“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Will somebody please tell that douchebag DJ at CKUT to stop fucking TALKING over the songs. That motherfucker has me yelling at the radio while I’m in my car as he talks over the first 30 seconds of every song. Fuck you! [BLEEP!]

F Hi, this is for SOME GUY who walked out of a Pizza Pizza on Friday night, threw his pizza at the garbage and then walked away. I just wanted to let you know that whatever made you so mad, it’s not worth it. And you seemed quite INEBRIATED. So don’t worry about it. Someone LOVES you. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M Ok I am walking down the Main, it’s 3 am. What am I supposed to be? Am I supposed to be a TRIPPING Rastafarian looking at these BAD LIGHTS that they put up on either side of the street? [BLEEP!]

M Wait—someone is saying the Gazette isn’t any good? That the Montreal Gazette published POOR QUALITY material? That the motherfucking Montreal Gazette may not be the BEST NEWSPAPER ever? Oh my sweet serious fucking God! What an earth-shattering expose on the state of the media in Montreal! Next you’ll be telling us that CJAD is a sack of shit! Or that—could you even fucking imagine?—CHOM sucks a BAG OF COCKS. Anyway, keep up the hate towards the Montreal Gazette, but, fuck me, dude. It ain’t news to anyone that they’re shit. Thank you so much. [BLEEP!]

F I know it’s called the RANT Line™, but why does everyone who calls you have to be so angry all the time? Maybe you should encourage people to call you to talk about the BEAUTIFUL things that happen to them. Instead of saying they hate this or got robbed or saw something they hate, they can talk about seeing a person give up their seat on the Metro, or someone holding a door open. Or they saw a particularly beautiful TREE on such-and-such street. It might work wonders for everyone’s spirit and morale. Anyway, you’ll probably delete this message, but I wanted to at least speak my feelings. Peace and love and happiness! [BLEEP!]

F Hey there! Why is there so much talk about fucking and needing to get fucked and wanting to get fucked on the Rant Line™ these days? Sounds to me like a city suffering from some intense SEXUAL FRUSTRATION. How very un-Quebecois! Aren’t we supposed to be the loosest, most sexually-open province in Canada? I am shocked! Maybe a bit of quiet masturbation will take the edge off. Better than coming and screaming about it all here, don’t you think? [BLEEP!]

F I just want to say that without the Rant Line™ I’d never crack a smile. Like I mean fucking never. [BLEEP!]

M I saw the Rant Line™ retro flashback to 1997 and I wondered, what ever became of GOTH GIRL. Is she Goth Mom now? Or Goth Bank Teller, still painting her nails black? Also, did that chick ever fuck the lead singer from Hansen? And where are all the muff-diving lesbian crack-whores now? It’s cool that you put up the old rants, but it’d be even cooler if some of the people who did the ranting checked in to give us a status report on how things turned out all these years later. Ciao. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. I just wanted to give the sister who called in about OLD GUY CAPS a bit of info. If what you’re talking about is what I’m thinking about, they’re called Pub Caps, and are a spin on Ivy Caps, which were made of heavier fabrics, like wool. They were a UK staple a long time ago, so probably the old guys you see wearing them are old English or Irish or Welsh guys, who think they’re hanging on to a bit of their heritage. SKINHEADS used to wear them. Maybe they still do. And I’ve seen hipsters wearing them too, but I don’t know if it’s because they’re balding or just dumb Irishmen. The cheaper, shitty ones are Pub Caps and can look like real crap because of the cheap fabrics and usually ugly colours. Anyway, they’re usually only found on the heads of the Celtic people and their wannabe fans, but yeah, they’re pretty bad hats. [BLEEP!]

M Hello Rant Line™. I woke up today—the first day of the first vacation I’ve taken in two years—to find some sort of crew digging a TRENCH about 10 feet from my bay window, and I do not understand how shit like this happens. Shouldn’t Hydro or Bell or whoever the fuck these guys are working for have told me they’d be coming to dig a trench? Shouldn’t the asshole I’m renting this place from have been told, and then told me? Instead, I have all the construction guys out there, smoking and chortling and grunting and shit, and I’m supposed to what? Just go about my business? Well, I’ll tell you what I’m going to do, since they all seem so keen on gawking into my home anyway, is I’m going to stand in the bay window in a TOWEL until I’m sure they’ve noticed me, and then I’m going to drop the towel and slowly jerk off. And that, Rant Line™, is how you deal with this sort of shit. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268).

