“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Hello Rant Line™. Ok here is something good, this is something we can all get behind. I just saw online that this girl, a singer, I can’t remember her name [Ed’s note: Léonie Gray], is suing the city for $20,00 because she was riding her bike and hit a massive fucking pothole and BROKE HER FACE. Seriously! She broke her nose and three teeth—there is a picture of her and she looks like she just stepped out of a CAGE MATCH. And she’s a singer so she can’t exactly go on stage looking like that! And she had to pay to get the teeth fixed. So she is suing and I hope she wins because it could be like a case that opens the doors—a test case. It could open the FLOODGATES. Because every single one of us in Montreal whether on bicycle or car or even on FOOT has hit one of these fucking potholes that the city takes forever to fix. If she wins we can all start taking the city to court. Fix the potholes, politicians, and if you don’t, we will sue you! It’s our money that you are spending, so spend it on things that are important! Don’t waste it on, I don’t know, bullshit—BANJO FESTIVALS, finger painting festivals, whatever—until you fix the fucking roads. Anyway, I hope that girl is going to be ok, I am sure she will be, and I hope she gets her cash. [BLEEP!]

M Hi Rant Line™. Today I’d like to talk to you about drivers and TURNING SIGNALS. Why don’t they fucking use them? Just trying to figure that out. I’m a cyclist. I’m not a holier-than-thou SPANDEX-WEARING piece of shit cyclist, but I do ride my bike pretty much every day in the summer, and no one uses their fucking turning signals! It’s literally a flick of the wrist, people, a flick of the wrist! I need to be aware of everything that’s going on, it’s insane out there. I almost DIE every single time I ride my bike, every day, because you’re too lazy to fucking flick your goddam wrist. Do it people! [BLEEP!]

M Well you know it’s bad when even the SO-CALLED COMEDIANS at the comedy festival are making fun of our CONSTRUCTION, but Jesus fucking Christ, it really is no JOKE. [BLEEP!]

M So they decided to tear up my street this week. They gave us ONE DAY notice, one fucking day. They put a flyer in my mail slot the night before. And the next day at 7 a.m. they were towing away cars. So now the whole street is torn up, and to not only that, but the workers put their blue PORT-O-POTTY right in front of my apartment—I live on the ground floor. So as you can imagine the toilet is already starting to STINK and I can see the FLIES all around it and goddam, what a mess. One day’s notice! Not even, it was more like a half a day! Shouldn’t there be a law against that? This is on Berri, by the way. [BLEEP!]

F So I saw Jagmeet Singh at a public rally the other day wearing SLACKS and a DRESS SHIRT with his usual TURBAN which I have no problem with but the dude had a KNIFE slung over his shoulder! A knife! I am the first one to object to the racist Bill 21 legislation but please lose the knife! [BLEEP!]

F Hey Rant Line™. I’m calling today to bitch about [names restaurant], that restaurant in the Mile End that started small, really CUTE, on St. Viateur some 10 years ago. It was sort of a family-owned business and it was really good, it was VEGAN. Well now I just feel that they have gone full-blown MCDONALD’S STYLE vegan. Everything has doubled in price, the portions are smaller, the food does not taste as fresh, the kids working there look overworked and exhausted and they have CHEESY UNIFORMS. It’s just exorbitant and it’s bad and it should not be. It ain’t good anymore, man. [BLEEP!]

M How many millennials does it take to change a lightbulb? None. None of them can come to terms with the fact that they can’t get their heads out of their assholes. [chortles]. Thank you very much. [BLEEP!]

M: Ok so I went to buy, yes BUY, an album I’ve heard about on iTunes like I’ve been doing for many years and the only option I can seem to find is to subscribe to their fucking Apple Music channel. No more one-time purchases without a subscription. What? Really? Is this possible? Why can’t I find it? Where the fuck is the option? I don’t want to stream, I don’t want it for free, I just want to buy it! This is annoying, this is confusing. Fuck Apple Music, I think it’s time I tried ILLEGAL PIRATING. [BLEEP!]

M Hello, this is in response to the guy complaining about HOMELESS PEOPLE, calling them worthless, telling them to get a job like he did. Listen, not everyone is as lucky as you, not everyone has the same state of mental health as MAYBE you do. Or maybe you don’t, and you’ll be back on the streets sooner or later looking for some help or just a small bit of EMPATHY. Which yes, is signified by giving someone less fortunate than yourself a small bit of CHANGE. One thing I’ve noticed is that you never know who is going to give a homeless person change. I mean, usually I give some money, but you know, not always. Sometimes I don’t have any change, or sometimes I’m in my own world and can’t be bothered to stop, or the homeless person is INVISIBLE to me. But usually I do, and I also notice who else is giving change, and you know what, you never know. Sometimes it can be an old rich guy, sometimes a housewife or a secretary, sometimes a student, sometimes a truck driver, there is no type. Just the type who has empathy. Which is obviously not you dude, which I find very strange since you were on the streets yourself. [BLEEP!]

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“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Oh hey, former Montrealer here. It’s Pride season in Toronto, so, you know, the fascists are out in full force. One rule of Pride that I’d like to see is BAN ALL FASCISTS, absolutely. But I think the second rule of Pride has to be that the word BUSSY must never ever be used. B-U-S-S-Y. And that is not having the quality of a tiny little bus. That is BOY PUSSY. And I remember Montreal being a city entirely made up of BOTTOMS, so god knows there is enough bussy for everyone. But I just don’t know what the francophone term for that is, and if it should be banned in the same way that bussy should be banned. All right. See you later. [BLEEP!]

M Hi ranters. This is Rocking Rob wishing you all a great weekend! Ok, my rant today is NERVOSA. Yes, Nervosa. I mean the band Nervosa. If anybody hasn’t heard of them, I urge you to check them out. Nervosa. Amazing Brazilian metal girl band. I mean, that’s pure metal. And I saw them in an interview—they are totally wild out of control and crazy and NASTY onstage beyond belief, but they have something to say they are beyond metal—but I saw them in an interview and I tell you, they are the SWEETEST nicest ladies you could ever hope to meet. They are so funny and smart, very mellow and gentle—the kind of girls you’d like to have a coffee with. They have a real message, they’re from Brazil, they sing about how tough and rough it is there. And they can scream with the best of the male metal bands, and even better. I mean I have to say this—they make SLAYER sound like BARRY MANILOW, okay. I’m being honest. I’m not putting Barry down, because even though I’m a metal rocker, I’m a Barry fan. Don’t tell my metal fans that, okay. Rocking Rob here signing out. [BLEEP!]

