it seems more likely to me they’ve got little dicks and that’s why they call you to complain instead of BEING A MAN and dealing with their shit maturely. Maybe I’m wrong but I don’t think so. [BLEEP!]

M Rant Line™! You are my love and my sweetest thing! Rant Line™, I like to read you and I like to cover you in honey and lick it off of you under the stars and the moon! Rant Line™, don’t you ever go and be something you’re not because you’re already everything to me! Oh, Rant Line™ my beautiful Rant Line™, I hope one day we can meet and make rant BABIES from sex! Tell me you won’t leave me, my beautiful Rant Line™! [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL (514) 271-RANT (7268)

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Yeah, about that Sam Dunn comment. I don’t think that guy who called knows what METAL is all about. It is rock music made specifically for the NERD. The whole thing is spun around a backdrop of fantasy-lit imagery. How many metal CDs don’t look like they were designed by a FRANK FRAZETTA fan-boy? Here’s a test for you—go ask any metalhead what MITHRIL is and watch him bust his nut. Yeah, the political people had punk. The nerds have metal. It’s how it goes. [BLEEP!]

M Hi! This rant is for the cashier at Provigo whose three-inch, glittery GREEN FINGERNAILS ripped open my fucking hand while she gave me my change today. Seriously. I was bleeding and everything, because her nails cut me open! Maybe that’s not the sort of manicure you want when you have a job like cashiering, or hand-jobbing or anything that might involve your dagger nails coming in close contact to anyone else. I don’t know if it’s some sort of GIRL GANG thing or what, but lady, you ain’t all that. Cut your fucking nails. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, I’m the guy who sent the shout out to the Princess with the Frozen Pipes. Glad you’re in! You won’t be disappointed. Where do you want to hook up? Rant Line™, any chance I can give you my contact info to pass on privately? [Ed’s reply: No] [BLEEP!]

M I just saw a poster for a missing animal on a lamppost, heartbreaking to see that stuff. It was a photo of a fairly DAPPER looking TERRIER and a regal looking owner, and the contact information happened to mention that the dog’s name is GUSTAV. So I thought, maybe the dog ran away to a house where they are going to treat him like a dog, and not like a 19^th century French schoolboy! So if somebody out there has a nice new terrier named Trixie or something, good on you. But you might find that it really likes FOIE GRAS. [BLEEP!]

F Hey. I dunno, but I find it a little weird that the whole French/English war started up again in the Rant Line™ and then, like out of nowhere, the OQLF goes and tries to wage war on the word PASTA. It’s like you guys had a heads-up on it, like pre-breaking news or something. Or maybe they read the Rant Line™, and that got them going? But yeah, what did we learn? The somehow Buona-fucking-Notte, that pseudo-celebrity shit trap, is still around, that the OQLF is still a joke, and that the Rant Line™ is still awesome. Good one, guys! [BLEEP]

M This is for all the people who are flipping out about GRIFFINTOWN. Has anyone done their homework on Griffintown, as to what has happened here from the beginning of the century, meaning the 1900s, the late 1800s, to the 50s, 60s, maybe even the 70s? This place was completely a WAREHOUSE. It was EMPTY. There was nobody down here! And now everybody wants to rent down here. They’re building condos all over the place. And now there are all the PRETTY CARS, the little yuppie mobiles. And everybody’s going, “Yay Griffintown!” Nobody knows what’s in the ground. Nobody knows what’s in the dirt from digging up the metros and filling in the Guy basins. Because nobody knows what the Guy basins are. Nobody knows that there were DEAD HORSES back here. Nobody does their homework. So for all you yuppies going, “Oh, I want to buy a house in Griffintown,” do the homework, bitches. And to all you yuppies from Toronto, stay in Toronto! Learn how to speak French, for chrissakes, our country is bilingual. And you know, Griffintown—it’s the rut, it’s the rut. [BLEEP!]

F Is it possible that the guy who said Montreal is run by the Jews doesn’t know what a Jew is? Because I look around and I don’t see a lot of evidence to back him up. [BLEEP!]

M I fucking KNEW this city was run by Jews! [BLEEP!]