“edited” by AL SOUTH

F Hi. This is for the person who called asking about where all the guys are who love Springsteen. Well, I think they’re in jail, or fixing a CAR BATTERY or something. Okay. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, you know what? This is the guy who called about Halloween sluts and Halloween puritans and shit, and you know something? Fuck yourselves, okay? Sorry if I hit on a topic that everyone else already talked about, but I didn’t realize I was calling the New Submissions in the Category of Editorial Excellence Line™, so if I repeated something you read in fucking Vice or saw on John Stewart, suck my balls. It doesn’t mean I hate women because I comment on how they slut it up for Halloween! And as a matter of fact, I DID get laid. It was with Slutty Marine Girl. OORAH, bitches! {BLEEP!]

M What’s wrong with BANJOS? I’ve wanted to play the banjo since I was a kid but nobody ever took me SERIOUSLY. I finally bought one when I started making enough money to buy things like banjos but now I never have time to even think about it. It just sits there making me SAD that I can’t play it. But I love the banjo. Banjo is fucking awesome! Expand your tastes, yo. ]BLEEP!]

M Hi. I just read this thing about a guy in Ontario who’s in a VEGETATIVE STATE, but doctors have found a way of communicating with him by reading his brain waves and interpreting what he’s trying to say. I’m just wondering if he just keeps asking them, “So what do you plan to do about this vegetative state? Are you guys really doing all you can?” I’m pretty sure that’s what I’d be saying. [BLEEP!]

F Hey Rant Line™. There’s a guy at my work who I’d been crushing on since I started here in August, and now he’s grown the most ridiculous MOUSTACHE for this MOVEMBER thing and it makes me want to CRY. It’s really not cool to grow a moustache. Not for any reason. Somebody needs to come here and hold him down and shave his face because now every time I look at him I just about burst into tears. [BLEEP!]

F I just wanted to call in and say how nice it is that there’s no HOCKEY. Makes it worth going out again. For a while there, hockey was something people went to a sports bar to watch, but the past few years it seems any place that has tables and chairs and a menu sees the need to also have TVs showing hockey games. No hockey is a great treat and we should all CHERISH this time. I hope it doesn’t come back in time to ruin Christmas! Thanks! [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™. I know this might be a subject close to your hearts since you were once in the newspaper business before you got FIRED by QUEBECOR. See, the Gazette published this headline that said “Man found dead in alley, police say.” I think that’s pretty BAD JOURNALISM right there. Are they trying to say maybe a man wasn’t found dead in an alley, and they’re covering their asses by saying “or at least that’s what the police say?” Was a man dead in the alley or not, for fuck’s sake. [BLEEP!]

F What is up with OLD GUYS and those CAPS they wear? I am talking about really old guys. I’m not sure what era those caps are from, but they are a very old style. You know the ones I mean. And whenever I am in my car driving behind someone who is driving very slowly, or is being super cautious but is about to do something stupid, when I get beside them and look into their car, it as an old guy wearing one of those caps! But now, even weirder, I am starting to see some YOUNG GUYS wearing those caps! They look ridiculous! I suspect they are going bald, but they are too old to keep wearing a baseball hat, and they aren’t hipsters, so they don’t want to wear a FEDORA hat, so instead they think it will be cool if they wear an old guy cap. And so they wear it everywhere, all the time. And I guess they think they are looking cool, and that nobody suspects for even one second that they are going bald. But instead what is happening is that when people look at them wearing an old guy cap, all they do is imagine their bald head underneath the cap! They go, is he totally bald? Or does he have some hair left? What kind of bald is it? How much hair is there? But also you know what, I don’t know where a person would even buy a cap like that! The Bay? Ogilvy’s? Is there an old guy cap store that I don’t know about? [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268).

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M What up Rant Line™, so happy to see that you are still there. My rant today focuses on Mumford & Sons. I cannot stand them. I cannot believe that Montreal’s only rock station, CHOM FM, is playing this crap. There are BANJOS on it, for chrissakes. That’s not rock. That’s a frickin’ bluegrass song—being played on CHOM! I cannot believe this and it’s gotta stop. Bring back some real heavy music on CHOM and stop playing this MILQUETOAST. Please. [BLEEP!]