M There is nothing worse in this world than a LANDLORD. I cannot believe what they get away with. If you are lucky, you have one who is a human being, but 99 per cent of the cases are cold-blooded lying cheating ruthless invasive horrible people. Watch out for your landlord. But even so, make sure to keep your lease, because when the rent increase comes up you know it’s not going to be exorbitant, it has to be in line with the law. [BLEEP!]

M The Mural Festival. The Party Zone, or whatever the fuck it is called. I’m walking down the street at 4 p.m., on my way back from work, do I really need to have my BAGS SEARCHED because you guys are selling a few drinks inside a territory on St. Laurent street? A downtown street? Which is free and open to all? And yeah, it’s not that big a deal. But it’s a big enough fucking deal that it’s goddam annoying to get stopped and searched. I don’t even let the cops look in my shit unless they have probably cause. But because some booze company wants to make sure that they don’t lose any fucking SHEKELS, precious dimes and nickels that might be spent on alcohol. God forbid somebody brings a beer in. Boy, wait till the marijuana companies get a little more public—right now everyone’s smoking everywhere, but soon they’ll be frisking your weed at the door so you buy more weed inside. It’s unreal. I supposed I could take a side street, take another street, but I don’t fucking want to! Why? Because it’s my god given right to walk down any street in this city without somebody searching me! That includes the organizers of Mural Festival, it includes the police of Montreal, it includes any human being to whom I have done no harm nor committed any TRANSGRESSION. I am not culpable to anything under the eyes of the law! But because there is beer for sale you are going to frisk my fucking person? It’s not the end of the world, but it’s the end of some sort of right. When my right to walk down the street without being searched is compromised by a corporation and an organization who are afraid of losing a little bit of money. [BLEEP!]

M What’s up Rant Line™. Just to let you in on a little secret, just between you and I. You know how Canada has legalized weed and everything? Well if you look at all the RULES that still apply—for example no smoking in public—or that they want to fine you and jail you because you are buying weed from your dealer instead of one of the SQDC stores. Let that sink in for a moment. They are willing to put you into jail if you don’t give them your money. And still we don’t call them all one armed bandits? [BLEEP!]

M What is with the HATERS ON CYCLISTS. Today I was riding my bike and a small piece of it, just the front wheel, was on the crosswalk, the yellow pedestrian crosswalk, and some guy started screaming at me. Just screaming! He was going, “You fucking SELF-ENTITLED piece of shit cyclist, get the fuck off the crosswalk.” I don’t know, was he a lunatic? He must have been. Who else would behave like that? Honestly, between him and the people in cars honking and yelling, it is shocking. Who is being self-entitled? Entitled to what? And by the way, the reason I was even near the crosswalk is because we were being pushed there by the CONSTRUCTION. Speaking of that, who is planning the detours for all this construction? Is there any oversight, any planning, any central body or trained person in charge? Does it seem like there is to you? Because it seems to me that it is just the construction dudes—some guy in a HARDHAT with a Grade 8 education—who is in charge. That is who is doing the planning! This is not normal. I don’t want to defend TORONTO, but this is not how it would be done there. [BLEEP!]

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“edited” by AL SOUTH

M So all anybody basically does in Montreal is SMOKE WEED. It’s everywhere. Since it became legal, life begins and ends with weed—it STINKS everywhere of weed. I don’t mind—I’m not saying—how can I put this—I used to smoke weed, I sometimes smoked weed in my life in the 90s. But when I smoked weed, weed smelled like weed. Now it smells like ARMPITS and WEIRD UNDERWEAR and BALLS. It’s fucking everywhere! Everywhere I go there are people smoking weed—on bikes, on balconies. The landlords had to make a law that you can’t smoke weed because people smoke so much fucking weed that everywhere just stinks of weed! It’s fucking like, get a life, do something else besides smoke weed! Thank you, that’s all. [BLEEP!]

M What’s up Rant Line™? This is just a quick POT SMOKING rant. I’ve been looking through the newspapers again and today they’ve been talking about how they made a BIG CRACKDOWN on illegal pot. And in the same article they were talking about how the SQDC pot is legal but the BLACK MARKET pot is not. Do you want me to let you in on a little secret, Rant Line™? Do you know what makes pot legal or illegal? [pause] Time’s up: the government has a fucking magic wand that deems this pot is legal but everything else is not legal and you can be fined and jailed because you don’t want to give your money to the pockets of the government which distributes shitty quality marijuana! I’ve bought both the SQDC’s and my local dealer’s pot and compared the two. I have a great deal with my dealer and his pot is better quality, there’s more, its less dry, and I m pretty sure the dosage is accurate compared to what is labeled on the government box. I’m almost willing to bet that a couple of years down the line there will be a huge scandal about the SQDC with the quantities not matching what was on the wrapping. So yeah, this is how they do it. If you don’t give us your money we’ll jail you, even though it’s just weed either way. All of that just to say, fuck the government. Buy local, buy often. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

F Fernandez is gone. The KING is dead, long live the king. All hail to the King! Well, he improved my life in the Plateau, anyway. [BLEEP!]