M Well, well! Look who went and got herself arrested! Old Bulldyke 728. I wonder if she enjoyed being on the other end of the fucking stick, although I’m sure she didn’t get the same fucking beat-down and NAZI TACTICS that the PIGS used against peaceful protestors last summer. It’s worth saying that the pigs didn’t give much of two fucks when that vile thing was using excessive force against the common citizen, but then the instantly shit their blue pants and go crying to the judge when she said something scary to one of their own. I guess they all think they might have another CHRISTOPHER DORNER situation on their hands, except that Dorner had his life ruined by other pigs, while 728 is just a cunt. And what does she get for her threats against another pig? Psychiatric evaluation and told to stay away from the other pigs. Let me save you some tax money—she doesn’t need evaluation because she’s a crazy, tightly-wound bitch of a woman who never should have been allowed to wear the uniform. Which is the case for so many of our Montreal pigs. 728 isn’t the rotten core of the corps. She’s just the fucking YouTube sensation that they feel they need to do something about. Fuck the police! (BLEEP)

F Hi, I just want to say that Officer 728 in no way represents all LESBIANS. Most of us are peace-loving and normal, not angry psychopaths. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL (514) 271-RANT (7268)

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Cheers, Rant Line™. I got two rants this week. RIP Machine Gun Lentil, best bass player in Montreal in the 80s. And also, has anybody seen this guy SAM DUNN. He has all these metal documentaries. Why is he such a NERD? I mean, for somebody who listens to such bone-crunching music, you figure he’d be a bit more NOT A GEEK! The guy’s a freaking nerd! [BLEEP!]

 M Ok, so as a member of the FOOD AND SERVICE INDUSTRY, I gotta say, I’m a little bit tired of all you fucking idiots. You fucking slack-jawed mouth-breathing YOKELS sitting around in my restaurant way after hours. You know, other people have to clean up after you assholes. Has it ever occurred to you that the kitchen may want to close? That the people working there may want to go home to their respective loved ones? I don’t think it has! Otherwise you wouldn’t be sitting around CAMPING on my ass. Thank you very much for your time. Have a nice day. [BLEEP!]

M I have a question. Why do francophone cashiers, especially in depanneurs and low-rent grocery stores—I guess it’s a folksy thing—why are they always saying c’est un GROS cinq et quatre-vingt-quinze? What’s even worse is when they gun it in English. “There you go that’s a BIG five and ninety-one.” It’s like translating an expression that just doesn’t work. Can someone explain this to me? [BLEEP!]

M Hello Rant Line™. This in response to the rant concerning reversing signs in French to fuck up English people. For Christ’s sake, Montreal has been both English and French and YIDDISH and everything else in between for 150 years, if not more. Get real! I know you come from Chicoutimi and you don’t know the real world, but you know what? Move to Paris. You want to live in a place that speaks just French, move to Paris. Otherwise, you get used the fact that you live in god damn beautiful glorious Montreal. Get used to English! Learn it and live with it. Thank you very much. And also, everyone in Quebec should know that Montreal was built by the Scots, managed by the English and run by the Jews. For fuck sakes, Montreal is more akin to New York City. New York is not representative of small town Minnesota! Montreal should not be represented by a small-town suburban place like Quebec city. I hope you guys edit this properly to make me not sound like a drunk asshole. Thank you Rant Line™, I love you. [BLEEP!]

M Yo, I liked it better in the OLD SCHOOL when the rants used to be printed in the paper, but then I guess motherfuckers became too cheap to invest in INK, or the ink price shot through the roof. Anyways, this digital shit, when the power goes down, no one is going to be able to read nothing! Digital shit! Digi, digi, digi—stuck to your ass like a Victoria’s Secret WEDGIE. Fuck that! Peace. [BLEEP!]

F Ok, so what’s up with guys who you are not even going out with DUMPING YOU on Facebook? It says, “Hey, I am really sorry to be doing this by Facebook but it seems like the only way of communicating with you at the moment. I spent a lot of time thinking about stuff over the last couple of weeks and I realize that I am not over my ex-girlfriend and I’m really not comfortable going out with you. I know this must really suck and I am very sorry.” FUCk YOU. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, I’ve been having SEX, really awesome sex with this dude who has KIDS—two kids from two different women. And you know what? If I got pregnant I wouldn’t even know what to do. I know that I wouldn’t have an ABORTION though. Xl, xl. [BLEEP!]

F Hi this is to the guy who would like me to show him how to keep it PIPING HOT. Yea sure, why not. I’m in. [BLEEP!]

F I want a man who can pull off a RATTAIL in 2013. [BLEEP!]