F Hey Halloween Slut STALKER—hope you had a great night creeping out those of us who didn’t consider the idea that we were going out to put on a show for you and and the LITTLE ZOMBIE PEE-PEE that controls so much of your lonely life. Get fucked, loser. Maybe it’ll help you deal with your misogyny better. [BLEEP!]

M To the Halloween Guy looking for SLUTS. Dude, first of all, you sound like a WOMAN HATER. Secondly, this Halloween of all Halloweens was the year when everybody with a mouth had to point out that slutty costume thing. This debate never stops! Women and sluttiness. I’m a dude and I like a REVEALING OUTFIT as much as the next dude, but fucking let it go. I’ll also add that every lame writer in North America and beyond has had their say about it. Get over it. And what about all the douchebags who dress day-to -day just to get laid, as if there GREASE is going to attract women? Halloween versus 365 of greasy douchebags. And then the stupid question about the modest girl—is she the slut? Dude, you hate women. Good luck ever getting laid. [BLEEP!]

M Hey what’s up Rant Line™. I’m totally DRINKING with my boss right now. It’s a blast. [BLEEP!]

F Hey Rant Line™, where are all the guys who love SPRINGSTEEN as much as I do? [BLEEP!]

F I just wanted to let everyone know that there is indeed STILL AIDS. It’s out there and it’s waiting to kill you. But it was too hard to make money off of AIDS. People were hesitant of giving money to charities trying to find a cure for AIDS because of all the sex and needles required to get it. They tried to make it all sad by talking about AIDS babies for a while, but the public didn’t bite, so they just stopped trying to sell AIDS altogether, and went back to selling CANCER. Oh! The Cancer Bogey Man will get you! Donate now! Give us ALL your MONEY so we can fight cancer! Yeah. The only diseases that get talked about are those promoted by the INDUSTRIES that can profit from people being scared of them. No way to make money off it, no discussion. That’s how it works. But, yeah. Stay away from AIDS, because until there’s AIDS-covered cancer that you can get from eating processed foods, nobody will do anything about it. It’s a little sad, actually. [BLEEP!]

F So it’s Saturday night here and I’m staying home because I’m a bit FLU-ISH, and there is absolutely nothing on TV. So I’m forced to watch Gossip Girl in FRENCH. But you know what’s the worst part? What the hell is with the French commercials? I mean, all commercials are dumb, usually, but this is like a whole new world of dumb commercials that I’m scared to think someone thinks are supposed to be funny. I’m proud to say I’m Canadian when it comes to talking about Canadian comedy. It’s usually clever, maybe a little HIGHBROW. But this Quebecois stuff is a far shot from that. Take some time and watch French television, and pay attention to the commercials, and you’ll see what I mean. Embarrassing. Thanks for your time, guys. (bleep)

M Am I the only one who walks by a No Parking sign—the ones with the BIG P with a circle and a line through it—and instantly wants to pee on it? I’m not, right? [BLEEP!]

F In response to the Corruption Marveller in Montreal. Do you really think that Montrealers are surprised at what’s going on in city hall. I mean, most of us already knew about that, and the only difference is that the media wasn’t talking about it. The MAYOR could just sit pretty in his home and pretend that everything was ok, because he wasn’t being exposed. This is nothing new. The only difference is that now the media is actually paying attention. And the reason most people aren’t on in the street protesting right now against the city is because something is actually being done about it—there’s a commission going on, it’s being investigated. But don’t kid yourself, there have been rallies against this administration for years. For many different causes having to do with municipal problems. For years. It’s all coming into my head, man. This time, most people are just happy to follow the headlines for once and sit at home laughing. This guy is going to get what he deserves, all of them are going to get what they deserve— hopefully. But let this be a lesson to all Montrealers—when only 34 per cent of you get out and vote in the municipal election for the same guy who’s been doing this shit, you also get what you deserve. Maybe consider some alternative next time. We didn’t need this mayor this election this time around anymore than we needed him the last time. [BLEEP!]

F So that’s it for Tremblay. Off he goes, disgraced and bizarre, with his weird bald head and NAZI-SCIENTIST EYE GLASSES. I just wish he’d have announced his resignation and then rode off on a BIXI! [BLEEP!]

