THIS WEEK: The END of the Mirror!

PLUS: Introducing RL™ TWEET OF THE WEEK, a new regular or irregular feature in which prizes may or may not be awarded!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

F Say it ain’t so! Are you telling me the Mirror is no more? What are we going to do? The Mirror is the best magazine—free stuff, SEXY stuff, all kinds of stuff. I’m going to be broken up. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, I am just happy you ANTI-SEMITES have been shut down. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M I had to hear it on the news first?! Mirror is gone? You gotta be kidding??[BLEEP!]

F Hello, this is not acceptable. No more Mirror? No, not acceptable. Find a SOLUTION. No more Mirror? I will not tolerate that. Find a solution immediately. [BLEEP!]

M A very sad day indeed. This was a great newspaper, a great part of Montreal. I hope you rise from the ASHES in some form and we see the Mirror back one day somehow. Rant Line™, Mirror, you were A-1: all that you did for advertising the bands. It was just a great newspaper. Very sad to hear the news. [BLEEP!]

F I am so sorry to hear about the Mirror closing. I called the Rant Line™ so much, I loved it, it was my favourite thing about the newspaper. I’m gonna miss the Rant Line™ a whole fucking lot. Bye. Thank you so much for so much funny shit over the years. [BLEEP!]

M So I just found out the Quebecor media has shut down the Montreal Mirror. This is one of the worst things I have ever heard happen to Montreal’s CULTURAL landscape. JESUS FUCK. What are we going to do now? [BLEEP!]

M I’m sure I am one of the thousands of voices who is so pissed off that the Mirror is going down. I didn’t always agree with you guys, but I am really going to miss reading you. It is just part of this CORPORATE AGENDA to keep us all ignorant. Let’s just hope it doesn’t work and good luck to everybody. Bye bye. [BLEEP!]

M The Mirror means a lot to me, man. When I moved to Montreal in the spring of 1999, it was the first HABIT I picked up. I’ve read every single issue since, going to far to ask a friend to keep a copy when I was out of town. And I always said that I would never consider myself a true Montrealer until the Rear-View Mirror segment referred to an issue that I had read since I moved here, which happened last year when Rear-View Mirror featured an issue from June,1999. This saddens me deeply. This is my rant. [BLEEP!]

M This is a message for the Rant Line™ and Al South. This is ERIC POPPER calling. I just wanted to say how sad I was to hear about the Montreal Mirror closing and how shortsighted Quebecor is being. I guess you guys are all feeling like SHIT. I would just like to thank you for so many years of support and so many years of good reading. That’s all. Guess these things happen. It’s very sad. I don’t even know if you’ll get this. I’m going to miss the Rant Line™, that’s for sure. I really am. So see you later and thanks for all the good reading. Ok, bye. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, NVP here. I heard that Rant Line™/Mirror is closing down. Hope it’s not true, hope it is only a rumour! Because I’ve grown to live—LOVE—the Mirror, and the Rant Line™ especially, for the service you provide, for me, for everybody, to rant. To let loose and express ourselves. It’s very THERAPEUTIC. If it is true that the Mirror is closing, I hope it will continue to survive in some form, assume some other avenue. It is one of a kind, an institution here. I for one want to say thanks for all the years of really great stuff, where everybody could just be who they are on the Rant Line™. Where everyone could just be a STAR. People need that validation. So I want to give you my best wishes in whatever direction you guys are going. [BLEEP!]

F Well at least the Rant Line™ still works. [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™, I definitely didn’t think this number would still be working. Just wanted to say it’s Thursday and I really miss the Montreal Mirror. To whoever is listening to this, it sucks deeply, sorry about your JOBS. It just sucks for Montreal. [BLEEP]

M Just wondering if this phone line is up for sale? I would love to CAPITALIZE on any callers still calling in. Get back to me, my name is Gabriel. [leaves number] [BLEEP!]

M Hello Rant Line™. I don’t know if this is still working, but we’ll give it a go. June 22, 2012,10 pm Eastern Standard Time. Montreal Mirror is now closed. That is a horrible thing. From 10 pm till midnight tonight I will tweet a new temporary number for the Rant Line™ and I will publish the rants [leaves number]. This phone number will only be active for two hours. I wish you the best. And now I am going to publicize this. Have a good night. [Ed’s note: Results of tribute Rant Line™ unknown] [BLEEP!]