M Guys, what the fuck? Let me tell you this story. I always walk around downtown with my INFANT, and every time one of those DRUNK native junkies that camp down there says, “Oh! What a cute baby!” I smile and say thank you and keep walking. Well no fucking lie, I just walked by one of the guys I always walk by and I swear what he said was, “Oh, what a cute baby—I’m going to KILL that fucking baby.” And I smiled and said thank you and kept walking, but after a few seconds I thought, “Wait. What the fuck?” I mean, I didn’t feel threatened, and I’m pretty sure I could have dropped the dick if it came to that and if he could even have stood up to try anything, but is that fucking insane? You know? Should I even put up with that shit just because his brain was blitzed on whatever street-grade shit he got his hands on? I’m down with all this Idle No More, but seriously—SOBER the fuck up and watch what you say. Shit, just leaving this fucking rant has got me fucking angry again. I might go back there and kick the fucker’s ass. It’s my baby, for fuck’s sake! Fuck I’m mad. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL (514) 271-RANT (7268)

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M What’s with these coats that women are walking around in these days that look like VAGINAS? You, the ones with a big fur rim around the hoods that come down to like the middle of their tits? It looks like a big muff, au naturel. Is that supposed to be stylish? They’re god awful. So long. [BLEEP!]

F Yeah, Crispy Brazilian ranter, I don’t think the Great White fire and this one are the same sort of thing. The Kiss club had LOOMING TRAGEDY written all over it. People crushed in, total disregard for anything close to regulations. Like much of Brazil, actually. And the bouncers weren’t letting people out once the fire started, and probably everyone was fucked out of their minds on COCAINE. Great White—that was fucking idiocy. This is some criminal negligence in Brazil. Keep dancing, freaks. [BLEEP!]

M I’m calling because I can’t stop thinking about something. I was reading on the bus the other day, and I glance over and see something shiny on the ground. Shiny, but it was filthy from winter shit. So I look closer and figure out it’s a pair of EARBUDS just laying there. Nobody around them who they might belong to. They were obviously a pair of LOST earbuds. Not the shitty cheap ones Apple gives you for the million fucking dollars you pay for a fucking iPhone, either. These looked pretty good, okay… black and silver. Anyway, I wanted to pick them up, but then a bunch of people got on the bus and I didn’t want to look like a dick by getting up to pick earbuds out of the SLUSHY FILTH of the bus floor. But now I can’t stop thinking about them. I even looked on the Future Shop site to see if I could spot ones that looked like that, and I think they might have been Monster Jamz, which are, like, $150 earbuds. So that’s two people who are out some sweet earbuds. Me and whoever lost them in the first place. Why didn’t I just pick them up? That’s what pride gets you. Too big to be seen picking earbuds out of the dirt? Fuck yourself. No Monster Jamz, yo. Hope someone else got ’em. [BLEEP!]

F Hi, I just want to remind DOG owners that the unbearable cold these days is just as unbearable for our little canine friends, and the salt on the streets makes it even more miserable on their little feet, so let’s make sure to put boots on the dogs, and coats, or at least some VASELINE on their paws before they go out walking. Most dogs do not like cold, so unless you have a breed that does, keep their comfort and health in mind when you go out for your walks. Thanks everyone! Bye-bye. [BLEEP!]

M Listen, I didn’t say I was looking for an ANTI-SEMITIC FRIEND. I said I was looking for someone who could stand the odd anti-Semitic comment. A good-natured joke between buds, you know? And I don’t think I need you chiming in via the Rant Line™ to condemn me for wanting to hang out with people who can take a fucking joke! Just because you make a joke it doesn’t mean you’re actually a RACIST. Some things are funny just because of their STUPIDNESS. Like if I suggest you’re a dumb bitch, I’m not a woman-hater. You could just be a dumb bitch. Which isn’t really a joke, but it seems pretty fucking true. And Rant Line™, thanks for letting every idiot in the world get their stupid comments about everything published instead of letting a good rant stand on its own merits. But the other guy was right. Craigslist has become a Police State and I thank you for your support. [BLEEP!]

F I think I HATE EVERYBODY WHO CALLS THE RANT LINE™! Seriously. What a bunch of low-class degenerates you attract. Doesn’t anyone with a brain ever call you, or do you just not print those because you don’t think they’re cool enough?

M Man, you guys are the fucking best! Every week I come to see what sort of comedy you have and I am never disappointed. Keep it up! You’re the best! [BLEEP!]

M Hello, lady with the FROZEN PIPES. I have a frozen pipe, too. Let’s get together and talk about ways to keep my pipe hot. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL (514) 271-RANT (7268)