M And take your fucking bike lanes with you on the way out, Tremblay! [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268).

ON THE STREETS IN CULT!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Those men in the CHOM t-shirts aren’t CHOM listeners, dear. They’re homeless people. Have a heart. [BLEEP!]

F Hey about the CHOM t-shirts on the grizzled, old guys. You forgot to mention the FRINGED JACKETS. The CHOM old guys are also fond of those fringed jackets that I think you can only buy at souvenir shops on the RESERVES and in Texas. Just wanted to add that. [BLEEP!]

M Well hello, Rant Line™ It’s the most wonderful time of the year again. That weekend when every young lady turns her thoughts to what character of lore and legend can best be SLUTTIFIED for Halloween. Slutty Snow White? Slutty Cop? Slutty Nun? Almost every fairy tale girl or profession or movie character becomes a slut! Which makes me wonder—I’m going to a Halloween party tonight, and then probably I’ll do a bit of pub crawling. Which women will I have the most success with? The one whose tits are spilling out of her Little Red Riding Hood BLOUSE, or the one covered head-to-toe, pretending to be modest? Do the real sluts dress up as someone who is not slutty? I don’t know, and that’s just one more reason women are so fucking impossible to understand. Trick or treat? I’ll keep you posted! [BLEEP!]

M Hey I’m calling to Montreal to encourage Montreal to pull up your fucking PANTS. I’m tired of seeing everyone’s asscrack. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M Hey I was on St. Laurent and a bunch of fucking douchebags were kicking in CAR DOORS up and down the street up until Ontario. So I confronted them, and they jumped into their car, so I decided to kick their car. And then they SHITSTOMPED me. I fought with a couple of them, and a BOUNCER from a club jumped out and helped me fight them. Then the cops showed up and shit degenerated. Either way, whoever’s car got fucked with that night, at least some JUSTIFICATION was made because at least I stood up for something. It pissed me off and my fucking skull is split open. So fuck them and… awesome. [BLEEP!]

M Billy should play all FUNK tomorrow, if he doesn’t he’s a little bitch. [BLEEP!]

M H, I’m calling to rant about our little problem with corruption here in Montreal. I MARVEL over the idea that we could paralyze the city over tuition increases and yet, when we find out how our politicians and our bureaucrats and our engineers and those we entrust with our standard of life in Montreal have gone completely AWOL for over 30 years, I don’t see one person with one sign downtown complaining. It kind of tells me you get what you pay for, don’t you think? [BLEEP!]

F Hi. You know where would be a good place for BIXI stands on roads already reduced to one driving lane because of the bike lane? In the bike lane! Why do I have to drive around in circles looking for parking while these BIXI stands take up three perfectly good parking spaces and asshole BIKE TERRORISTS ignore the rules of the road? Put the BIXI stands in the bike lanes or on the sidewalk. Montreal’s planning committee is so fucking useless. [BLEEP!]

M This is the Mohawk Idiot or Mohawk Asshole, whatever it is we left me at. If you hated me before you’re going to think I’m a real shit-shovelling piece of TURD now. You know what crossed my mind today? That people with Asperger’s, they’re not really retarded! You know what they are? They have smart-ass-perger’s. They’re so smart they PRETEND that they don’t see the line between what is appropriate and inappropriate to say to people. And they get off on that shit. That’s right. They get off on it like a roller coaster ride to the moon. They don’t have Asperger’s, they have smart-Asperger’s. Think about it. Think about that. [BLEEP!]

M Why do they even GIVE medals for riding a BIKE? Even if you’re riding up a mountain for two days, it’s still just riding a bike. The only thing stupider is giving trophies for driving a CAR. You drove your car the best of all these guys driving a car—here’s a big trophy and a BEER endorsement contract. And why do champion drivers promote alcohol, the one thing they tell everyone to stay the fuck away from if they’re going to drive? It’s all so stupid I might CRY. [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™ CUPID. Since you’re in the MISSED CONNECTIONS business these days, I’m looking for the sassy little brunette with short hair who was wearing a BOWLER HAT and some tattered garters on Sherbrooke Street this past Saturday. She was with her friend and she sort of looked toward me without noticing I even existed, but I’m sure that was just her way of being cool about our UNDENIABLE and immediate connection. So if you’re out there, my CLOCKWORK Valentine, it’d be great to get together with you and talk some LITERATURE and maybe see where this whole thing goes. Pick up the phone. Love is waiting for you on the Rant Line™ [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268).