M So this is almost fucking unreal. I was on the SHITTER, I looked at my phone, and I heard a VOICE. Let’s just go ahead and say it was the voice of GOD. It spoke to me clear as a bell. It said: Call the phone company, open up a new account, register a phone number, put it out there, and people will call and air their gripes, speak their peace. Rant, if you will. So I wiped my ass, called up Bell, got it all together… and then I heard that the fucking Rant LIne™ is back. Fucking God hates me. [BLEEP!]

RL™ TWEET OF THE WEEK

Totally using “vacationing in Montserrat” as my new code for “cracked out in Bar Fuzzy,” thanks! @jeanlapilote

[Ed’s note: Prizes may or may not include your choice from an impressive collection of cassettes from forgotten local bands!]

GOT AN OPINON ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL (514) 271-7268 (RANT)

THIS WEEK: CHOM, Bud Light, convulsing at the Tam Tams!

PLUS: A lesbian with a fresh haircut goes out for a walk…!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

[Ed’s note(s): Ok, this is more or less what would have been in the June 28 edition of the Rant Line™. The file was ready early, on the morning of Friday June 22, since I was leaving the next day for vacation and the Rant Line™ was due for its annual summer sabbatical. Unfortunately, the hammer came down at about 10.30 am, and the Mirror shut shop. The Rant Line™, however, kept running, deluged by end-of-paper rants. So some of these rants are a bit old, but preserved here nonetheless.

On another note, special thanks to Roger Argent and also the unsung Roger Argentess for their faithful years of sub-editing. They transcribed more rants than anybody on Earth and are hereby inducted into the Rant Line Hall of Fame™ (more on that later).

On a final note, what you see here is a work in progress, obviously, and such things as the “design” will be modified in the coming weeks, months and years. The science, however, will remain the same.

And now, on to the rants. As always, we start with the music rants, since music, particularly local music, is STILL what the Rant Line™ is supposed to be about…]

M Must give credit where credit is due. Last week my alarm went off at its usual bright and early 6:15, set to CHOM FM. Yeah, I know, I know. Extremely limited playlist, to say the least. One or two NICKELBACK songs, maybe the new Chili Peppers song. Maybe stretching, at max, to “Closer to the Heart” or “Spirit of Radio” by Rush. But that morning—maybe because Terry DiMonte was away on VACATION—what do I get? Talking Heads, “Psycho Killer.” They’re playing this song on CHOM? The ultimate wake-up song. The CHOM morning playlist censors must have been looking the other way. So all I can say is there is HOPE and thank you. [BLEEP!]

 M Hi. I’m ranting about how YouTube makes me watch fucking commercials before I can play my music. Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to want to play a song when you are all DRUNK with your friends, but no, no, no you have to watch three minutes of BUD LIGHT CRAP. No one likes that, who wants to drink that?! I don’t know. All I want to do is hear a Queen song. It gets on my ass. It gets up my ass, and I don’t like things up my ass except for dick. But that’s another story. For sure I don’t want Bud Light up my ass. The song is “I Want To Break Free.” [pause] Finally, here it goes. Look at Freddy’s BOOBS! I don’t think those are real. But he’s got a moustache. Hey, look there’s Roger Taylor! [noise in background] Hey, did you hear that? That was a poof from a HOT GIRL’S BUM. [BLEEP!]

[Ed’s note: There goes the Budweiser account.]

M Yeah, so I was reading the Rant Line™ and I actually ENJOYED it. But then I come to this one about the guy who got JACKED at the bar for making inappropriate comments towards Muslims. First of all, I would like to say that I don’t particularly care for the M-BOMBS either. However, here’s how I read this: You said something. You got jawed for it. You started crying and you left. And that makes you a bitch. But the fact that you are claiming—and I’m calling bullshit by the way—that you actually put something in his DRINK makes you a pathetic, horrible, terrible excuse for a human being. I hope that he finds you and breaks every bone in your worthless little fucking body. Bye bye. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I never really liked COPS before but I have to say I hate them more each day. I’m tired of seeing them abuse their POWER. Whatever happened to serve and protect? It’s a fucking joke. Recently I saw them numerous times giving out tickets to people for MISDEMEANORS on St-Laurent street. They’re on such a power trip, it’s incredible. And if you happen to be an Anglo, look out, they’re even tougher with you. It really makes me wonder—who are these people who become cops? [BLEEP!]