M I know that you don’t like to publish things that have to do with controversies involving personal legal affairs, and I don’t blame you, you don’t want to be sucked into the VORTEX of another’s DRAMA. But I would like to let you know, as a citizen of this country, that on one New Year’s Eve, I was invited to a small party in St. Something or other in Quebec, my girlfriend invited me and I went there. And during the course of the evening there was an invitation to go downstairs to this BASEMENT. And there on the pool table was displayed a large amount of COCAINE. And I was offered to partake, by a woman, and I said, well, it doesn’t suit me, I’m not a COKEHEAD. But I said wow, that’s a lot of money there, what do you do for a living? She says to me, I’m a CROWN PROSECUTOR. And I said, oh okay. That left a deep mark on my mind. What do I do with this information? Try to communicate it to those who are young and editorial-positioned? It’s an education of the streets, I would say, about the corruption within the system. “Yes, I am a Crown Prosecutor.” Good coke. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M Hi Rant Line™, first time caller, longtime reader. Here’s what I want to tell you about the new STM fleet of buses. Ok great, so I am able to charge my phone on the bus now, that’s fantastic—I can ignore even more people than I did before. But the windows, they do not fucking OPEN. None of them, none of them. This morning, it’s 12 degrees outside, it’s pretty cold—it’s 30 degrees on the bus as of 8 a.m. The 161 Van Horne bus, filled with people. It’s fucking hot, SWEATY and disgusting. Like they say they have air conditioning, but they’re not going to turn the air conditioning on when it’s only 12 degrees out. It’s hot! You gotta be able to open those windows!. I need that circulation! [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, panhandlers are fucking shit, I know what you’re talking about. There’s some dumb BROAD I’ve seen a couple of times, she’s probably 16 or 18, 20 years old max. She goes on the Orange Line and just holds a sign that says she needs money for whatever. The thing is, she doesn’t even look homeless, she just looks like a student, like some stupid broad who wants to have handout money because DADDY won’t give her. I mean, why would you carry your fucking purse around when you’re pandhandling? It’s just little details like that that make me go hmm. Also, most of the panhandlers I see, they’re just LURKING downtown, all throughout the summer. They spend their whole fucking day at the corner, just panhandling money so they can get 1.14 litres of strong alcohol 10.1 per cent or some shit. I would go to work, near Square Victoria, I would go past one hobo—panhandling already, while I’m working to work—as I’m leaving, he was still there panhandling, with a bottle of beer right next to him. Being a homeless guy myself—well, ex-homeless guy—I managed to pull myself out by my bootstraps, actually get back to work, do regular shit, be an average contributing citizen. So these fuckheads don’t deserve any of my pity, respect or time. Fuck ‘em. [BLEEP!]

M Do you know how many ties I hear SORRY every day? Sorry. I know it means excuse me, but “Sorry I can’t hear you.” Oh I’m so sorry, I can’t help you, sorry about that. I’m sorry about the world’s condition. I’m sorry about the human condition, I’m so sorry. Oh I’m sorry, did I bother you? I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m so fucking sorry. Goddam I’m so sorry for saying sorry so many fucking times. But anyways, sorry about that. Sorry I didn’t hear you. Oh, your silence screams louder than any power tool or train. So I guess you’re just going to have to use little sorries. Ok, sorry. Sorry sorry sorry. Bye. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M I was just wondering, with all this talk about RELIGIOUS SYMBOLS, and banning head scarves, and now they say they will finally remove the cross that is in the State Assembly, what about the obvious ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM? The cross on Mount Royal! I mean, that is as big a religious symbol as there is anywhere in the world! We are famous for it! It is sitting there on land that is public, land that belongs to the people, all the people, shining down its CROSS RELIGION onto the city, bathing us in religion. AI mean really, at night it even gets lit up so now one ever forgets it. And then when the POPE, the king of religion, the ultimate non-secular dude, when he dies, the cross gets lit up PURPLE! To be honest, I am surprised this has never been brought up. Tear down the cross! Or move it onto some religious property, let them take care of it. I mean, I don’t think they should really, I think the whole thing is fucking ridiculous, but if you are going to claim to be secular, you should also not be hypocritical, right? [BLEEP!]

F Ok, so I get it, but listen up. My mother and the rest of my aunts and uncles went to school with NUNS as teachers all their lives. Wearing fucking nun’s outfits! Preaching their nun’s religious values and ideas! We finally BANNED THEM from teaching us wearing their outfits and banned religious school boards and now you wonder why we don’t want our government officials wearing nun’s outfits? Figure it out. [BLEEP!]

F I am so sick of hearing all these OLD GUYS talk about their BALLPARK. It is like some dream, some fantasy from their youth, something that used to mean something to them way back in the day when they were young and didn’t have potbellies and bad backs and did have hair. But here’s the thing—for those of us living in TODAY, we do not care! We do not want to blow a billion dollars so you go watch spoiled BRATTY multi-millionaire Americans running around on a field playing a game no one cares about anymore. What a waste. [BLEEP!]

M Here it is, this is the situation. You got a DOG that one day ran around Montreal North biting children. From what I heard this dog was on a RAMPAGE. That’s one fact. Then you got another fact, the most important fact: this dog is a PITBULL. I mean, of course. Then you got another fact that I just heard. The name of this dog, the name its owner gave it, is SHOTTA. Shotta. I laughed when I heard that. Shotta. That’s perfect. Do you know what that means? It means killer. Murderer. Gangster. A bad dog! Baaaad dawwwwg. And when Shotta lives up to its name and attacks people—it could have easily killed them—well that means it is time to put the dog down. You don’t send the dog to a holiday resort in New York. Some kind of all-inclusive for dogs? That’s where they want to send it? I don’t think so, it’s not vacation time. It’s time for the BIG SLEEP. So long Shotta. [BLEEP!]

M Hi Rant Line™. I’m so pissed off with BUMS asking for MONEY. It’s not like we live in a third world country, there are jobs out there. They are asking 18 year olds, 16 year olds for money. People that are grown-ass men and women asking kids for money. And the worst thing is, maybe you give them a buck, maybe you give them two bucks, and then a month later you bump into them and they are still asking for money! They’re just LOSERS who have no motivation to have anything in life and they panhandle off of other people who actually work. They need to fuck off. [BLEEP!]