Pete Smoke 1

“edited” by Al South

F On another CHOM-sucks-related note, why is it every time i see a guy in a CHOM t-shirt, he’s all LEATHERY like he’s been working on a PIRATE SHIP? I never see buff, handsome young men with an air of kindness and intelligence about them. Just these loud, arrogant, grizzled 40-somethings with long pony-tails and dirty jeans. Everything about CHOM needs a makeover. If I were them, I’d stop handing out t-shirts to very negative human billboards. Give them to some good-looking people, instead. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, I’m ranting about the cost of living right now. I went to Four Fools on Parc Avenue and a pound of butter is $6.50. A pack of hot dogs is $5. I went to Renaissance used clothing store for the poor, a pair of winter boots is $25. It was $6.99 for something to cook a pound of beans. Well, ya, it’s turning me into a HOLY MAN eating BIRD SEED and staring at the CLOUDS because there ain’t nothing to buy. That’s my rant. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

F Hi this is Nicole again calling about Daniel. I just want to say he’ll know when and where to find me. Passeport. When? He’ll know. And who cares about Ethan Hawke! I don’t care about Ethan Hawke! The editor MANIPULATED my message, he didb’t even put everything in there. It’s embarrassing enough trying to find someone through a Rant Line™! [BLEEP!]

M Hi, this is for the chippie looking for DANIEL. I don’t know if it helps any, but I also have TEETH that are similar to Ethan Hawke’s. My body is similar to Ethan Suplee’s, but since it’s teeth you’re wet for, maybe we can have a go at things. Reply to me here. In the meantime, I’ll go floss and whiten. [BLEEP!]

M Lance Armstrong. Hmmm. Stripped of all his cycling titles. So now first place is vacant. But the second place guy doesn’t get all the endorsements? So Lance Armstrong, the fastest and the best cyclist of all the DOPERS. Atta boy. Lance Armstrong. [BLEEP!]

F Yeah, this is to the guy—and I guess the other person—who ranted about the super heroes ad campaign. It’s not for the STM, it’s for Interac, which I guess makes the whole thing even stupider. At least an STM camapign about being a hero for saving the environment makes a bit of sense, but the Interac super hero thing is beyond me. The AD GAME is not what it used to be, and I know, because I’m in it! Too much crap making it to the client end. Anyway, just wanted to set the record straight. Back to listening to the Art Director fag out over an energy drink. [BLEEP!]

M While you’re so busy being judgmental, just remember that inside every fat person, there’s a skinny person trying to get out. And once that skinny person gets out, they’re so HUNGRY they just eat everything in sight. And that’s where fat people come from. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah I just got home from a nice night with my friends, and on my way across Mont-Royal, I get accosted by these two fucking idiots who opened the exchange with “Hey, are you famous? Are you a CELEBRITY?” I’m not, so I had no idea what the fuck, so I tried to just keep walking and then one of them says, “Hey, so you’re too good for us because you’re famous?” and I said “Sorry. Don’t know what you’re talking about.” And then these assholes get all hostile and start saying “What have you been in if you’re so famous?”” and like getting up close to me, and one of them SHOVED me, and then a squad car slowly pulled up so they walked away. But, like, what was that all about? I feel like going out to look for them right now with a fucking CLEAVER. Way to ruin a guy’s night. [BLEEP!]

M Rant Line™, please advise—is there still AIDS? I don’t hear much about it any more, and I need to know if I can start BAREBACKING again. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)

“edited” by Al South

F Hey, so there’s no HOCKEY? That’s fucking awesome! [BLEEP!]

M Hello. I’m calling to complain about the NHL LOCKOUT. I think it’s pretty shitty that neither the owners nor the players give a half-a-shit about those of us who DUMP a half-week’s pay into game tickets, and who watch every game and support the Habs even though we all know they’re going to eat dick again and again and again. People are living paycheque to paycheque and having their homes taken away, and these guys are fucking us out of our one joy because they can’t agree on who should get a bigger piece of their pie? Fuck that! And what the fuck am I supposed to do with myself? I should be watching the Habs suck up a storm, but there’s nothing. Guess I’ll just fucking play with myself until the rich cocks get their shit together. [makes grunting sounds] There. I came. Now what? [BLEEP!]