M Hi Montreal. I want to let you know what the hell is going on in our city. I was at TAM TAMS a while ago and I stayed a little late—I was there until about 10—and the cops showed up. Usually, cops show up at the Tam Tams at the very end, around 11:30. Not to be dicks, but to sit there and say, “Hey, park’s closed. You’ve got to go home.” Okay, thank you very much, officer. Have a good night. Right? Now, I don’t know if it was because of protesters or what, but they started breaking up the Tam Tam circle. And then they start HOG-TYING this one guy! I go up to them and ask, “Hey, why are you arresting this guy for?” And the officer—BADGE NUMBER 6167—pushes me back and says, “Stay back!” And I’m, like, “Okay, fine, but why are you arresting this guy?” And he fucking PEPPER-SPRAYED me. Now, I’ve never been pepper-sprayed my whole life and I had a severe allergic reaction to this. I stopped breathing, I started foaming at the mouth and I started CONVULSING. Apparently, my girlfriend tried to give me mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to get me to breathe again. At which point, they arrested me—while I was unconscious. They brought me to the fucking station! I didn’t get out of there until about 4:30. I wasn’t allowed a BLANKET. They didn’t let me call my lawyer. They didn’t read me my rights. They didn’t tell me why I was under arrest. So, here’s the thing, Montreal. I’m not one to call people to arms—especially after all the shit that the fucking students have been doing—but this fucking police state cannot continue. I’m sorry, but if we can’t even have PEACEFUL GATHERINGS—not peaceful protests, peaceful gatherings—where people just sit around and listen to Tam Tam drums, smoke a JOINT and relax and enjoy their fucking life, then what are we coming to? Al South, Roger Argent, you need to publish this. Maybe not the whole thing, edit it if you have to make it SHORTER, but let people know what happened on Mount Royal that night. Let them know that I almost DIED at the hands of the people who are supposed to protect us. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, so I was walking along Sherbrooke yesterday and I had a FRESH HAIRCUT. I was feeling good. And then this group of five guys with rattails and tight Adidas pants asked me if I am a LESBIAN. So I look at them and I am like, ya, I am. And I walk away. But then they start taunting me for a block-and-a-half, yelling lesbian and DYKE like it’s an insult or something. Out of concern for my safety, I didn’t do or say anything. But honestly, what I would have liked to have done was look them in the eye and go, “Ya, and you know what? I get better fucking PUSSY than you do.” [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINON ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL (514) 271-RANT (7268)

The first round of rants runs tomorrow!

The RANT LINE™ will recommence publishing rants SOON, very soon, right here. Thanks for your patience and support.

Openfile.ca interview with me about the history of the Rant Line and the recent controversy.

http://bit.ly/M7BGTI

On Tuesday, OpenFile Montreal wrote about the resurrection of the Montreal Mirror’s Rant Line in web form, complete with a new phone number Montrealers could call to complain, kvetch and commiserate as they’d done for years in the pages of the alt weekly.

John Brese, the man behind the new site, said people were lamenting the loss of the Rant Line and he wanted to bring it back to life. It was an initiative Brese took on his own as he’s unaffiliated with the Montreal Mirror.

But now, the man who created the original Rant Line in 1994, former Mirror editor Alastair Sutherland, has expressed his displeasure with the new site and in response Brese has shut it down.

Sutherland, who is on vacation on the Caribbean island of Montserrat, spoke to OpenFile via email.

“I created the Rant Line in 1994 as a freelancer and pitched it to the Mirror. At that time, I also registered it as a business,” Sutherland said. “Since then, for just about every week for 18 years, I listened to the rants, selected them and ‘edited’ them. Sub-editor Roger Argent was invaluable in his assistance. Doing it is not as easy as it looks, and we worked hard to make it as good and fun as it could be.”

In the 18 years that it ran, Sutherland said many people tried to imitate the Rant Line, but the Mirror solidified his Rant Line’s superiority. [AL SOUTH NOTE: Actually, what I said here, was “Lots of people have tried to imitate it, and I don’t care-they don’t have the science.” The interview, btw, was conducted via Facebook messages]. Sutherland took offence when he saw Brese had copied his idea.

“When I saw that this new one was copying EXACTLY what was in the Mirror (and putting what seem to be fake ads beside it), then going on the radio to hype it, that struck me as opportunistic to say the least,” Sutherland said. “Perhaps he had good intentions, I dunno, but it’s an extreme and unoriginal copycat.”

The former editor said that when he found out the Mirror was folding, he was caught by surprise and the fact he was about to leave for vacation made it impossible to change the Rant Line into a different form right away. But Sutherland, who also goes by the name Al South, said that is the plan:

514-271-RANT (7268)