M This message is for all the people who walk around drinking COFFEE out of single use disposable plastic or paper cups. I don’t think you even appreciate the taste and flavour of real coffee poured into a real cup. How long does it take you to finish a coffee in a real cup? Five minutes? But no, you prefer to propel all life on the planet into EXTINCTION with your mountains of garbage, much of it ending up in the oceans. You are no doubt the same people who do everything else possible to destroy the environment, which you hate, all so that you can save what you think is two or three minutes of your precious time. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. I was at a friend’s place the other night and he pulled out a film called Sleeper, by Woody Allen. It’s this crazy futuristic comedy about a guy who gets CRYOGENICALLY FROZEN in 1969 and when he gets thawed out he’s living in a post-nuclear landscape run by a NAZI DICTATOR. Everybody must realize that this is a movie that speaks about the times we live in. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. The first thing is in response to the guy who called to trash AIRBNB travellers. I just want to say I had a conversation with my friend and it seems the same case is applicable for SUBLETTING. Subletting for short term, like six days, is also part of traveller culture, and if anything, because the regulations are much looser, people tend to trash the place even further and hosts are less careful about how clean the apartment is for those travellers when subletting. So I don’t know how much of it is Airbnb’s fault. And the second thing, which is more interesting to me, is about CRYSTALS. I want to know what people’s experiences are with crystals, I want people to call in with their craziest crystal experience. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M Screw this millennial generation of take it up the ass and resign yourself to being co-opted by a spider web of technocracy. Fuck that millennial bullshit! I’m going to harken back to a great song by X Ray Spex. All right, here it goes [sings in an odd fake British accent] Freddy tried to strangle me with my plastic popper beads/Bit I hit him back, with my pet rat. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)

“edited” by AL SOUTH

F I am so tired of all the sexist anti-Valerie Plante comments in the media, making her personally responsible for every ICY SIDEWALK and POTHOLE in the entire city. None of the other CORRUPT MALE CLOWNS who ran the city before her ever faced these kinds of personal attacks! [BLEEP!]

F Hi. I’m sure Montreal has heard this all before, but those fucking POTHOLES are very dangerous and cost us a lot of money! I hit a pothole just three weeks after getting my new tires and the city of St. Eustache said TOO BAD, we’re not covering it. Then my daughter hit a pothole just after having her winter tires installed in November, and she had to get a whole new tire that night at Canadian Tire. And the ALUMINUM RIM for her Fiat, which cost $495, we had to have hammered out for $100 at a gas station. This is ridiculous! [BLEEP!]

M Ok I want to talk about WINTER CYCLING. Listen, I think it is great that you are healthy and in TOP SHAPE and are saving the environment by not using a car and all that, but seriously dude—because it is nearly always dudes—do you really think it is a good idea to ride your bicycle down the street in the middle of a fucking BLIZZARD? The wind is howling, the snow is blinding, and there you are peddling down St. Denis like it’s the middle of June. Did you ever think that the people driving cars can’t see you! And even if we can see you, we still might hit you! We ourselves are getting run off the road by snowplows and buses and the fucking crazy TOW TRUCK DRIVERS. Not to mention all the morons who don’t know how to drive in the first place, and sure as fuck don’t know how to drive in the snow! Honestly, I have seen dudes in these type of conditions riding their bikes with a BABY in a BUCKET in the back! Are you out of your mind? And I have also seen the food delivery bike guys, still out there delivering their food baskets and boxes. Really, you need food that bad that you are going to make some underpaid dude deliver it to you in the middle of a snow storm, like he is a SLAVE? C’mon, give those guys the day off. I would be ashamed to receive food from a bike delivery dude—Jesus, I don’t need like a Vietnamese meal that bad that some guy has to risk his life to pedal it to me. I think maybe there should be a law about all this—bikes off the roads in blizzards, something like that. The police are happy enough to give out tickets for things that are much less stupid and dangerous, that’s for sure. [BLEEP!]

F Just wanted to say that you know there something funny going on with the legalization of marijuana when MARTHA STEWART is getting involved. [BLEEP!]

M I don’t understand this. In the Gazette here, in the Extra section, they have a whole article about CANNABIS. Or actually, a whole section on the sale and possible investments in 2019 in the cannabis industry. How the fuck does anybody know? Especially you at the Gazette. None of y’all ever smoked any good cannabis, y’all never been to AMSTERDAM. You don’t fucking smoke the shit, how can you write articles on it? You’re just trying to get the market stocks up, saying invest in this, invest in that—but there’s nothing about the QUALITY! The cannabis is shit! Anything you buy at the dispensary is shit, because they don’t know how to grow it! Does anybody at the Gazette actually smoke cannabis? Like, has smoked cannabis for a long time, consistently? Or are they just making up bullshit numbers, trying to lead the market somewhere. It’s a new market, how are they all professionals? Does anybody care about quality product? It’s all just money investments, because this is a DICK SHOW, man, and everything I’ve bought at this SQDC is shit. When you go into the SAQ, they have the fine wine. But going to the SQDC is like going to a liquor store in RUSSIA and asking for VODKA and they don’t have any. Grow the shit properly. Do the science. Don’t try and invest money into something that you don’t know anything about. [BLEEP!]

M Hello Rant Line™, this is the good old Customer Service Clerk calling in again to BITCH. Some of you customers are a fucking embarrassment! Like, I’ve had so many people try to cash in on deals that expired a month ago. And the person outright admitted fucking it up, not taking responsibility, not doing their due diligence to get what they want, and then they call in a month later, just to try to BULLY us, and saying how they’re going to go to the Protection du Consommateur. Bitch, the discount outrun itself, you never bothered to correct it! We would have told you, we have gladly given you whatever you wanted, if you called within the discount time—which you didn’t, you called a month later. And you’re complaining, you’re going to go to the Protection du Consommateur. Bitch, they would laugh you out of the fucking office, because you didn’t read the fine print like a fucking dumb bitch! So… fuck shit! You now, normally I don’t tend to give any penalty fees or anything like that when you done fucked up, but for people like you, I’ll be glad to surcharge you. Bitch. [BLEEP!]

F If some buck-toothed rodent would come up to me and tell me he feels “sorry” for me because I’m buying a LOTTERY TICKET—even though I just won twice in a row—I’d ask that LOSER if he knew what’s in store for him in the future. Because it’s going to hurt. [BLEEP!]