F Hi Rant Line™, this is NICOLE, the girl that called about DANIEL. I said his TEETH are similar to Ethan Hawke. Like, T-E-E-T-H. Not cheeks! He’s going to think I’m CRAZY. And even that sounds crazy, someone liking somebody’s teeth. That sounds crazy in itself! So ya, it’s teeth, not cheeks. And actually, his teeth are not really like Ethan Hawke, now that I think about it. It’s just… I don’t know… I can’t describe his teeth—but I like his teeth. Not his cheeks! [BLEEP!]

F Hey Rant Line™, can we talk about the 55? The fucking 55 south? How every single time I’ve taken it in the past two months, it’s been 10 minutes late, minimum. Except when you need it to be 10 minutes late I’m waiting for it right now—it’s fucking 11 minutes late! Fuck this fucking bus line. And there is never an APOLOGY of why it is late. That’s the worst part. It’s always, hey, I am the 55, of course I am 12 minutes late! [BLEEP!]

M Yo, I have a pretty straightforward rant for you. First time ranter here. Seriously, Montreal, get some goddamn 24 hour delivery! ANGELA’s is the only place that delivers 24 hours, and they only deliver till 6 a.m. And right now they are not even picking up their phone! Seriously, we need 24 hour delivery now! [BLEEP!]

M Why are the Bell installation idiots allowed top put PYLONS around their trucks? I keep seeing these gay little trucks parked in regular parking spots with orange cones at either end, like something actually important is going on there, like a gas leak or water main is getting fixed. But all they’re doing is installing a phone or hooking up an Internet connection for some new sucker that doesn’t yet know just how expensive and shitty Bell is compared to everything else available. It drives me crazy. Somebody needs to punch Bell in the fucking face already. [BLEEP!]

M This is for the woman who complained about the SUPER HERO PEOPLE high-fiving her in the metro. I think that was part of some sort of STM ad campaign about using public transit instead of driving your own vehicle, because you’re being a hero by saving the environment and the world. But, yeah, if I had to see assholes in super-hero costumes on my way to work first thing in the morning, and then they wanted to high-five me on top of that, it would make me want to DRIVE everywhere, completely alone. It wouldn’t matter to me if trees fell dead as my car passed by and birds fell out of the sky. We should all dress up as Super Villains and go beat the crap out of the Super Heroes. That’d make for some good news coverage. [BLEEP!]

M Oh ha ha ha! Did you feel the EARTHQUAKE? Oh, ha ha ha! Listen to my idiotic story about what I was doing when we had an earthquake! Jesus. What the serious fuck is that? Why am I being bothered with assholes telling me earthquake stories? Nobody cares what you were doing. And when it snows, nobody will care how long it took you to drive home in the SNOW. Spare me the fucking fascinating tales of how you coped with relatively banal environmental occurrences. Do you think anyone in Haiti said “Oh, ha ha ha! Did you feel the earthquake?” while they were trying to find their kid’s CORPSE in the rubble? Fucking fuck. People need to understand when there’s absolutely nothing worth talking about, then they need ti shut the fuck up. Oh, ha ha ha. Did you read the earthquake rant on the Rant Line™? Cunt mouths. [BLEEP!}

M Is it just me, or are there more and more FAT PEOPLE? I see them everywhere, doing that fat person shuffle—you know? The WADDLE thing from their stiff knees? I’m pretty sure I used to have to go all the way to the southern U.S. to see this kind of hog race. Cut out the processed foods and poutine, Montreal. There’s a beautiful thin person trying to get out. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Hey, about that EARTHQUAKE. I am not shitting you here. I was BANGING a chick, really waxing her ass, and the earthquake happened. She was like, “Stop, it’s too much, you are making the earth move!” [laughs uproariously] I couldn’t believe it myself. I am not shitting you, man. It’s one for the RECORD BOOKS. [BLEEP!]

M Hello Rant Line™, glad to see you are back up and running. Never leave us again. This is for the girl calling in to complain about the Rant Line™. If you don’t like it, don’t read it. Bitch, there are enough people out here who actually enjoy a little humour in their day. Have a good one. [BLEEP!]

M @mydick #cult#montreal#cultmontreal SUCKS. [BLEEP!]