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“edited” by AL SOUTH

F Hello Rant Line™. I just wanted to say that I consider myself a fairly tolerant liberal type of person, left-wing leaning, I support all the right things—I mean right as in decent, good, not right-wing things—but even I was a bit SHOCKED to hear that some coop café at UQAM stopped a comedian from performing at a show because he had DREADLOCKS! First somebody told me about it, and said that it was at the SNOWFLAKE CAFÉ, and I said, no, no, that has got to be satire, that itself is French comedy! But then I went and read up on it and yes it was true! They said he could not join the show because he had dreadlocks! Because it was… cultural appropriation! Oppression! Ok, look, whoever decided this, your heart may be in the right place, but your head needs to give itself a shake! It is just hair. But then I also thought, oh boy, if this catches on, then well maybe it will also get rid of an awful lot of BAD BANDS. Especially some of those bands from the 90s that are still kicking around, if they still have hair. So I guess that would be the silver lining. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. I just wanted to call to give my comments on the best music of 2018 by Johnson Cummins. I think he needs to actually go to good shows and not the boring ass stuff he goes to. Best show: Pottery. I just want to say, fuck those guys! Don’t support that bullshit, seriously. What the hell, Johnson Cummins? [BLEEP!]

M Hello. So I see the Montreal cops have given THUMBS DOWN to them wearing BODY CAMS. How come I am not surprised? I will tell you why—I have seen our cops in action at protests HIDING THEIR BADGES. I have asked cops to show me their badge and they refuse. No doubt they don’t want body cams—they don’t want anyone to see them in action when they get going like the ROGUE FORCE they really are. Their excuse is that the cameras make citizens uncomfortable. I’ll tell you what makes me uncomfortable, you shoving me up against the cop car, you hitting me with your baton, you denying me my rights. The other excuse they are using—some of them tried the cams for a year—is that the cameras were too complicated to work properly. Well, sure, maybe if you are an idiot! Why don’t you go on the internet, go see all the body cam videos, go see all the people being arrested all over the U.S., captured live on body cams. You would think that if the redneck cops in the south can make the body cams work, you guys can figure them out? And I think it’s pretty obvious that if a cop is arresting someone and the whole thing is being filmed, the rule of law is more likely to be followed? It just makes common sense. [BLEEP!]

F Hello, just calling to say that I could really do without seeing MAXIME BERNIER’S hideous face plastered all over the Plateau. I though we got rid of him for a while, that he would crawl back under his ROCK, but nope, I got to look at him every day all over again. There should be some kind of MORATORIUM on this type of thing. [BLEEP!]

M Well, my rant is about MARJUANA LEGALIZATION. It’s turning out to be a real crock of shit, eh? There’s going to be two types of marijuana citizens in the province of Quebec. The first will be the poor who rent, and have fucking asshole landlords who say, “Well, you can’t smoke marijuana in your apartment.” I already got THE LETTER, it was dated November 22, telling me I could not possess marijuana, I could not grow it because it’s illegal in my apartment—not that I’m going to—that I can’t smoke it on the balcony, I can’t got into the back area, which by the way is just a paved parking lot, I can’t smoke it there, I can’t smoke it on any of the asphalt of their property, I have to go on the sidewalk. Great! Now our fucking great premier, Legault, wants to make a law saying you can’t SMOKE OUTSIDE. So again the fucking poor, like myself, who don’t own a fucking house, or have a landlord who is not neutral on marijuana, where the fuck am I supposed to smoke? Maybe I should go smoke outside, get goddam arrested and go to court and make a BIG MOCKERY of this whole thing. Anyway, that’s my rant, and it really sucks because obviously if you are rich, you’re going to be able to smoke all the dope you want in your house and no one’s going to bother you. I guess my other problem is that if I wasn’t a TOKER, I’d probably own my own property, but because I’m a toker I’ve never had the money to put aside for it. Oh and by the way, the pot store, that’s a fucking joke in itself. I went there and whatever I bought was all overpriced garbage. Like, you know, I get seven grams for $40 from my own guy and the stuff that you get at the SDQ? It is all crap. [BLEEP!]

F Yeah so I was bored and I was watching Bloodline on Netflix and I noticed that KYLE CHANDLER is like REALLY, REALLY HOT and SWEATY in the movie and you can tell that the producers are trying to make it in a way that’s not sexy, like he’s sweating through those collared shirts but like it doesn’t work because… like… he’s FUCKING HOT anyways! Like I dunno, it’s really weird that they would put like that much effort into it. [BLEEP!]

CHILD Oh my god. So my friends are super sensitive and getting mad at me because I am making JOKES and they are not even OFFENSIVE. They know I’m joking and yet they still bite my head off! Out of nowhere I make the simplest joke and they just bit my head off and I even talked to them and they know to tell me if they get offended by this stuff, but they just chew me out! They didn’t even tell me they were offended by it, and it just pisses me off! [BLEEP!]

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“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Yes, I can’t hold back any more. The rants directed at the STRIKING SAQ WORKERS: I think that the people who made these rants should redirect their anger and frustration at the rotating strikes not so much at the workers themselves —who have a constitutional right to collective bargaining—but more to the government, who owns the SAQ, who owns basically everything that supposedly isn’t good for you, from drinking to smoking cigarettes to gambling. The government makes a ton of money from the taxes they get off booze, off cigarettes, off gambling, and I think the workers deserve a proper contract. The government should sit down and negotiate a proper labour contract with those workers. So I know it’s not so fun to have your DINNER PARTY ruined because you had to drink piss-poor DEPANNEUR WINE, but you should think of the employees of the SAQ who have families and mouths to feed and bills to pay. Get off your high horse and stop saying your poor life is affected when these people have to make a living. Anyway, that’s what I have to say. SOLIDARITY to the SAQ workers. Bye now. [BLEEP!]

F Is it my imagination or is the bridge over Van Horne being held up by pieces of WOOD? Are we sure that is ok? It looks like the kind of work that gets done by a guy who you hire on Kijiji who shows up to do the job drunk. [BLEEP!]

M Good morning mother rainbows, this is Class War, yeah. New rapper. AKA Revolution Dances. I got a message for Donald Trump, this is my rap, check me out of Facebook groups, Class War Rap. (starts to rap) “Make America great when?/Donald Trump and Kanye West, got a simple question/Make America great when? (repeats after every bar) /When there was slavery?/When native brothers had to live with genocide?/When our black brothers had no civil rights?/When women couldn’t vote?/When there was no human rights?/When monopolies had all the rights?/Got a simple question /Make America great when?” Yeah. Class War. AKA Rainbow Fist. LGBTQ world citizen. Revolution Dances. Facebook groups. Yeah. Class War Rap independent artist. Peace, love, harmony. [BLEEP!]