F Yeah, Nipple Ranter, those “two little fingers” you saw sticking up weren’t saying “CHECK ME OUT.” They were saying “up yours, you sad loser.” Fucking disgusting. [BLEEP!]

M So I have been walking through the streets lately and for some reason it is the season to get rid of your TVs—those huge TVs with the TUBES inside. Not the slim ones. So basically what happens is that these idiot people just leave these TVs on the street and some kids come and SLEDGEHAMMER the shit out of that. So we end up these shit TVs outside in pieces. Its pollution, you know. I am just concerned about pollution. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this the Winter Is Coming Guy from last week. What the hell, Rant Line™? I called you with a perfectly valid rant and wanted to throw a perfectly valid fuck you to the dicks who probably have no clue that there are three more BOOKS-worth of events that true Song of Ice and Fire fans already know about, because we’re not waiting to see it on TV. And then instead of printing it, you edit it and go and send a fuck you to me! Maybe the Rant Line™ is also filled with TV watching illiterates? Well guess what? [Gives another major SPOILER, this time from A Dance with Dragons, that a sub-sub-editor was hired to listen to, transcribe and delete]. You don’t need to print that one. That one was just for you guys! Valar Morghulis, bitches! [BLEEP!]

M Ok, enough about CHOM. We all know CHOM sucks. And if you like CHOM, we have to agree to disagree. But here’s one to ponder instead. What is up with the music that plays in every Couche-Tarde? They could have satellite radio on any channel, they could be piping in anything. But what you hear is KEB versions of other types of popular music. I swear to god, one out of three times I walk into a Couche-Tarde I hear some kind of crazy punk-ska uber-patriotic SEPARATIST band playing. Right now, I just heard what sounded like an old man trying to rap in French. Snapping in his fingers, with a female chorus. Here’s what I suggest—every time you go into Couche-Tare, when they ask you do you have everything you need—matches, milk, a lotto ticket?—say, I would like to request you guys play some other music! Everyone go up and request “Iron Man.” Wait, that would be CHOM-ish. Or does CHOM even play “Iron Man”? Probably not. Everyone go up and request “GANGNAM STYLE.” [BLEEP!]

M So I was taking the elevator from the McGill Residence building on Park down to the grocery store, and on my way out I almost hit a LITTLE ASIAN GIRL in TINY SHORTS who was not paying attention to where she was going. She said “Oh! Sorry, sir!” The fuck’s that all about? For fuck’s sake, I’m not even spitting distance close to 40. I’m not some FAT BALD GUY. I still have plenty of years of banging college girls ahead of me. Right? Well? Am I fucking right? [BLEEP!]

F Um, I was DANCING at Passeport and I was in my own world and I wasn’t thinking of anyone, until someone came over and started dancing with me. And it was so sudden but it felt COMFORTABLE and right. But I was so stupid that I didn’t get the guy’s contact info. I’ve been trying to find him all week—so now I’m calling the Rant Line™. His name is Daniel, he’s a musician, he’s black French-American. He’s from France but his father lives in TENNESSEE and he lives in Montreal but he wants to go back home with his father. I just want to meet him again before he goes, and I regret not giving him my number. What else? He has a friend named Christina. My name is Nicole, he knows my name. He doesn’t know my last name. Also, he asked me if I believe in god. And the answer is yes—sorry, I made a mistake, I wasn’t thinking clearly. I don’t know his age. He has FRECKLES on his face, he is light-skinned, his cheeks were kind of distinct, he had cheeks like ETHAN HAWKE. He dresses like the lead singer of the Cult. That’s what I remember in my mind. I wish I knew if he was in a band or solo. I just can’t find him anywhere—I don’t have enough information. I’m frustrated but I’m hopeful. I hope he sees this rant. If not, I guess another week of going CRAZY. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)

“edited” by AL SOUTH

SEE THIS WEEK’S EDITION IN GLORIOUS PRINT IN CULT MTL, ON THE STREETS NOW!

F Did I miss UnPop Montreal? [BLEEP!]

M This is a rant about the Red Mass show at Club Lambi. Guys, I know you like to have GOOD SOUND. But when your sound check is taking 40 minutes and it’s already 1 a.m. you should try to understand that it is better to play with SHITTY SOUND in front of 150 people instead of good sound in front of 10 people. [BLEEP!]