F Just passed an Esso and saw gas at $1.10 this morning, thank you Mr. T, I mean President T! [BLEEP!]

M People are talking these days about how ILLEGAL CANNIBAS is a problem. Are you fucking kidding me man? It’s been fucking decades that we’ve been criminalizing and locking people up for this shit and now that we’ve legalized it we’re looking for and excuse to lock people up again?! Alcohol is far more dangerous and kills a lot more people than cannabis. So when a guy has a joint and just drives around, I feel a lot more safe with that guy than with some fucking drunkard who has A 40 ON HIS LAP. I’m just saying. Lately I’ve been smoking CIGS again, and to be honest I don’t really like the feeling all that much. You enjoy it for a little bit, but afterwards it dissipates and you fucking regret it and you want to have another. When you smoke weed you just GIGGLE like an idiot and just want to go to sleep. That’s pretty much it man. I support weed. [BLEEP!]

M You know what, screw Airbnb. Ok maybe at one time it was a cool thing—the sharing economy, or whatever you want to call it—but now it is just a CASH GRAB, greedy people and especially greedy landlords renting their places out to people who come into the neighbourhood and show no respect. They don’t know the rules, they are from who-the-fuck knows where, they are definitely not part of the small neighbourhood community where they want to stay—you know, to get the authentic Mile End experience, or whatever. Half of the time they party all night, and even if they don’t, doors are banging and there is yelling and in the end they vanish but they leave their GARBAGE out on the street. And the next day or two days it’s somebody else to repeat the exact same procedure. I am sick of it. They should be sequestered back in the hotel districts where they used to be where they can do the least harm to the life of the city but where the merchants and the like can still suck up their cash. Are you listening Valerie Plante? [BLEEP!]

M [same guy] Hello I called a few days ago about how Airbnb sucks and I just saw a story that confirms how fucking out of hand this is getting. Some guy in Villeray came home and found a bunch of strangers HAVING A PARTY IN HIS APARTMENT—a party with booze, dope, noise, the works. Apparently they were supposed to be in the apartment downstairs which the landlord had rented them for the night. So this guy kicks them out but his place was trashed and then later he found out they stole his shit! Ok, so this was booking.com not Airbnb but same difference. Same type of cash grab. I hope this guy can get his stuff back and get repaid for the money he had to spend to clean up —$3500 apparently, holy fuck!—but who knows if his landlord or booking.com or anyone knows their real identities. This is just not right, you know. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, there’s a particular store down the road from me that’s selling BEEF BONES for $5 for three little bones. Now if that is not parasitical!? Beef bones were once distributed almost for nothing, because the poor were considered to be human beings! Now you have people stopping their fucking Mercedes Benz outside and running in to buy $5 fucking bones. Fuck. Well good luck to them. But I will go without beef bones. [BLEEP!]

M It never ceases to amaze me, the inanities of the vanities of LOTTERIES. Standing in line waiting to purchase my product, waiting endlessly for some [clears throat] OLD WORLD SQUIRREL to fulfill his or her destiny regarding all the expenditures that have been bestowed on them by a crooked system of misfortune is just astonishing to me. I feel sorry for them, those who cannot make their own luck. They have to make your own luck. You can ONLY make your own luck. And then luck will follow. [BLEEP!]

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 “edited” by AL SOUTH

 M Do you know why the media, when they speak of the CAQ party, they never say CACK? They go the C-A-Q party, they never go the CACK party. Do you know why they don’t go the CACK party? Because in the connotations of English, everybody knows what a CACK is. It’s when you’ve got a DRY FART coming around the TURNPIKE and it turns into a HERSHEY SQUIRT. And then you gotta run to the bathroom and drain your jeans and hide in shame for about 15 minutes while you clean your undies because you had a CACK. It’s almost related to CA-CA, you see? Anyway the party is a bunch of collective farts in the first place, like any other political party. Take it easy. [BLEEP!]

M So really, we elected as our premier Francois Legault? The guy who founded Air Transat? You would think that anyone who has ever flown Air Transat, and that’s got to be a lot of Quebecers, would have a suspicion that this might be a bad idea? Surely it isn’t just me who, let’s say, just as one example, spent 15 hours stranded in an airport waiting for an Air Transat airplane that was delayed or cancelled or was just plain broken down and dangerous. For sure it’s not only me—just google “Air Transat horror stories.” And this is the guy we put in charge? Bon voyage, we’re going nowhere fast. [BLEEP!]

F Hello, hello? I thought Valerie Plante was going to fix all this CONSTRUCTION MESS but I swear to god it is worse than it has ever been! Huge SWATHES of the city are like a DISASTER AREA, you can’t get from one place to the next in any reasonable time, orange cones and construction crews spring up over night, roads are closed without any warning, and half the time the construction guys aren’t even working! Or they dig a hole for a few days and then disappear for a few weeks before coming back to fill it up again. Am I imagining this? And I just heard the new Champlain Bridge, which was supposed to open for Christmas, won’t be ready till the summer, if that. What is going on? I mean, I am not a POLITICAL SCIENTIST but it is almost as if her plan, Valerie Plante, and Projet Montreal, is to make the roads so bad for cars that they can get rid of all cars in the city forever! [BLEEP!]

M Ok, so now marijuana is decriminalized, legal, from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and all I keep hearing is people going, “You CAN’T smoke here, you can’t smoke in this sector, you can’t smoke in this part of the city.” So here’s a question for all you politicians and city people—where can I just go peacefully BURN A DOOB? Nothing more. I’m not looking to rob nobody, I’m not looking to cause any trouble, I’m not breaking anything. Where can I just go burn a doob in peace, meet people, maybe have a cup of coffee. Y’know, like the DUTCH. [BLEEP!]

M Well, well, well, weed is running low and the weed stores are going to be closed half the week—great. Good planning. And to the woman ranting about the SAQ ruining her dinner party by closing down on Friday because of the strike, I hear you. Yesterday I was at the local SAQ and they had lined the aisles with BLACK CSN FLAGS and turned all the SIGNAGE in the store—including the fucking country of origin—UPSIDE DOWN. For fuck’s sake, these are supposed to be fun, enjoyable, social pastimes—drinking wine and smoking marijuana—but the government and everyone involved with the government seems to be trying to make the experience as fucked up and MISERABLE as possible. [BLEEP!]