F Hey Rant Line™, this is a message to the kid I flicked on the EAR at the Grimes show. I feel you, buddy. You and your friend just wanted to see Grimes up close, and you wanted to do it fast because she was playing your favourite song and instead of showing up early or even on time you were hammering back MONSTER VODKAS at your cousin’s place, or something like that. I totally get it. But don’t fucking push your way through me and my friends, elbows first, and knock the $8 beverage out of my hand and onto my shoes! You might find this surprising, but a simple excuse me would have worked. People will generally move out of the way if they know you are trying to get places. No need to push them because that is just fucking RUDE. [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™. I was just wondering, now that the PQ are back in charge of everything, when are we going to be able to SMOKE in bars again? [BLEEP!]

M Why are 76-year-olds even driving at all, let alone DRIVING DRUNK? Boggles the mind, yo. Prayers to the poor woman who beat cancer and then had to deal with this bullshit. Peace. [BLEEP!]

F Really? Let me get this straight. A guy was attacked by four other guys, right at the corner of St-Laurent and Napoleon, and STABBED again and again, as people watched? Even if this is drug violence or gang-related, or whatever, it is just pathetic. What a SHITHOLE the Plateau has become. [BLEEP!]

F Hi everybody over there! I’m calling because it’s clear nobody has done anything about these goddamn assholes on BICYLCES who think they own the place. I took a cab home from work today because i had such a shitty day and the driver pulled over just to the bike lane on Prince Arthur, and I opened my door just a bit while I paid, just so people could see a car door was being opened and maybe watch out for the person exiting the car, and then I still had to wait because NOBODY would stop so I could get out, and finally there were no more bikes coming, so I jumped out quickly while I had the chance, and sure enough—along comes a BITCH ON A BIKE. And she wasn’t even that close to me, but she squeaked her fucking bike to a stop, and she like sneers at me like I’m the asshole, and she says, “Désolé” and laughs again and peddles off through the red light. Really to fucking god! The bike people are a MENACE! Do something! [BLEEP!]f

F Hello. I was hoping a live person would answer, but whatever. What is WRONG with you people? Do you realize everyone that calls you sounds like some kind of degenerate or 12-year-old TEENAGE BOY who laughs at his own farts? Why is this even something you’d want to do with your life—publishing this sort of thing? Is the whole Rant Line™ OFFICE filled with teenagers or just idiots? This isn’t a rant, by the way, it’s a complaint. [BLEEP!]

M Yes, hello and how are you? I would like to jump in here, because I read the two people fighting about MOHAWKS and kids with mohawks. I’ve read and re-read all three rants on the matter, and I have to say to Ranter #1 dude, it exactly sounds like you’re saying mohawk haircuts will turn kids into into criminals. You say—and let me read this back from my Internet—“What jerkoff fantasy keeps you awake at night saying, I need to cut my kids hair this way or that way, my kid is going to look awesome in a mohawk? Why don’t you get him some brass knuckles too? Or a GUN, that should be the next step. Cellphone, gun, mowahk. And a bag of weed.” Right there you’re equating a haircut with a violent lifestyle. You also call the mohawk a “Mr. T hair-cut.” So, in conclusion, you’ve got to be pretty old to have Mr. T as a reference, and the woman who told you to eat shit was right. [BLEEP!]

M This chick waiting for the 55 is dressed for the middle of August and it’s about four degrees outside. And you know what else? Her NIPPLES are like two little fingers sticking up and saying “Hey! Over here! Check me out!” [BLEEP!]

M It’s cold and rainy and everything stinks of the end of summer for realz, and that means soon we’ll be shivering and freezing our nuts off when we leave the house, and it’ll be dark while I’m still at work and dark when I wake up to leave for work. And if it’s not already bad enough that winter is coming, now I have to hear all these idiots saying WINTER IS COMING and then smirking like their Game of Thrones reference makes them the crown prince of cool. Well you know what? Fuck yourselves, noobs. I read that book 15 years ago! So fuck you and fuck your HBO and fuck your hipster geek posing. Enjoy season three because (reveals major spoiler from the third ASOIAF book, A Storm of Swords, which the Rant Line™ team has made an executive decision to redact). There. Winter just came all over your noob face! [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL (514) 271-RANT (7268).