F Hello, I was just calling to say that I am a bit worried about—you know, with the legalization of marijuana—I am a bit worried about all the DOGS who had been trained to sniff out marijuana, when it was illegal. That was what they did all day, what they lived for, these dogs. What is going to happen to them now? Do they still have their jobs? Are they still going to be kept busy? Because work is very, very important to dogs like these, who have been very highly trained to do one specific thing. And if they are not needed for marijuana work any more, I don’t know, I hope they can be retrained to sniff for cocaine, or FENTANYL or crystal meth, or something to keep them busy and feeling productive? I just hope someone is thinking about this. [BLEEP!]

M Hi there, just wanted to say, now that I’m high, that reading these descriptions of the weed you can buy online is really making me laugh. [reads in snooty voice] “Its naturally occurring terpenes emit lemony, sweet aromas with cheese and berry notes.” Say what? CHEESE? Really? Cheese? Or, “fruity sweet aromas with ripe banana notes.” Banana? Ok, so if I can’t taste the banana, do I get my money back? Although I guess banana is better than cheese? But has anyone ever tasted banana or cheese when they’re smoking a joint? I haven’t. I’ve tasted skunk maybe?! [laughs, coughs] Does anyone else think that is all a bunch of HOOEY? [BLEEP!]

F People say they are worried about DRIVERS HIGH ON WEED, I am thinking the opposite. I am hoping that some of the morons who drive like maniacs in their F150s, tailgating and pushing everybody out of the way like they are in a HUMMER or an ARMOURED CAR, I hope these idiots start smoking pot round the clock, or at least before they get into their stupid American trucks. It might chill them out and slow them down, make them drive sensibly in the slow lane, where they won’t be a menace and a danger to all the normal cars on the road. I think it should even be mandatory. [BLEEP!]

M I would like to express my desire, in the Swiftian sense of the term—Jonathan Swift, who wrote A Modest Proposal, about solving Ireland’s starvation issues by cooking children and serving them up as MEAT—my alternative is to say EAT THE FUCKING RICH, because the rich are getting richer and the poor are staying poor. And that’s it. [BLEEP!]

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“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Ok, I just saw BRETT KAVANAUGH crying and lying on TV and I mean give me a break, who does he think he is kidding? Anyone who went to high school or university anywhere knows that the JOCKS were the most obnoxious clique of BULLIES who were able to get away with, I don’t know, MURDER, never mind harassing any poor girls who stumbled into their path. Frat boy jocks who can’t hold their liquor—of course they do creepy and disgusting things to girls! And of course he did, him and his drunken friend. Oh and then they asked him about the “Renate Alumnius,” some poor girl who a dozen of the jocks at their perverted Jesuit prep school mentioned by name, shaming her, in their yearbook. And he said, “Oh it was a tribute, we were showing her she was one of us.” Yeah, right! C’mon, anyone who has ever been a boy or a girl in high school knows that is a lie. Why didn’t he just tell the truth, why didn’t he just say, yes, we were making fun of her, picking on her, but it was a very stupid teenage mistake, and I am sorry about that. But instead he just lies and cries and blames the media and the Clintons and some kind of left-wing conspiracy. What a WEASEL. Seriously, what is wrong with the United States? [BLEEP!]

F Hello, I just want to say that I just went to the SAQ to get some BOTTLES OF WINE for a dinner party I am having tonight, and it is closed! The SAQ is closed. On a Friday! They are on strike. This is inexcusable, isn’t this against the law? Aren’t they public servants? Isn’t this an essential service, wine? I am sorry, but this should really be against the law. I think it is against the law! And the SAQ, this is who is also going to be selling the MARIJUANA? These people who are on strike, these DISGRUNTLED public servants who have all these grievances? They get the contract to sell the pot? Oh my god. Anyway now I am on my way to the DEPANNEUR to buy god knows what wine for my dinner party, I am so sorry. [BLEEP!]

F I don’ know why anyone would want to see Jack White in the first place, he hasn’t been good for 15 years, he hasn’t been worth seeing since Meg left the band! But if you ask me he should be HONOURED that people would want to use their cellphones to take pictures of his PUFFY WHITE FACE, not banning cellphones like some sort of crazy cell phone dictator. Oh and Yondr can go suck ass. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, I want to dedicate this rant to whoever keeps leaving one or two cans of PABST in one of the PLANTERS in the alley across the street from me. It’s really lovely this alley, everybody has put a lot of effort into landscaping and putting picnic tables and stuff like that. It’s a really nice place to be, you know. And since I am willing to help maintain spaces I enjoy using, I’ll pick up the cans and get rid of them, because I’m not a jerk. But now I look like the asshole, taking what appeared to be my recently consumed cans of Pabst out of my purse and throwing them out into a garbage can at a park at 2 p.m. A) Those weren’t mine, I was smoking a joint and B) I wouldn’t be drinking Pabst, I’d be drinking Old Milwaukee, I have some standards. Pick up your fucking trash, man. [BLEEP!]

M Yo yo yo. Peace and love to my LGBTQ family from Montreal and worldwide. This is DRAGAN challenging TRUMP to a boxing match on the Canadian-US border because of them tariffs. Tarrifs on aluminum and steel. I want him to pay for a RINK made of aluminum and steel. Yeah. Dragan VS Trump. Facebook group DraganVSTrump, baby. Need your love, support, yeah. Love peace and harmony, baby. Adrian H. Dragan. [BLEEP!]

M Hello Rant Line™, I just want to say it was bad enough that there was one Tai Domi in the NHL, a BULLETHEAD on skates, although at least most of his career he played for the Leafs, who everyone hates anyway. But now to have a second Domi in the league, a Domi Jr—a chip off the old bulletheaded block, a sucker-punching fool—on the Habs? Anyone could have predicted that this would be an embarrassing disaster. Trade him to the Leafs for a box of Tim Horton’s DONUTS. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, fellow ranters out there, this is Rockin’ Rob. I just want to be straight up and tell you who I really am. Yes, I am Rockin’ Rob, but I’m a CHRISTIAN ROCKER, I rock for Christ, I sing metal for Christ. But I wanted to say to all the guys and gals who call themselves SATANISTS, Devil People, whatever, I want to say—this may shock the CHURCH—but I think you’re ok, I think you’re cool. Not that you need my validation, but you got it anyway! And I know you’re not evil, and anyone who uses the name of Satan to commit crimes, I know that you guys and gals wouldn’t accept him in your organization any more than I would accept anybody who uses the name of Christ to do all manner of ATROCITIES. No way man! I can rock with the best of you who rock with Satan, it’s the music we have in common, right? I know that the church doesn’t like what I’m saying, they’d freak, but I know that true Satanism is not about EVIL or SACRIFICING BABIES. It’s about having a good time. Ok, myself, I rock for Christ, like groups like STRYPER, and for me Christ is about love, not condemning people. I’ve got Satanist friends. What, a Christian guy with Satanist friends?! Yeah, why not! Christ was friends with everybody. That’s my message to everybody—let’s love, man. Christ wasn’t about hate. All right, rock on! [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Here’s a skill-testing question. Actually, it’s a TRICK skill-testing question. Here it Is: is that dude from Hedley who just had a MUG SHOT taken, is he MORE PUNCHABLE in that MUG SHOT than he is in his usual photos, or is he less punchable? Think about it. Which makes him look less like a guy who needs a big fat knuckle sandwich right to the face? When he is in a mug shot, or when he is on stage acting like an asshole and singing badly? And here’s the answer—it’s a tie! He is always punchable not matter what the situation! I told you it was a trick question. [BLEEP!]

F Mark Zuckerberg just lost $16 BILLION and it affects him about as much as if you or I lost $16. I take that back, for a lot of us losing $16 would affect us MORE. The world is not fair. [BLEEP!]

M Attention Canada Post. Stop pushing publicity into our mailboxes! Eighty per cent of what your mailmen are shoving in our mailboxes is publicity from corporations, from restaurants, that we did not request. You are crossing the line! Canada Post is supposed to be a government institution dedicated to our respective mail, letters and stuff. Hence, stop stuffing us with propaganda, with advertisements, with shitty papers promoting whatever the fuck we don’t request. Today I CONFRONTED a mailman about this, and he was completely dismissive, telling me that his supervisor enforces him to do it. Yet I asked him if he got a commission for this and he said yes! They get a commission for delivering publicity. So they get a cut and his supervisor also gets a cut. What kind of a government institution allows this? This is ridiculous and must stop now. Thank you very much. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, it’s Canada Day and I’m celebrating it by having a glass of wine at the SAQ. Funnily enough, on St. John Baptiste Day, the SAQ was closed. I guess there must be a discrepancy between Canada Day and St. John Baptiste? But whatever, I don’t appreciate very much all these stickers they’re sticking all over the windows, and I asked the employee, why are you involving the public in your dispute with you union? And he said, well because you’re buying the wine. And I said yeah, and I’m paying your mortgage and your rent and everything and the wine is already overpriced as it is! Don’t drag the public into your drama. As if I give a shit—I don’t even have a job! I think the same thing goes for the police and the firemen. Now I appreciate the services the police and the fireman do, there’s no question about it, we’d be very badly off if it weren’t for them, but I mean, dragging the public into your economic disputes is rather GAUCHE. [BLEEP!]

M Stop complaining about the HEAT, the COLD will be here soon enough, you idiots. [BLEEP!]

M I’m calling about Moving Day in Montreal and the fucking mess on my fucking street. It’s full of flies and maggots and garbage and shit. I’ve had enough of these fucking students—these fucking FRENCH students from FRANCE, I think they largely are. There oughta be a law, the city of Montreal should ban these people from leaving their shit on the street when they move, teach them they are not in Paris. In fact, I think it should be punishable by the DEATH PENALTY. In fact, I think we even need to build a WALL to stop these French people from coming into this neighbourhood and taking it over and then moving and leaving their crap on the street. I feel like I live in a fucking stinkhole and I’ve had enough of it. [BLEEP!]

M All right gentlemen, most of you are of working age. If you have a job, you are of working age. And guess what, I just stepped onto a LAKE OF PISS because some limp-wristed bitch was too much of a bitch to lift the TOILET SEAT. And now as I sit on a lake of piss I just want to make this message very clear. If I ever catch you pissing on the toilet seat, I will install the PISS POLICE STATE up to and including confiscating your dick with a knife until you fucking know how to use it. I will chop your dick off if I ever catch you pissing on the seat! Hail the piss police state motherfucker, you better watch the fuck out! [BLEEP!]

M Hi, I’m just calling because I want to know, how come James Brown never had an album called Brown Town? Yeah. [BLEEP!]

M Hi it’s Rockin Rob. Another thing I’d like to share is about the LGBTQ scene here in Montreal. I’m not LGBTQ myself, but I have many LGBTQ friends. One word I cannot stand is TOLERANCE. I’ve heard people say about LGBTQs, “we tolerate them.” I can’t stand that word. No matter how it’s meant it sounds so condescending. How would I feel if someone said to me, “Rob, I tolerate you,” even if they said it in a very kind and benign way? Uggh! It’s just so creepy. I don’t want to be tolerated, I want to be accepted. That’s the word I live by and try to extend to others—I accept people. I love the LGBTQ buddies I have, they are so sweet and artistic and kind. But the word tolerance should be stricken from the vocabulary. And here in Montreal we say we believe in diversity—I don’t even like that word. We’re all ONE. We gotta get beyond those terms, they make it look like some are different from us. We are all us! Thanks a lot, and rock on. [BLEEP!]

F I just read on MTL BLOG some reporter, and that is using the term very loosely, advising Montrealers to AVOID GOING OUT AFTER SUNSET so that they don’t get attacked by COYTOES. As if we are under some kind of zombie attack. Ok listen, one, it is vey rare for coyotes to randomly attack people, so they were most likely being PESTERED or chased. Two, clean up your garbage. And three, if you must bring your child to a park where coyotes are trying to enjoy some evening leisure time, put it on a leash. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

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